Impression Management
Therapeutic Thursday on Friday
I meant to start this new Gripping Life series yesterday, but I wasn’t feeling well so here it is today. I’d like to introduce a new mental health or emotional wellness topic every Thursday. Therapeutic Thursday is what I’m calling it. If I were a little OCD I might have had to wait until next Thursday to start, but as you can see, being able to start on a Friday means I’m healthy. *cough-cough* (Just disregard the fact that this thought even occurred to me.)
When we come to realize that someone we know is fake, it’s usually a bit of a turn-off. Most of us are attracted to what’s real, authentic and genuine. What is it about FAKE people that bothers us so much? Are people born fake? If not, then how does fakery evolve? 
FEAR is the driving force behind most cases of impression management. Somewhere along the line we receive and accept messages that indicate that pieces of ourselves, maybe even the whole of us, is not good enough. Who you receive these messages from, (parents, caretakers, other children, siblings, etc.) how often, and for what length of time, will determine just how much of yourself you’re eager to discard. Very few things are more damaging and hurtful than being criticized and judged for who you are. Our sense of self becomes VERY FRAGILE when we are constantly reminded that WHO WE ARE AT OUR CORE, OUR SPIRIT, is unlovable, not good enough, flawed, defective, bad, etc. Ironically, often the people who provide these harsh judgements and rejections were held to the same standards when they were young. They repeat the messages because they have learned that being PERFECT is the only way to survive. So, in essence, when we see parents pushing their children to extreme limits of perfection, we can assume that behind this push is the fear of getting hurt, of being vulnerable. To them, it’s love. They teach perfection for survival. (Many people develop addictions later in life for these reasons – another post for another day.)
Vulnerability, letting your real sloppy, average, regular, flawed, and human self show for all the world to see = DANGER, HURT, CRITICISM, PAIN. The only way to avoid getting hurt is to protect yourself by eliminating the real (defective) parts of yourself and replacing them with socially acceptable parts or more perfect parts. That way, no one can hurt you. Very often, people who are fake, who conform and who present to the world a perfect or flawless image, are afraid of being real, afraid to get hurt. As time goes on they eventually become so removed from who they really are that they panic and become anxious in situations where being real is necessary. (I’ve noticed that fake people have a hard time with creativity. Why? Because they have to make choices that don’t rely on something that’s been done before. Originality scares the crap out of fake people. You’ll see the look of terror wash over them when they realize that in order to create something they have to go without rules, they can’t copy, there’s no right or wrong and people might see that part that they’ve rejected.)
TWO EXTREMES
People who use extreme impression management have an external locus of control. Their measuring stick is on the outside. They compare themselves to other people to figure out their worth. They are focused on appearance. They compete with other people to feel better about themselves – if they’re superior, then that means they’re momentarily safe. They live by rules. They are followers. They are insecure and unsure of how to respond in different situations because they rely so heavily on external cues for emotional safety.
By contrast, people who have spent their lives feeling good about who they are and loving themselves, have developed an internal locus of control. They never need to rely on external cues because they feel safest being true to who they are. They are independent thinkers and feelers. (This is what we’re attracted to.)
Each of us falls somewhere on this continuum. I’ll go out on a limb here and say that each of us has had insecure moments in our lifetime. You can usually figure out what sort of things trigger our need to present a false front. I don’t think any of us enjoy being fake, right? But we want to be liked and loved. Well, we can be! The trick is to acknowledge and then reject those old messages from our youth, they’re total crap, and replace them with healthy messages. We need to love ourselves, warts and all. In addition, we need to be mindful that when we see people struggling with vulnerability, when we see people needing to be perfect and getting defensive, we probably should cut them some slack and recognize that underneath their off-putting behavior is a frightened child. By loving one another we can help erase those old stupid messages.
Oh my goodness I want to forward this to my sister just because this is soooo good. I love this! I love your writing — it’s so clear. Thank you Lisa!
Oh, you’re most welcome. I’m glad you liked it. If I wasn’t the perpetual student, always needing things to make sense, then I wouldn’t have this understanding. I have to remind myself of this stuff all the time, otherwise I lose it.
“The trick is to acknowledge and then reject those old messages from our youth, they’re total crap, and replace them with healthy messages. We need to love ourselves, warts and all.”
Lordy are you channeling my brain or what? It is a struggle, a terrible struggle.
I am dealing with someone who is being fake and terribly hurtful but I cannot walk away. (work related) I am trying not to take it personally but I am too soft. I am having a hard time separating myself.
This was very timely Lisa. I love your writing and your messages. You are top notch woman.
Thank you (for everything)
Thanks, Audra. Glad it helped a little. Just remember that her fake stuff is HER issue, not yours. Sometimes when fake people see other people being authentic it makes them uneasy and triggers all their stuff. You may be triggering her because of your ability to be real. Rise above… rise above.
I am rising above.. it just hurts ya know.
I know. Brush it off and put it in its proper place, if you can.
brushing it off with my middle finger
hahaha!
(two mental health days today and tomorrow.. I think she knows)
Wow, great post. I related to it all because after a childhood of abuse, I was the fakest person on the planet. It took many years to realize that people are attracted to real, flawed individuals, and it was only when I felt safe enough to be myself that I started being honest about who I am. The sense of safety had to come from within though. Being fake takes up a lot of energy, and now that I show warts and all, its an easier, happier life. Thanks Lisa.
Amen, sister. It took me awhile to figure it it out, too. I was always trying to prove that I was smart – deep inside I felt like such a loser. I even got a Masters degree to compensate for my insecurity. Eventually it occurred to me that all the degrees in the world wouldn’t make me feel better about myself – it had to come from inside. Lesson learned. Now I love saying “I don’t know.” It’s so liberating. Being fake does take up a lot of energy. When I see other people struggling with this issue it makes me sad. I guess it’s just part of the journey.
Thanks, Yaz. Your comments are always so good.
Loved this, Lisa! So true, so helpful.
Thanks! Glad you liked it!!
Ah, I had a whole paragraph written then deleted. I’ll just say “great post”, very thought inducing. Glad to see “Lisa” returning
Thanks Ingrid! After the response I had from the Newtown incident post I thought maybe emotional wellness is a worthwhile topic. I can probably put it in layman’s terms and make it safe for everyone.
I’m thinking your degree was in Psychology. I found this to be a very interesting post. A “faker” is pretty much a liar with an end to manipulation (in my eyes). I believe everyone does it to some extent, including myself. But I was told by a friend who taught yoga, that if you never lie, you won’t have to remember everything you’ve said and your head will open to all sorts of new ideas. I try and keep that in my mind as words to live by.
I’m glad you thought it was interesting but I’m uncomfortable with calling insecure people, manipulative liars. A liar, in my eyes, has a completely different motivation. It’s all about motivation and intention. Liars, usually, are trying to pull a fast one, they know they’re being fake. The group I’m speaking of is working over time to be liked — they truly believe that if they are just a little bit better, then the people around them will approve of them.
None of us are perfect, and hopefully we’re all doing our best to make small improvements each day. Therefore, I would say we are all, in some capacity, living the the mantra, “Fake it till you make it.” (We all want to “make it” and that means something different for each of us.)
It was Mark Twain who said if you never lie, you won’t have to remember anything. Words to live by, indeed.
You know I loved this and why. Now, if I can just LEARN.
Yes, I do. Erase the messages. Type them out and press the delete button.
Now, replace them with the messages that you should have received.
You can do it, Addie. I have faith in you.
I’m glad someone does. (Not a good day, today, I fear)
Sorry, Addie. Fear is so debilitating. Just lay low and rest with some beautiful music on. Know that I’m thinking of you. Just drift. It will all be okay. It will pass….
It did–thanks. Took longer than I’d like, but, pass it did.
Great post, true words. I think we all can relate. Sometimes it’s just way easier to not be who we are but to be a person we’re ‘supposed’ to be, a person it’s safe to be… Unfortunately. But sometimes it’s choosing between being yourself or not being hurt, I guess. Just like you say.
That’s it exactly. It all boils down to motivation. But you’re right, when faced with a choice it sometimes seems easier to just conform or say the expected thing. It’s difficult to make yourself vulnerable – it requires a very strong sense of self. Awareness is a big part of the equation and the ability to take emotional risks.
It’s always important for people to hear this stuff. I’m glad when you do your mental health posts because even if people don’t have the symptoms that you explain, they will be able to easily point them out in other people and understand them better And that’s worth a lot! Thanks Dr. Mom!
haha! Yeah, I think it works both ways. Hopefully we can all relate to this on some level but maybe more importantly we can be patient and loving to those who struggle with insecurities and choose to go the fake route. (I’m not gonna lie, though – it does get on my nerves! haha!)
Echoing everyone above, very well written, Grippy!
The hard part is the deleting all the old messages.
But the reward is definitely worth the effort!
Yes, indeed. I think this little community does a very good job at helping put the self-defeating messages to rest. There are lots of good people to remind us of our value/worth. We need to take it to heart.
What a brilliant post! Lord knows, I have been fake for too long. Allowing myself to be conformed and changed and forced into being someone I’m not, by believing that my authentic self was not good enough. Well, I finally woke up to how horrible that was, and now I’m well on my way to being ME, warts and all. Guess what, I’m happy, and that’s what counts,
I think that we just don’t realize when we’re young how much more lovable we are when we let it all hang out. That’s how we bond. Perfection is like teflon – nothing sticks to it. We can’t have real relationships if we’re being fake. I don’t know what warts you’re talking about. Ha! I just love you for who you are, that sweet spirit of yours always comes shining through!!
Oh you! After my fight with the motorbike, I realised just how short, and how precious life is. To waste it being fake is tragic! One of my big warts is being ‘selfish’, being unbendingly insistenton doing or having certain things. Like going overseas alone because my husband wouldn’t go for oh so many reasons. I may be going on our 30th anniversary Dream Trip to Italy on my own too! I am finally ME and I like it.
Love you too Lisa! I’m not that sweet you know, lol x
Excellent info Lisa! I have to say that there’s (I’m hoping) a distinction between being fake and giving it your best even if you are not feeling it. Sometimes you don’t feel like being polite for whatever reason but you have to fake it. Otherwise you’ll just turn into a big ol’ crab. Sigh . . .
haha! Oh yes, there’s a big difference. I think we all try to give it our best and to be polite (except for Lily, she let’s it all hang out without any regard! haha! I think I went overboard on this lesson for her!) Any-hoo, the fakery I speak of is more the person who puts on airs or needs to buy the status symbol purse to feel okay with themselves and then judges other people who don’t own one. The person who strives for perfection because anything short of that means you’re a lesser person. People who are highly insecure.
Being polite when you don’t feel like it is a-okay! The motivation for that is coming from a good place. The motivation for the other, is coming from an insecure frightened place. That’s the difference.
Oh yes. I know the type. I’ve known so many people like that actually. There are a few in my family (by marriage if you know what I mean and I’m sure you do). So many people come across as superior and look down on everybody else. I’ve noticed they also love being in charge of organizations. It’s so hard to remember that they are acting out of insecurity. They sure don’t come across as being insecure, but of course they are. I always try to avoid them like the plague.
That’s exactly the type! They’re very into appearance because that’s all they have to go by. They’re very external. Yes, good call. They always try and head organizations. I try and avoid them like the plague, too. They pretend to be secure and so on top of things but they’re SOOO insecure. It always appears to me that their relationships are so superficial. What a sad and empty little life they live.
So wonderful, this, Lisa. I can spot the real deal very easily and I’m guessing you can do. I’ve been in those insecure places in my life — I think, as you said, most of us have. We carry with us the baggage of childhood, past relationships and all that “stuff” that guides us here and there. As I’m getting older (and please God wiser), I’m getting more to that place of authenticity — being who I am, trying to own that and letting go of those who don’t like the me I am. It takes courage and patience but I do think we “get there” if we keep trying.
The amazing thing is — is when we finally step into our self — the true essence of who we are — it attracts those like-minded to us. Easier said than done but as always, you’ve captured a sentiment beautifully. Thank you. xxoo
That’s it, it takes patience and courage. It’s a journey that we all take – some have a steeper hill to climb than others. I think as long as we have the awareness we’ll get there, like you said. I feel like you really get it, Brig, and I know I’ve commented on the fact that you allow yourself to be vulnerable, which shows so much strength of character. It’s funny because I imagine if we flash forward 10 or 20 years, we’ll probably look back at this time and see our selves as 1/2 way up the hill even though I think we often feel like we’ve arrived at the peak! haha! Just when I think I have things figured out a tsunami hits and knocks me for a loop! (speaking of tsunamis, I just saw “The Impossible” and I cried like a baby. Definitely worth seeing.)
Anyway… thanks for your thoughtful comment. It’s nice to share this stuff with “like-minded” spirits.
too bad that old stupid messages were ever in existence–a very thoughtful piece–it is easier to be ourselves than to put on a mask–
At the end of the day, and by, “day” I mean when we’re much older and wiser – yes, it’s easier to be real. It’s a shame we can’t figure it out sooner. Sadly, some people have a much harder go of it than others, some are dealt a bad hand.
Grippy:
As always, you write an intriguing and thought provoking post.
I’ve read through a number of replies of people who said that they were ‘fake’ for too long. Now, I don’t know any of them personally but none of them strikes me as ‘fake.’ I can see that we all suffer from insecurity, doubts, hang-ups and trauma but somehow I don’t see fakeness in any of the comments.
I know that I have gone through (many) periods of my life when I have pretended to be someone I wasn’t – a self assured male to attract women; a self-starter to get a promotion or a better job; a bon-vivant at parties to avoid being the wall flower stuck in the corner. I pretended to be someone I wasn’t to achieve a goal. Sometimes it worked; most times it didn’t.
I have on a few occasions met people who I would mark as ‘real fakes.’ (Is that an oxymoron?) They believed with all their soul in their self-centered superiority. Their conscience was clear, so to speak. Every time I hear someone say that their conscience is clear, I say to myself, there goes a ‘real fake.’ They have managed the impression of themselves so well that they now believe in their fake existence.
Very astute, indeed. I agree whole heartedly with you, CaL. I don’t think there’s a fake one in this bunch – if there was one, I think I’d be able to tell. The scenarios you’ve described are normal situations that call for us to very briefly up our game a bit. We can all relate to those situations.
Someone who is fake or is using impression management lives 24/7 in that style. They can’t let their guard down, they’re very rules oriented, usually materialistic, always comparing themselves to others, perfectionistic, and all the while suffering a deep sense of insecurity and inferiority. I don’t think that describes anyone on here. I have a sister who fits this description. It’s very sad.
Those who manage the impression very well and get positive reinforcement for it, definitely do believe that the false persona is actually who they are. Every once in a while the real self is called upon or gets exposed and that’s when you see these individuals get very uncomfortable.
Oh well, I see you met my ex-mister.. I can honestly say he was/is one of the best fakers I have ever met. Now that I am distanced from him, I see a vulnerable, immature man wrapped around a 16 year old boys ego. Quite sad, yet unless someone wants to change, I can not help you.. It all must come from withing..
really a good thought provoking post and I look forward to your “Therapeutic Thursday” posts
Well, I think it’s empowering for you to strip him down and see the vulnerable, immature 16 year old, pathetic man that he is. It is sad. It changes the whole story when you have these pieces to the puzzle. It’s the same story as mine – close enough. We’re light years away from their emotional intellect. They married way out of their league. My mistake was thinking that he would WANT to evolve and that he could grow emotionally. But yeah, it has to come from within — the fact that any adult would, given the choice, choose to stay stuck in a dark ego driven place boggles my mind.
Therapeutic Thursday is as much for me as anyone else.
Thanks, Lynne.
Well said!
Thank you very much!!
EW Warts!??! People with warts should live in a cave until they heal. I used to have warts on my hand and I was given the same treatment. I expect nothing less for other people.
I’ve spent my whole life insecure and hide it with humour, probs because of the whole living in a cave when I had warts thing.
PETE!! I’ve got plenty of warts. My soon to be ex husband is one of them! Lol!
We’re not born insecure so you have to figure that something gets to us along the way and causes us to look at ourselves like we’re not good enough. I think my parents are to blame for any of my insecurities.
Keeping a sense of humor is always a good thing, unless you never can get serious. Those people drive me crazy, too. I know you have a serious side, Pete. I like it as much as your funny side – that’s a supreme compliment.
Well at least you’re going to get that one lanced soon and he’ll be nothing but a disused bit of crusty skin flushed down the toilet.
I don’t know what the cause of mine would be, female rejection maybe? Hard to believe I know! Thank you for the compliment
I try not to let the serious side show that often that way when I am serious you know shizz is about to go down.
haha! Crusty skin down the toilet! Gross!
I like that you keep the serious side in reserve – just in case. Good plan.
It is truly exhausting to be hypervigilant, always watching how other people behave so I know how o behave.
Almost two years of therapy later, I think I’m finding that inner locus. You article has also helped me rediscover some flagging compassion…
Wishing you well in this new year.
Thanks, Sara. I wish I could give you a hug. It is exhausting and so unnecessary when you think about it. The truth that you are a beautiful human being, inside and out, and always have been, is sitting there waiting for you to realize it – although it sounds like you’re getting closer. You’ll conquer it, I promise. Just follow your heart – I know you have a good one.
Lisa
xox
Happy New Year to you, as well!
I really enjoyed this post Lisa, and I look forward to the weekly series.
Thank you!!! I’m writing it as much for me as any one else.
Those are the best posts!
I agree. The ones we write for ourselves turn out to be the best. Thanks.
Absolutely fascinating and resonant – thanks
Thank you! I always forget to tell you that your avatar cracks me up. I think that whole story was one of the funniest things in the past year. I had tears streaming down my face.
I agree it just makes me roar with laughter everytime I think about it. Best wishes!
Lisa, I’ve just read your post again. It’s very good. The only thing I would say is that is that it’s not easy to replace old messages with new messages. It takes a great deal of work and perseverance. Any tips on how to do this?
Malcolm, that’s the million dollar question!! You’re right, it’s extremely difficult. Let me start by saying that having awareness is probably 80% of the battle. If you understood what I wrote and it rang true for you, then that’s a huge piece of the puzzle. You’ve now brought it up to a conscious level and can effectively deal with it, though it will take time.
You can try to erase the negative messages from the past by countering them with something positive, something true and accurate. (You’ll need to catch yourself each time when you’re having a self-defeating internal dialogue.) Some people keep a journal and on one side they write the negative message and on the other side they write the replacement message. It doesn’t take long before you automatically jump to the positive. (This is a cognitive technique.)
You can also partly destroy those messages by examining the imperfect source from which they came. Those messages are usually multi-generational. Sometimes they originate from an unfortunate event – back in the day people didn’t process things accurately, being vulnerable was unheard of, our families were full of shame, and emotionally shut down. They hid from the truth. They used false fronts. They put a lot of stock in appearances. If you looked good, had money, a nice car, went to a good school, etc. then you were worthwhile, loved. Without those externals in place you might feel rejected on some level – a loser. That was the message.
The ultimate weapon against the old messages is SELF-APPROVAL. (Taking emotional risks, etc.) I always thought I was dumb because I have dyslexia. I was defensive and always trying to prove to others that I was smart. I was very sensitive on the topic of intelligence. It didn’t help that my father always told me that I was illogical– he’d cringe or laugh at me when I spoke. Nice.
So I struggled and pushed myself in an effort to achieve what I thought would prove my smarts to him and the world. I went to graduate school and got a Masters degree – the plan was to go all the way for my Ph.D – then I wouldn’t have that negative internal dialogue anymore. That’s what I thought. Over time I realized that my father was a very insecure and fearful man. Why was I trying to prove myself to him or anyone else for that matter? Deep inside I knew I was smart. Who was he, or anyone else to judge me? And why was I spending so much time and energy trying to win the approval of other people?
“High self-esteem and low self-esteem are not the result of how others see us. Rather, they are a result of how we see ourselves.” Richard Bednar
To be happy, all I really needed was to self-approve!!! That’s all any of us needs. So I started doing things that I would feel good about — things that LISA would be proud of. That’s when I felt my self-esteem sky-rocket. Love yourself. Be kind to yourself. Look at yourself through God’s eyes. To Him you are extremely valuable. Self-approval is the answer.
I love the thought Lisa! I think that our loci of control keep alternating between internal and external…and from experience I feel that this change is not in our control until we are aware of its existence. I am glad that your post makes readers aware of this. Great stuff!
Thanks, Raunak! I agree that we have to be aware of its existence before we can shift to a more internal loci of control. To me, awareness is a big part of the puzzle. It often comes with age/time. People who live their lives with an external loci of control eventually become depressed, anxious, physically sick, etc. I don’t believe our spirits can thrive with such a superficial and fearful existence.
Thank you for this excellent wisdom. A little slack goes a long way!
It does, indeed!!
I think that people are afraid to be who they want to be. They want to go along with the crowd or norms.
Also, I believe that control is an illusion, we actually do not control anything. It is like when I used to surf, you just need to get on the wave and see where it takes you. Of course, (like I did many times) you can crash. People are afraid of the crash.
They’re only afraid because each time in the past when they let that part of themselves get exposed, someone hurt them. After a while you trade those pieces of your self for ones that you think will help you to fit in. It’s much safer.
We can control the way we respond to people, our behavior or choices. But in general, I agree, we can’t control life circumstances and consequences.
I’ve always wanted to try surfing. Good metaphor! No one likes to crash.
You’re invited for coffee! Pop over to my blog!
On my way!!!
Hi Lisa, with regard to your ‘follow’ issue: I found that when we press ‘follow’ in the bar above people’s blogs, we only get notified once a month. If we press ‘follow’ in people’s sidebars, then you get notifications every time. Alternatively, if you press ‘W’ on the grey bar above your site, then go to the ‘Reader’, then press ‘Edit list’ in the left hand column, you can change the frequency of notifications. Go check it out.
Ugh! Good to know. I just wish it didn’t have to be so complex.
very interesting!! And it does help tremendously that if you picture someone as a scared little kid, you can let them off the hook a little and at least not RE ACT to them. Very good!!!!
Hey thanks. I always think it’s good to be mindful of the fact that some of the ugliest behavior, when uncovered, is nothing more than a scared little kid. When you think of it like this, it helps to soften our reaction. (let’s just say when I was young I was not so soft! ha!)