What’s Your Communication Style?
T H E R A P E U T I C T H U R S D A Y
There are four basic styles of communication. How do you normally respond when you find yourself in these situations. There’s no wrong or right answers, maybe just better and best answers 
Remember, we all grew up in different families and cultures and learned to communicate based on those early experiences. It’s never too late to tweak your style, though. Like everything else, it requires self-awareness.
Passive Communication
– You’re in line at the grocery store or movie theater and somebody cuts in front of you. The passive person might look the other way, pretending not to notice. If they did notice, they certainly wouldn’t say anything. The passive communicator does not feel important enough to verbalize their needs.
– When this person’s food arrives undercooked, or the order is wrong, nothing gets said to the waiter. The passive communicator will make the best of things and stay silent rather than taking the risk of drawing undue attention to the situation. They might even make up an excuse for the mistake, “Oh well, they’re really busy tonight.” Or, “I think our waiter is just new, probably his first night.” A whole lifetime of putting your needs aside can lead to depression. Just saying…
The mom in “Silver Linings Playbook” (Jackie Weaver)
Aggressive Communication
–If someone cuts in front of this person, Wo be to them! (that’s Biblical for Watch Out!) The aggressive communicator has no problem putting you in your place verbally, and if need be, physically. They have little regard for boundaries. They also feel that taking care of their needs is best accomplished with volume, intimidation, threats, sarcasm, put-downs, manipulation, etc. — whatever it takes to put you back in your place. This person will verbalize their needs at full throttle.
If the person cutting Mr. or Mrs. Aggressive’s hair gets it wrong, they’re gonna know about it. The Aggressive communicator won’t let it slide. They won’t be leaving the salon until everyone knows what a lousy job that person did, and they have free coupons for future services.
The Passive Aggressive Communicator
Somewhere along the line this person learned that verbalizing their feelings and needs makes other people uncomfortable. In fact, they’ve learned that any show of emotion is “bad”. Likely they grew up in a family where expressing needs meant getting ignored. These individuals adapted by learning to go underground with their needs. They find that being BOTH passive AND aggressive is actually quite satisfying. Should you cut in front of them, or slight them in any way, they’ll smile and seem pleasant — but later, maybe, they’ll key your car, or accidentally spill something on you or cause you to be late, etc. They will passively get their needs (I’m important) met by doing something sneaky and quietly aggressive.
Kristin Wiig in “Knocked Up”
The Assertive Communicator (The best option)
This person has healthy self-esteem and has no issue taking care of their needs verbally. If someone is making too much noise at the movie theater they will turn to them and say, “Excuse me but I need you to stop talking, I can’t enjoy the film.” They will ask the waiter very politely if there is any way to get their steak cooked a little more. They will suggest to the hairstylist, “Gee, I don’t love it to be honest – would it be possible to come back tomorrow so you could try to fix it?” “Next time I’ll try to find a picture to show you.” If someone cuts in front of them they might say, “Excuse me, I was actually ahead of you.”
The healthiest communication occurs when we use “I feel” statements and “I need” statements, back to back. When you have healthy self-esteem it’s less likely that you’ll take things personally.
I used to be the passive-agressive communicator, but I’m much better at getting my feelings acknowledged now. Although I may resort back to that infrequently, for the most part, I’m an assertive communicator. Not because that’s the “best” one but it’s what I’ve learned, over a long period of time, is the best way for me to get my needs met and do so with grace. Took me awhile, but it’s best for everyone concerned.
Here’s the thing, though, Lisa. Although I do practice the “Assertive Communicator,” there are those who just aren’t receptive. They become defensive or hurt or turn things around by making my request more about them…know what I mean? They take it personally sometimes, no matter if I’m calm and direct. That causes me to doubt myself and round and round it goes. The difficult part is saying to that person, “I’m sorry you took it take way. That wasn’t my intention. I meant…” Then if they decide to stay angry or defensive, I have to let it go — hard to do, especially if you’re dealing with loved ones who always see you in your assigned role.
Great therapy, Lisa. Love these!
I know exactly what you’re talking about. People will twist and turn things to suit their needs or attempt to keep you in your assigned role. Yes. The thing is, as long as you’re addressing your needs in a constructive way and taking care of yourself – your job is done. Just because we communicate effectively does not mean the other person is necessarily going to respond in a healthy way. It’s disappointing when they don’t. As long as we’re doing our part we can let it go. It’s not about us any longer, at that point, it’s about their issue, their inability to understand things without it get personal.
I think we do become more assertive as we get older. I feel like there’s a direct correlation between finally feeling worthwhile and learning to take care of our needs. When you finally master this stuff it’s so simple and makes life so much easier. You wonder how you ever got along any other way.
I love working with the elderly because they communicate without any censors, for the most part! LOL! It’s so refreshing.
I know, the elderly and children — no censors at all and I love it. When I’m 80, I’m getting a tattoo and dressing like a hippie. And I’ll tell people EXACTLY how I feel. No apologies, no explanations, no regrets. Know what I mean?!
haha! I’m starting to already go that way! It’s scary. The other day at Zumba I told some high school girls to find another spot because they were crowding me! LOL! I think I frightened them.
For the record, I’ve never keyed anyone’s car.
Phew! I was hoping that didn’t describe you.
I’m a The Assertive Communicator , but don’t walk in front of me if i’m waiting to pay for something
Why? What happens then? Do you get aggressive?
No
i just tell others are waiting and to go to the back of the line, loud enough for others to hear so it usually works.
That’s excellent. I was afraid you were gonna say you deck ‘em! haha!
Very good information here. I was hoping the last one would be the proper way to do it. Doesn’t it really all come down to honesty and explaining yourself?
I hope next Thursday you can let us in on the secret to achieve this thing called high self-esteem. Maybe Lily can do a guest post?
The last one is the proper way. Use your “I feel” and “I need” statements. Very simplistic but actually that’s all it takes.
Hahah! Lily got an extra dose of Self-Esteem and I don’t know how. She’s always telling me not to care. haha!
heheh what can I say?
I would say I’m most often the last one but I have sparks of all the others. Except maybe passive-aggressiveness. I’m more passive with people of authority. Like, if I was being mistreated by a teacher I would ignore it instead of say something. Whereas if it’s someone my age I would more likely say how I’m feeling.
I recently learned that if people keep bothering me I have no problem getting aggressive and yelling and getting in someone’s face.
But usually I would say I’m either assertive or passive.
I’d say you’re assertive until someone crosses your boundaries in a way that you find offensive – then everyone back away slowly… haha! You’re a good communicator. No worries.
I was very passive, however, as I’ve grown older, I’m becoming more and more assertive. I figure, eff it. I was here first and by jingo, you aren’t going to take my spot, so, I’m polite yet firm when I point out that, yes, I was here first and no, you can’t cut in front of me. So, there, you whippersnapper!
Yeah, I find as I get older I’m more willing to just speak my mind. I’m usually nice about it but I can be stern/ firm — I think that people know I mean business. haha! It’s all in the eyes! ha!
Ha! My kids call it “Mom’s Icy Glare of Death”. I’m sorta proud of that.
It makes getting older a little fun. Icy glare of death… that sounds about right.
Great information…. do you think people can accurately identify themselves? I am pretty much passive, and yes… my parents were both passive too (maybe even more so than me) Working toward assertive (at age 62.5)
I think we’re very likely to model our communication style after our parents. If yours were passive, then that makes sense. The problem with older generations is that they actually believed and passed on the idea that taking care of your needs was somehow “selfish” or “arrogant” or “rude,” etc. Thankfully we know today that sitting on your feelings can actually lead to health problems. Look how long it’s taken for us to arrive at this understanding, though. I think each generation gets healthier, I really do. That means my kids will have a fighting chance! haha!
Absolutely… I still think I am selfish if I stand up for my needs… not sure I will ever get over this. My children, however, have gotten over this! There is hope!
Another helpful post, Lisa. I’m sure I’m the Assertive Communicator. Ha ha…at least I try. I would tend to be more passive than aggressive, but I think I’ve worked to overcome that in recent years. But, I’m sure there’s still room for improvement.
Hey, we’re all just a work in progress. At least we have the required self-awareness to know when we’re acting badly.
Great post I think I am assertive in a passive way. I can say what I need to but not in a way that is overbearing or in-your-face. Although there I times I just will let something go as it is not worth going there. Have a great evening!
I think what you describe is assertive, Tina. As long as your communicating your needs in a constructive way that feels like self-care, even if it’s softer and kinder, I’d say you’re assertive. I think people sometimes get the wrong idea about what it means to be passive. It’s easy to think it’s quiet and mousy when in reality, it’s just ignoring your own needs.
I agree with you. Sometimes you have to choose your battles. It’s not always worth the energy to ‘go there.’
Sometimes I get into passive aggressive funks when certain people really make me mad. It is unpleasant not only for the people around me but for me as well because I can literally feel my blood pressure rise when I finally reach my breaking point. It is a true Jekyll/Hyde situation. I’ve found, though, that since I’ve become a parent, it is a lot easier for me to just confront issues with people before I have the chance to stew over them and eventually explode. With a little one around, I simply don’t have the time or attention span to divert it towards fuming when others slight me. Reason #2367 why Mommy Emily is a better Emily.
That’s so true. After you have a child it’s like all the miscellaneous slights get sorted and put in the proper perspective. Time, energy, eh… You’ve got bigger fish to fry. You’ve made, and are raising, a human being, for goodness sake!
I think once we become moms we get laser focused on what is and isn’t important. We also get very direct and firm. I don’t think we have the patience for high levels of BS anymore.
Mommy Emily rocks!!!
Mark me down as selectively assertive and a pragmatic passive. Or, part British and part Canadian
Haha! Perfect! I think that could be yet a fifth style of communication.
I want to see Brigitte when she is 80 with a tattoo and her hippie dress– all with no censor. Way to tell those HS to get out of your way Grippy
I am passive… but I would guess you already knew that
You’re passive but what’s underneath is awesome. I feel assertive Audra surfaces more and more. One of these days she’s gonna stick around.
You’re really doing a great job with these, Grippy!
At some point, you should print them as books and give them out to students starting at kindergarten and every year up to PhD.
For me, the type of communication I use is often situation dependent. By nature, I’m passive, but my dander can, in fact, be gotten up.
Thanks, Guapo! I’m trying to at least stir the pot a little.
I think you’re assertive, no? You seem too healthy to be passive. Do you let people cut in line in front of you? It’s funny but I can only see you as assertive. Dander? You? Haha! No way!!
passive aggressive is the worst–you do not see these people coming
Agree. Sneaky anger can be vicious and they can wait it out. Something can happen on Monday and they’ll retaliate on Saturday. They’re bad news. Sometimes passive aggressive people don’t even connect the dots, they don’t see their own behavior. It’s a very twisted way to relieve yourself of anger.
it is and sometimes you become the brunt of someone’s anger and you do not know why
I’ve been the brunt too many times. Sometimes you trigger someone but there’s no rhyme or reason, at least you don’t see it on the surface. I have a sister who takes her anger out on me when it should really be directed at my dad. I’m just usually convenient and safe. Maybe it would be interesting to do a post on the topic of anger next Thursday? We could probably all sink our teeth into that! haha!
While reading this I thought of people I know and their styles of communicating. It intrigues me. I always wonder why they are the way they are and how they grew up.
From young adulthood until mid-thirties I was too aggressive — I’d like to think of myself as an assertive communicator now. And frankly sometimes I think it’s okay to say nothing if it isn’t going to be a productive outcome. I don’t have a problem when I let things slide since I do know how to be assertive.
My hairdresser messed my hair up a few months ago and I let it slide though I cried a few times afterward at home — ahahaha! — but assessing the whole situation, decided against saying anything. Years ago a hairdresser messed my hair up and I cursed him out and stormed out without paying.
I think I had become aggressive after having been messed with as a kid and being docile at one phase in my adolescence right after my illness — but I went too far over. Now I’m just right I think.
I completely agree with your comment. Once you know how to be assertive then sometimes you let things slide. You pick and choose based on how you’re feeling at the time.
I’m like you, I slowly became less aggressive as time went on. (My dad was aggressive my whole life so as a kid I had to fight fire with fire.) For you, it was timing – you did what most adolescence would do, especially after the illness, etc. You protected yourself in the most effective way possible.
As we get older I think we learn how to temper ourselves, we look around and see what’s needed and what’s not. That much anger and bravado is a waste of energy and is never constructive.
It’s so much more powerful to KNOW you can take care of yourself by expending very little energy being assertive. If you have to pull the big guns out in an emergency, you can! hahah!
Wow — you just shed light on something else — I mean I probably realized it but not immediately — my dad was aggressive too, which is more than likely another reason I eventually developed this tactic.
That makes a lot of sense. I feel like if both my parents had been calm and cool I probably never would have been aggressive. We live what we learn. Thankfully we live in a time that encourages us to examine this stuff so we can make changes. We’re much better off than our parents.
Hey, I’m doing ok! I’ll speak up for myself, without being aggressive or passive. Good for me lol!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
Yeah, good for you!! It’s amazing how many people enter into adulthood and still don’t know how to speak up in an assertive way.
Fascinating – I use flags to be passive aggressive. The old semaphore trick stumps them everytime!
I had to look up and see what a semaphore was! Hahahaha!
Seems like a very good way to stay removed and safe from the fray.
I’ll raise me flag to that!
I have found the best of all is the questioning assertive. ‘Do you know that this is a queue?’ or ‘Is there a good reason for you to have jumped this queue?’ or ‘Do you know that your talking is disturbing others?’
Isn’t that even better than the ‘all about me’ approach?
Your comment is interesting. Using a question to be assertive seems effective, however, being assertive in a straight forward manner is equally, if not more effective — it could not in any way be considered an “all about me” approach.
I think that older generations have perpetuated the belief that taking care of your needs in an assertive way is somehow a selfish thing. (There’s nothing ‘all about me’ in asking someone to stop talking when they are disturbing you.) You might be surprised how many people will sit back and do nothing, never speaking up for themselves, because they’re afraid that others might think badly of them. Being passive is not healthy or attractive – it’s an old ineffective message. It feels like something left over from the Victorian era.
It is the sign of a healthy person who can politely and effectively address their needs without fear of what others might think.
It was the ‘I feel’ or ‘I need’ recommendation which I thought to be too much ‘all about me’. Nothing wrong with the direct, ‘Would you please not …’ but in that it is difficult to avoid an aggressive and challenging tone of voice.
I agree that there far is too much passivity, and this simply encourages boorish or thoughtless behaviour. Delicate manners – or cowardice?
To avoid an aggressive or challenging voice I recommend the “I feel” statements. The reason they work is because no one can argue about what you’re feeling. There’s no right or wrong so it’s actually very disarming and non-threatening.
Examples… “I feel uncomfortable. I need you to turn the volume down.” “I feel hurt by your remark, I need you to not speak to me in that way.”
I could come up with lots of examples but I think when you add the “I feel” it changes the whole dynamic. It may sound elementary but I’ve been able to help many families/ couples work through communication issues by implementing this one simple rule. If somebody tells me how they’re feeling I’m more apt to listen and accommodate them.
Great comment. Thanks.
I see what you mean about making it unarguable, unless the other person is set on direct confrontation and says he/she doesn’t care what you feel.
Very true. We can be healthy in our own style of communication but we can’t guarantee that we’ll get a healthy response.
Wow.. I’m a little bit of three of them (not aggressive so scratch that one)..I used to be very meek, non-assertive at all. Actually was that way until a few years ago. I hope I have found the good balance. Very interesting post Miss Lisa ..sorry for commenting on Therapeutic Thursday on Friday morning
It’s hard for me to imagine you being anything other than assertive, Lynne. I think Sandee made a good point, in that once you master the art of assertive communication, you have the ability/ choice to let some things slide. Making that choice, to let some things go, knowing that you COULD be assertive, is not passive. I think it falls under the heading of self-care, knowing how and when you want to distribute your energy.
It doesn’t surprise me that most of us didn’t become effective communicators until we got older. The pendulum swings back and forth until we find a style that feels healthy and matches our improved sense of self.
Pingback: Friday Foolishness – Runners Edition | Guapola
I try being assertive – it will depend on the situation. If someone cuts in line in front of me and I’m not in a huge hurry and they seem like they may be trouble or just oblivious – I might not care. I’m more likely to stand up to someone on behalf of someone else – which is probably just a variation on weirdness
Like Brigitte, I have never keyed anyone’s car!
That’s interesting, really. I guess that you have it in you to be assertive but are less likely to use it on your own behalf? I’ll use it in both situations but it usually backfires if I do it for someone else – inevitably they’ll look at me like I’m a butt-in-sky or a control freak. Which I probably am. If someone cuts in front of me, unless they’re bleeding out of their eyeballs, I’ll usually direct them to the back of the line. haha!
I honestly haven’t had people cut in line in front of me… if we’re at the DMV or anyplace where you need to take a number and wait (seated) and someone just stands in line, I’ll gently say “I think you need to take a number” – but sometimes it backfires b/c they might have been told by the employee to just get back in line.. since I don’t know the whole situation, I might be hesitant to say too much…but like I said – I’ve not had anyone just rudely cut in line.
On closer examination, I guess it’s usually teenagers at some sort of event, a concert or something… Wait, no! Disney World! I’ve had adults cut in front of me! I knew I was forgetting something. I guess I wouldn’t be so annoyed but when I’m in line for an hour and a half – you’d better be prepared for battle. (And that’s the happiest place on earth, imagine me in the bowels of New York! haha!)
Now that is a different story entirely!
I was particularly struck by your comment about the communication style of the elderly, they can be so direct but it’s wrapped up in a sense of decorum… I can’t quite peg it, but I like it.
Me, too! I used to work with the elderly and let me tell you, it was a pleasure to sit and talk with each of them every day. I looked forward to it. Witty, wise, genuine — they’ve really got it going on.
I know what you mean about their directness wrapped up in decorum – they’re lovely.
I’m definitely the passive one. I know I should do something about it. But brrr, they could EAT me, you know.
Or LOOK at me. Omygod.
You’re beautiful, Astrid. One day when you’re older, everything will come together, confidence, self esteem, etc. and you’ll realize that being assertive compliments all of your other characteristics. It’s like having good posture. Yes, it’s so important.
I go for assertive, then, if that doesn’t work, it’s straight to insult comedy!
haha! I’ve been guilty of that, as well.
great post Lisa! I’m a passive communicator
striving to become more assertive. Have failed miserably though.
I often wonder why I do not react.Haven’t zeroed in on an answer yet. One of the several reasons could be that I just do not bother about things…or just blame destiny for all that happens.
haha! I’m going to start blaming destiny! Raunak, I feel that you’re someone who has very little ego and so you’re able to let things go more easily. Basically, what I’m saying is, your motivation for being passive is highly evolved, whereas I think the average passive communicator is coming from a more fearful less healthy place.
I certainly think we get more assertive as we get older. I think it’s because we’ve been there done that for what feels like hundreds of times, and we’re just not going to take rudeness anymore!
I find myself asking people to please change their tone of voice or their attitude with me if they’re being rude and they do right away. (There is definitely some built in respect that comes with age.) It works like magic and everybody leaves happy (well, they may be plotting to kill me later HA!).
When I was younger I was much more passive aggressive. I remember one time in line at the grocery store and I was reading a magazine and a man blatantly cut in front of me. So I pushed my cart into the back of him but just as I pushed it I turned and pretended I was reading a magazine and so I looked innocent! HA! I could just feel him swearing at me but he didn’t say anything!! I have to laugh whenever I think about it. It was so much fun!!! LOL!!
Another fantastic, engaging post as usual, Lisa!!
I’ve gotta say, it’s the one good thing that comes with age. They know we mean business, especially when we give them ‘the look’ – you know the one. haha!
LOLOL!!! I can just see you, Linda, casually reading the magazine after a good cart shove. haha! I’ve literally done this same thing. I’d like to say it was when I was younger, but maybe it was just last week… I don’t remember? haha!
Thanks!! You always have the best comments!!
LOL! Lisa. I gotta say it was one of my best moments and I was by myself so I had no one to share it with!
And oh I know what you mean about “the look”. One time a teacher at my daughter’s high school started a rumor about her and told every class throughout the day. When I found out about it, I went to the school and told that teacher and a thing or two, I didn’t even raise my voice but I ended our discussion with “the look” and that teacher argued but when I gave her “the look” she went out to the car where my daughter was waiting and squatted down and apologized to her. LOL! Another triumphant moment utilizing “the look”. HA!
I admit that I’m a Passive Communicator when it comes to face-to-face interactions.
Thanks for the information and suggestions on how to improve my style.