E M P A T H Y
There are some things in life that we take for granted. One of those things happens to be human emotion or feelings. We just assume that everyone has the ability to feel the full spectrum of emotion. That assumption leads us to believe that most people can empathize — empathy, being the ability to share in another person’s emotions; the capability to feel happy because someone else is happy, or to feel sad, because someone else is sad, and so on. Empathy is closely linked to love and compassion. Guilt and remorse, as you would expect, also come from the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes when they’re hurt. When there’s no empathy, there’s no remorse.
I’ve had the misfortune of having four of these individuals take center stage in my life story. I understand who they are on both a professional and very personal level. Professionally speaking, and I’ll keep this short, there are certain mental disorders associated with this one trait; Anti-social Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (do not feel the pain they inflict on others, nor do they give credence to others perceptions), Psychopaths (can detect emotions in others and mimic caring, they’re usually superficially charming and charismatic), Schizoid Personality Disorder (emotional coldness, detachment, impaired affect, inability to empathize or be to be sensitive toward others), Conduct Disorder (atypical empathic responses when viewing other’s pain), Borderline Personality Disorder (could have diminished empathy), etc. 
Someone who is incapable of AFFECTIVE EMPATHY (feeling) is likely capable of COGNITIVE EMPATHY (thinking). Cognitive empathy is the drive to recognize, identify and imitate emotion. These people know they need to blend in — otherwise they risk being exposed for the unfeeling and detached individuals they are.
An individual who employs cognitive empathy has studied and learned what real emotions look and sound like. Very often these individuals are drawn to trusting, vulnerable, good and deeply empathic people. It’s possible that these relationships serve them in three ways. 1. Empathic people will feel feelings for them, they’ll give balance and unknowingly provide a good cover. 2. Empathic people are loving and compassionate – when this individual behaves badly, they know they’ll be forgiven. 3. This individual will feel safe as long as the other person doesn’t connect the dots – when that happens, Spock will get spooked and take his leave, rather than try to change what he knows he can’t. Someone lacking empathy is unplugged or disconnected from their feelings – sometimes worse, the cord has been permanently severed. Obviously, these individuals are only capable of a one way relationship, their way, or no way. Their relationships are usually fleeting, mechanical, lack depth and are built on a foundation of lies.
On the flip side, just because a person HAS empathy does not mean they possess compassion or sympathy, in fact, you can have empathy and be a hard, cold person.
How are psychopaths, narcissists, etc. created? This trait, lack of empathy, is not always so black and white. There are variations. Some may be born with a genetic predisposition for this trait– a chemical imbalance (pathology), some experience early trauma and end up disconnecting from their feelings in an effort to block and protect themselves from future traumas, (early traumas can also cause our brains to become negatively rewired) and some have behaviors modeled for them – they grow up fearful in emotionally unsafe environments that provide no moral compass, warmth or unconditional love. These individuals survive rather than live full and meaningful lives. Some do quite well, are successful, are very funny and have lots of admirers. The one thing they don’t have is a soulful connection to another human being and they never will. 
The characters of “Seinfeld” – a high functioning group of individuals that lack empathy?
Lisa, not just because you are skilled and practiced in this, your knowledge on the subject is evident from personal experience as well. Maybe that’s why you chose the life path you did? Intelligent and compassionate people seek to understand so I can see why you do what you do and are who you are. I’ve met people that have no empathy but are very good at displaying it when the situations calls for it. Then when the situation doesn’t, they show their true face — usually to someone who they are in an intimate relationship with. The “sane” (for lack of a better word and I’m sure you have a better one) partner often feels as if she/he is the crazy one because these types of individuals are also master manipulators.
And Seinfeld was created around those kinds of personalities but I did watch it and I did love it. Although I was disappointed in the ending — kept waiting for some kind of redemption that just didn’t happen.
Great post as always. I was always drawn to sociology and psychology in school. Your weekly posts are like having my own personal class without the high fees! Thank you! xxoo
Hey girlfriend,
Thanks for such a kind comment! Yeah, when I looked up possible characters who lack empathy in film, books, TV – Seinfeld came up every time. On close inspection you can see that they are very high functioning but ultimately, selfish, neurotic and probably each with diminished empathy. I don’t think people are very aware that these individuals, though on paper sound scary, are out in the world doing their thing. You’re so right about them being manipulative. And they do make you feel like you’re the crazy one – they sit back and almost get a release when you get upset.
I chose this field to make order out of my family of origins chaos but also because I actually feel everyone’s feelings. One time I was standing next to someone and I felt a lifetime worth of pain coming from them and it made me cry. No words were spoken. He looked at me and knew that I felt his pain and then he started to cry. It was the most incredible thing. So yeah, I think I have an acute sensitivity to what other people are experiencing -sometimes to my own detriment. In addition, I’m forever hopeful, my motto is anything is possible with God’s help. Anything. I think I sometimes infuse people with positive energy, even when I shouldn’t and then I get depleted. It’s a balancing act. I do know, though, that we all need hope in our lives. It’s a good thing to give to one another. There’s definitely no shortage of this gift in this community.
Thanks, my beautiful friend!
xoxoxx
I so know what you mean. I’ve been to parties and had to leave because I sensed some energy that was just bad mojo, if that makes sense. When you’re that kind of “sponge,” you have to do what you can and then accept what you can’t change and walk away. I used to be a magnet for the messed-up until I determined that I had my own things to work out and my self-worth was the most important. Taking care of one’s self isn’t selfish — it’s paramount. When you do that, your influence spreads wide and all kinds of wonderful things start to trickle in. It’s a domino effect. It’s a little miracle really and yes, it has much to do with listening and tuning into that God presence that’s always there, always has been.
We are so deep, girlfriend.
Are you a fan of Dexter? I love that show!
Absolutely. Lily made me watch a marathon, like a two day, back to back, Dexter-a-thon. I love him. Tee hee.
Another great post. Like Brigitte, I feel as if I’m attending my own private psych classes–you actually help me move along in the slipstream of my own BPD. Thanks for that.
((hugs))
Addie
Thanks, Addie! I know more than I’d like to know about this topic.
Hopefully these posts will make people feel better about mental health.
Hugs!
Lisa
And, it makes my ickle heart hurt that you do know far too much about this topic.
~~Adds
It seems like I’m the only person who thinks the people on Seinfeld are bigger jerks in real life than they were on the show. Maybe I’ve just met too many New Yorkers…
I think a lot of people who have trouble with empathy also have trouble feeling bad for themselves or they go in the complete opposite direction and always feel bad for themselves. We’re so bombarded these days with particular groups of people to feel bad for sometimes it can confuse us. There are so many underdogs these days it feels impossible to support them all. That said, people who make themselves into a victim all the time are usually not very empathetic people either. This almost seems like an epidemic where we all want to be the lowest of the low. I know everybody in my family does this and I really try not to anymore because I realize it. We’ll sit around saying something like “this is wrong with my life” while another won’t feel bad but would rather say “so? this is wrong with MY life” Maybe that’s something completely different. This is why I’m not a therapist/psychologist.
Yeah, victims are one of my least favorite types. I don’t have time for their drama. haha!
People who lack empathy don’t feel their own feelings and certainly not other people’s feelings. It’s a major handicap in the ‘being human’ department. It’s like they live a 1/2 life, never experiencing the rewards of personal relationships. I have mixed feelings about them. On the one hand they make me sad and on the other hand they scare me. I probably feel things too deeply so it’s hard for me to wrap my head around this condition. You can’t appeal to them or change them on any meaningful emotional level. Even dogs have empathy… you know what I mean?
We are your students…great post…but sometimes I get the feeling I’m watching a duck…things are calm and in control on the surface…but beneath the water things are churning like a locomotive running off the tracks…much love and many blessings to you from Susie, the Gang of 5, & moi…be encouraged!
Hey, I’m a student too! I’m forever trying to get to the truth of the matter. Sometimes the truth is incredibly scary, as in the case of these people without empathy. I’ve had more than my fair share of dealing with them and getting hurt in the process. I think it’s good to shine a light on these individuals, because they can inflict a lot of pain while experiencing zero remorse. I hope people read this and take caution. It doesn’t mean you can’t love them, it just means that you should know it’s always going to be a one way street.
Much love to you guys! xoxox
Great post mom. You have a gift at explaining what seems like a hard topic in a very simple, easy to understand way. Dexter is also a good example for the whole early trauma that was introduced in his life and he probably became a psychopath from trying to suppress that. He probably wasn’t born with it, right?
Sometimes I have trouble with this and trouble consoling and comforting people. Maybe I’m Dexter?
Aww… thanks my Lil. It’s because I’m an eternal student and I always need things explained at their simplest level. Yeah, Dexter is the perfect example of early trauma rewiring someone’s brain. I don’t think he was born with it. I think it’s cool how his father recognized it in him early on and gave him a way to do something “positive” with it – if you can call slicing and dicing bad guys positive? haha!
You’re empathic, you’re just mean. hahahahah!
lolll
I’ve had conversations with friends about people we know who may be narcissistic or even psychopathic. We’re always accusing people of being narcissists and psychotic — hahaha! But maybe you’ve heard recently in the media, claims that people at the top of the corporate ladder or in politics have psychopathic traits.
I wondered if it’s possible to learn genuinely how to be empathic after years of having Schizoid Personality Disorder or Conduct Disorder. Perhaps in some cases conditions were temporary due to trauma?
I think they’re out there in numbers. There’s probably degrees of it, but yeah, it’s definitely freaky. We should all be cautious and know what we’re dealing with when we get into a relationship with someone who is emotionally challenged. I’ve spent close to the last 30 years believing I could get blood from a stone – I gave it all I had. I’m nothing if not hopeful. Lots of prayers and heartache, and still nothing. I think the best they can hope for is to cognitively learn what emotions look like and the proper context for them, but the idea that all of a sudden the faucet will turn on….? I’d have to say only God can make that happen, cause I sure couldn’t.
I feel for people who can’t feel for people.
Or, like the character in one of Gilbert’s Bab Ballads, spends so much time sobbing and weeping in empathy that he does nothing to help.
Either extreme is unfortunate. I think it would be worse to never feel, to not have a soulful exchange with another human being… The idea that some people just pretend to feel, is a little frightening. I’ve had too much experience in my own life with this type, starting with my father. Now that I’m 50, and understand it better, I can accept it and move on. It is what it is.
One must also pity those non-feelers. They know they have something missing, which is why they try to fake it. They miss a lot. Unfortunately, they also cause a lot of pain.
Interesting and informative post. I’ve had a notion several people I’ve known had narcissistic personality disorder. Also had an impression when I spent a few years substitute teaching that there are far more children now who lack empathy than when I grew up. I’d be curious to know if that’s true or just had to do with the bad treatment of subs…
I totally agree with you. I think our society is turning them out in record numbers – at least people with greatly diminished empathy. I wonder if it’s because the home environment is so lacking in emotional lessons and moral teaching?
I know several narcissistic people, too. It’s such an unattractive personality, such a one way street, so tiresome…
Great post! I’ve come across a few of these emotionless-folks in my life. I, for one, am probably too empathetic, too emotional, so I’m always baffled by their lack of care towards others.
I’m like you, way too empathic. Unfortunately I’ve ended up sacrificing 30 years of my life to one such individual…ahem. I never could wrap my head around the idea that someone could just be completely incapable of receiving and giving love. I just kept trying to thaw that heart out and would have kept trying. I see his potential, way down deep – too bad he doesn’t see it himself. Scary, but I’m slowly learning to accept it. At least I know the next person he’s with will get a mock love. Nothing to lose sleep over.
cannot comment too much as this is way too close to the bone today–but excellent post
I know what you mean. This basically is my bone – if you catch my drift. This describes the men in my life. I’ll leave it at that. Thanks for reading it.
Try to have a beautiful blissful day. I’ll be thinking of you.
Excellent, as always. Just read a book on Columbine and they have diagnosed, Eric Harris, one of the two killers, as being a psychopath. Although in and out of trouble for years, his charm kept him from being spotted as someone to worry about. Again, thanks for the education. HF
Thanks, HF. My computer died yesterday during the making of that post so it was a little rushed. That’s very interesting about Eric Harris and doesn’t surprise me. What’s curious is that not all psychopaths are criminally minded or end up as conduct disorders, etc. It seems if they are motivated by something negative, (was he teased or ostracized?) the lack of a moral compass or conscience enables them to act ruthlessly without a care in the world. If Eric had a “regular” family and a normal social life, he could have still been a psychopath, but probably wouldn’t have acted out this way. Lots of variations…
No, he wasn’t teased or ostracized. In fact, he was a bully, not bullied. He also seemed to be an instigator in getting others in trouble. But he was charming. The girls liked him. Nothing in his family life would have led him this way. He was just born this way. At least that was the conclusion of the author. Scary. HF
Wow! Then he’s one of the really scary ones. No rhyme or reason other then a genetic defect. He’s the guy you never see coming. Chilling.
Empathy! You seem so knowledgeable on the subject.
With the vast growing social media, working from home concept and numerous online activities, it may be possible to drastically reduce direct physical contact. A few people like to live detatched lives. The ill effects of such dis-orders that you mentioned may be reduced.
Empathy is really of great significance and can add a lot to the beauty and balance of life.
Your post is very well written.
Good job!
It’s hard to fit it into a post but at least it gives people the gist. I started these therapeutic Thursday’s hoping to stimulate conversation and take the stigma of mental illness away. If we can understand something then I feel like we can reduce our discomfort when dealing with it.
I think you make a really good point. Our society is changing in these respects. Who knows what the long term effect will be of all this isolation?
Empathy is one of the qualities that makes life worth living, it connects us to each other in profound ways. I so agree with you.
Thanks for your great comment!
Lisa
You are always welcome! Empathy makes life worth living. I appreciate your proficiency and the broad view you have on this subject matter.
Great thumbnail, Grippy!
Non-empathics also have empathics at a disadvantage, because no one really expects that…
Exactly! Even when we’re aware that it’s out there we still never expect it.
It’s not like me to give up on people so this particular issue frustrates me. It’s hard for me to accept that these people can’t change.
I used to know someone at college who not only lacked empathy for others but seemed somehow to be detached from the world. I remember a non-drill fire alarm ringing and while everyone was rushing to leave the building he was nonchantly going about his business as if nothing was happening. It was as if he was an observer rather than an actor in the world. This is not my field so I have no idea how you would diagnose someone like this.
It’s funny that you mention that example. I was just reading something that included that description- they have no sense of panic in a public disaster situation. They have the ability to stay calm, cool, and collected. I can see how this would have made an impression on you. It’s sort of freaky. I would have noticed the same thing. Imagine what life must be like to live with that kind of detachment… I guess the point is, we can’t. It’s almost beyond our comprehension.
You have a fine talent for human behaviour
and I have enjoyed reading this posting
Have a very nice rest of evening…
Thank you! I have been up close and personal with this particular individual almost my whole life. I know a thing or two about what makes them tick. Interestingly, it’s my ability to see through them that scares the heck out of them.
I too have seen these traits, I guess they
blend in rather well in such a hectic world…
Have a very good weekend
and call by whenever you like
A very fine summary of Axis II. This should have been presented to the APA when they sought to revamp the new DSM! This makes so much sense.
Hey, I try. Thank you. It’s as much for me as anyone else. I’m trying to get simple mental health discussions going to help take away some of the stigma. Maybe a little awareness will make the world a healthier place?
Have a beautiful day!!!
Lisa
Thanks – what a great mission!
~~ssm
Great post, Lisa, and I recognized a couple of people who have fooled me as I read this. The one thing I didn’t understand was how a person with empathy can at the same time be cold and hard, unless it means they can know your pain, but simply not care? Thanks for a good, educational read once again.
That’s absolutely right. There are plenty of people capable of feeling, and have the ability to share in someone else’s emotions, but they have no compassion, they’re hard. It’s like their heart is in a deep freeze– where as the others I speak of are permanently disconnected. ( either born that way, or have experienced brutal emotional trauma, enough to cause irrepairable damage and rewire their system.)
As a therapist who feels change is always possible, this individual ends up breaking my heart. I’ve had very personal experience with this disorder. It’s very sad. ( lucky for them they don’t experience any of the sadness!)
I can honestly say I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who had no empathy for others or their actions. Now I’ve met selfish, mean, not-nice people, but cold hearted as in no emotion.. no.. I don’t want to either..
Welcome to my world. The fact that they can, observe, study, and “pretend” to have emotion makes it especially insidious. If you add the charm factor in, they’re incredible liars and highly manipulative – no remorse. Even after getting painfully hurt, I still feel sad for them- go figure. I just can’t imagine living that kind of superficial life.
On a totally different topic, I have a movie recommend for you. If you haven’t seen it, I’ll send it to you. I thought about you the whole time I was watching it. It’s called “Searching for Sugar Man.” I think you’ll love it. Let me know.
Hiya.. please do send it to me.. I’m off work today and plan on staying home, relaxing and a movie sounds like the perfect way to while away some time
Oh boy! My head is spinning trying to figure out who in my life fits where. Of course, I don’t fit in any of them LOL! One person I grew up with was a narcissist/victim–which is weird because this person had everything handed to her on a silver platter but she always managed to make herself into a victim no matter how much support and love she always had. I’m beginning to think that some narcissists are just born that way. And I feel sorry for them because it’s like they’re color-blind when it comes to emotions and they just can’t feel anything unless it is happening to them. It’s too bad too because it so hard to like a narcissist. You can try and try but eventually you realise that all the love and attention and caring in the world is not going to make one bit of difference to them.They are like naturally curly hair. No matter how hard you try to straighten them out,, they eventually spring back to what they were to begiin with! Gosh this was an excellent post Lisa. Not only are you an expert in psychology, you also have that rare ability to put it all together in an effective way. You have that underlying talent with people that makes you a stand out and I hope you will write a book someday. The world needs to read it!!!
Thanks, Linda. You just described my dad. He wasn’t interested in anything unless it was about him – he’d always turn the conversation his way. He was spoiled rotten by his mother. She used to call him, “King Richard.” Oh brother…!
Your description is perfect, color blind when it comes to emotions. I think my dad was aware that I could see the vacancy – he always seemed a little nervous around me when I got older. Ha! The curly hair analogy, perfect. I guess that’s what makes them so frustrating to everyone hoping for a change. The change never comes.
I do these posts, I think, as much for me as everyone else. At least it gets a little discussion going.
Your comments are too kind, Linda.
There was this girl at work who needed her water bottle filling up, so this idiot filled it up for her with water from the taps in the gents toilets. She didn’t want to drink water out of a tap from the toilet; so I emptied it for her and filled it up with water from the water machine. I believe this makes me a psychopath.
Though she’s also pretty hot so it was probably my hormones coming into play.
hahahah! You are SO NOT a psychopath!!!
Oh pete, you always make me laugh. I think your hormones are probably playing every day!
Also, I think Kramer was the only one in the group that did have empathy. He was a caring man! The other three, yeah they were pricks.
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