The Importance of Healthy Self-Esteem
“There is no agony like bearing an untold story inside you.” – Zora Neale Hurston
WHAT IS SELF-ESTEEM?
1. The reputation we give ourselves 2. The disposition to experience oneself as competent to cope with the challenges of life and deserving of happiness 3. Self-esteem is a consequence – a product of internally generated practices, such as living consciously, responsibly, purposefully, and with integrity.
*Stay away from and out of relationships with people who are not living consciously. (people who are disconnected from their feelings and behave badly when they are subconsciously triggered) Even Eckhart Tolle advises, “At times you may have to take practical steps to protect yourself from deeply unconscious people.”
CAN A PERSON HAVE TOO MUCH SELF-ESTEEM?
Can a person have too much physical health? The answer is simply, no.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PRIDE AND SELF-ESTEEM?
Self-esteem contemplates what needs to be done and says, “I can.” Pride contemplates what has been accomplished and says, “I did.” Authentic pride has nothing in common with bragging, boasting or arrogance. It comes from a different place; not emptiness but satisfaction. It is not out to “prove” but to enjoy. Pride is the emotional reward of achievement. It is a value to be attained.
WHAT IS PSEUDO SELF-ESTEEM?
Pseudo self-esteem is the illusion of self-respect without the reality. It is a non-rational, self protective device used to diminish anxiety and provide a false sense of security — to lessen our need for authentic self-esteem while allowing the real causes of its lack to be evaded. (For example, seeking self-esteem through popularity, prestige, material acquisitions, etc. Narcissists appear to have an abundance of self-esteem but they actually have very little, if any.) The acclaim of others does not create our self-esteem; neither does knowledge, skills, material possessions, philanthropic endeavors or face lifts. These things can sometimes make us feel better about ourselves temporarily. Comfort is not self-esteem. Self-esteem is an intimate experience; it resides in the core of our being. It is what we think and feel about ourselves, not what someone thinks and feels about us.
HOW IS THE FALSE SELF DEVELOPED?
The false self develops when the child finds that his or her perceptions, feelings, thoughts or judgements conflict with those of parents or other family members. The question arises of whether to heed the voice of self or to disown it in favor of the voice of others. The “Self” can slowly erode during our lifetime but it takes the most hits while we are children. Internally our self wrestles – Should we express our thoughts or suppress them? Should we choose independence or conformity? Should we choose self-expression or risk self-repudiation? Should we assert ourselves or surrender ourselves? The cost of staying comfortable, keeping the peace, blending in, not making waves, being “good” or “right,” or being accepted , is too great for the person who desires the freedom of authentic self-esteem. Sometimes this understanding and desire comes later in life when we start to struggle with our relationships.
CAN WE RESTORE AND RECOVER OUR AUTHENTIC SELF?
Yes. One of the ways self-esteem is acquired is by thinking independently when it may not be easy to do so, when it may be frightening, when the person doing the thinking is struggling with feelings of uncertainty and insecurity and is choosing to persevere nonetheless. It’s not always easy to stand by our judgment. To honor your perceptions(feelings) in the face of opposition, is to honor consciousness; to honor consciousness is to honor self-esteem. The recovery process involves emotional risk. It will take time and emotional energy but it will be well worth the effort.
“The process required to develop both spirituality and self-esteem is self-approval. Self approval results from our behaving congruently with our internal/eternal identity.” -Richard Bednar author of “Spirituality and Self Esteem”
A really valid differentiation between self-esteem and pride.
Of course, I have known people with enormous but unwarranted confidence in their own abilities – a confidence which appears immune to learning from the failures.
When it’s unwarranted I suspect that it’s more of a pseudo self-esteem – an extreme cover for what they sense in themselves is lacking. It’s not very attractive. When it’s “enormous” it becomes slightly transparent. You’re right about that kind of confidence being immune to learning from failures – probably because what motivates it in the first place is not an authentic/ pure desire.
This is always a weird one for me. I feel like I have an abundance of self-esteem. Some people think it’s good, others think it’s bad. If I’m happy, then it must be good, right? At least I think mine is authentic self esteem. I don’t really have to do anything to prove that I’m a good person or worthwhile. Like most people, I occasionally get down on myself, thinking I could do more, or be more, but ultimately, I’m happy with who I am.
It’s sad when people have to brag and try to prove themselves. It’s like something that middle schoolers do.
When people are uncomfortable around healthy self-esteem it’s usually because it highlights their own lack of it. No worries. I always had good self esteem and my sisters didn’t like it one bit.
They would do anything to tear me down. That’s when it becomes obvious that it’s not your issue, it’s theirs.
Everyone is a work in progress, right up till the day we die. Finding happiness in this life while on the journey, is the most you can ask for, I think?
When people brag and try and prove themselves, it’s always transparent and unattractive.
I think the hardest thing about self-esteem is the more you think about it the worse it becomes. We get too concerned with how others perceive us and then we get confused about what’s important. The trickiest thing I have found about life is there is not one common goal we all want. It’s why people enjoy sports. The goal for sports is to win a championship. Life has no one championship trophy so we search for answers. Then we find those answers. Then we realize there are other achievements that need to be done. And finally we realize we didn’t really talk much about self-esteem in our comments after all.
haha! I like how sports gets pulled into the convo. Self-esteem can’t be improved by improving other people’s opinions of us. It’s an inside job. That’s why you have to do things that require emotional risk – you get big points when you are true to yourself in the face of opposition. Self-approval is the path to self-esteem.
Another excellent thumbnail on a great topic!
I would add that another key definition of self-esteem in the “What Is…” is to have enough faith in yourself that setbacks or even failures are absorbed and given their appropriate weight without being overwhelming (beyond a healthy processing time.)
Do you think it’s fair to say that too much self esteem manifests itself as arrogance, or would that be leaning towards narcissism?
Again, I love these!
I don’t think you can have too much healthy self esteem, but you can have too much pseudo or false self-esteem which can manifest as narcissism. People who need approval from others will often “act” like they’re confident, over-selling themselves and in the process they give themselves away. No one with healthy self- esteem does that. It’s more of a quiet knowing.
Glad you liked it.
Hopefully if you have good self-esteem you’ll be able to withstand the slings and arrows, failures and challenges that life dishes up. Some of our reactions can be due to triggers from our past. I’ll use myself as an example. My parents were divorced when I was 14. It was scary and sad for me. Now that I’m going through one, those same feelings have re-surfaced. That’s normal to a degree. (It would have been helpful to work through it more when I was young.) I have healthy self esteem but I still feel slightly triggered. I think having emotional intelligence and awareness allows you to identify things (reactions) and put them in their proper place. So probably yes and no to the first question. But just as a general rule – low self esteem exacerbates all emotional issues. In that, you are correct.
Self-esteem, that’s tough. Authentic, got it.
Umm… I’m pretty sure you’re authentic, lady. Don’t make me laugh. Obviously why I love ya.
No, I meant: I’ve got the authentic part— Obviously why we love each other!
It’s the self-esteem I struggle with!
haha!
I am on a quest for that now, Lisa (authentic self) as I’m sure you are on the same path as well. I think the finding it is an adventure, although it really is (and always has been) there all along. I think when we pursue those things that make our soul sing, make us happy and feel good about what we are doing, our self-esteem grows. I also think it grows as we age and realize what’s really important and just what true beauty is. Lovely, thought-provoking post, my dear friend and thank you for this. Despite what you are going through, you always come through. xxoo
You, too, crazy girl. You’re authentic, Brigitte. No worries there. If I can pick you out of a crowd with a blindfold on and earplugs in, just using my gift of extra sensory – I would know you immediately! (I don’t know if that made sense but you get the idea.) You’re the only person I know with your unique intelligence and beautiful Brigitte heart. That means you’re authentic. I think you’re right, as we get older we do hopefully develop greater self-esteem because I think we’ve had more opportunity to act independently and bravely, in the face of opposition. We’ve had more chances for self-approval where we can feel congruent in what we think, feel, say, and do. Take blogging for instance. You and I know how hard it is to swim against the current, but we definitely do when something is important to us. Why? Because we’re authentic and the price of being false is too great for us. The more we choose our own feelings over the crowd, the more we self-approve and the more our self-esteem grows.
On a spiritual note I’ve read that Self-approval is synonymous with the Lord’s approval. We can only self approve of those things that are pleasing to God. Interesting… right?
I love the way your heart and head works – You’re lovely — that I know.
xoxo
Wow– lady just wow. You are simply fantastic Lisa(and Brigitte)
Wow yourself, Audra. You’re included in Brigitte’s comment. My comment applies to both of you, except you don’t have a “beautiful Brigitte heart,” you have a “beautiful Audra heart.”
I read this twice and I think I’ll put this on my desktop, “Self-esteem is a consequence – a product of internally generated practices, such as living consciously,…” As for those “untold stories”, thank god for this new medium! Who knew we would eventually come to bless this box (aka, the computer)?!? So thought provoking, thank you, Ms. Lisa – xox, V
I’m so happy you liked this. I always worry that these posts are too heavy and fall flat. Every once in a while a piece of it finds its way and resonates with someone. So for that one reason I post it. I use this same material in my emotional wellness workshop – I’m starting it up again this week. Why, I don’t know — especially when I’m feeling so fragile. I just thought it might put me in a better frame of mind. It will be the blind leading the blind – lots of bonding to be had!
Thank you again, Vickie, for your kind words and encouragement. xoxox Lisa
The workshop sounds like brilliance. Helping can be sustaining, and feeling fragile… might make you more attuned to the troubles of others? I can tell it’s going to be constructive even before it’s started. I think the mind you frame for us here couldn’t get much better. Thanks for sharing your knowledge and expertise with us, lots of hugs and I hope it’s a whole lot warmer out there than I think it is… !!!
It seems like pseudo self esteem is more visible these days. It’s fashionable for people to behave as if the believe they have it all together on social media like Facebook, etc. Heck, I’m even guilty of it on my blog. There have been lots of times when I pump myself up into making it look like I just love my life and that I have no problems whatsoever, when in actuality the opposite is true. Another great post, Lisa!
Hey, I agree that we live in a world that promotes and reinforces pseudo self-esteem and the false self. It’s sad because it’s like a treadmill that you can’t get off and it leads nowhere. We just keep running and running and putting energy into pumping ourselves up with externals. I attribute the high rate of depression and anxiety and even suicide to this phenomenon. It’s a temporary high that ultimately leaves you feeling empty. Because it’s so subtle and goes undetected, it’s damaging to all of us. That probably explains why, when we see authentic people, we’re so attracted to them. I know I am. Thanks for your honest comment, Em! xoxo
Self-esteem and egotistical attributes often times get intertwined. Too much of one or not enough of the other does not make Jill a happy girl..this is one topic I’m familiar with as my ex was very egotistical which in fact showed how little self-esteem he really had..
great topic up for discussion at Dr. Lisa’s blog
That’s exactly right. I agree. The more unwarranted the confidence, the more transparent is the low self-esteem. Some people with low self-esteem use huge ego displays to off-set what they know they lack. It’s an interesting choice of coping when you think about it – it’s very protective. It’s like those little animals in nature who puff themselves up when the enemy approaches. It’s a false front to hide the weak and fragile ego inside.
Lol! Dr. Lisa’s blog!!
Excellent post.
thanks, Millie!!!
I really appreciate these posts.
Thanks, Sandee! Just something for all of us to think about…
It’s funny, but in my own search for my own esteem…I surrounded myself with insecure narcissistic assholes. I have quietly left each and every one of them in the dust. I feel as though I am having my OWN LIFE finally. It it pretty incredible. I love Eckhart Tolle…he has saved me on many a day…but the quote you mentioned about staying away from unconscious people…that has been the very key. My last job was filled with people racist against each other…n word flyin all over the place, comments like ‘oh she’s a mexican and they have a temper’ full of mistrust, fear, and the overall ‘trapped’ness of everyone’s attitude. I again, have replaced my ‘family’ dysfunction with a job. I left. It was my final frontier so to speak. I now feel freer than ever to really truly create that which I DESERVE. I highly recommend ADVENTURE to everyone!!! Thanks for such a wonderful,. validating post my friend!!! We are definitely on this journey together!!
The people who you are choosing to spend your time with now, reflect the newer, healthier you. I don’t think our spirits can tolerate to be with insecure, narcissistic assholes for too long if we are evolving. The relationship you have with others reflects the relationship you have with yourself. You’ll never go backward at this point, nor will I! It’s impossible, we know too much. It’s like Maya Angelou says – when you know better, you do better. The thing about making your job the same as your family – all the dysfunction and crap is so true. The environment and vibe of where we work is usually what we are used to from our family of origin. We just repeat the pattern.
Thank the Lord that you are off and running in a new direction with happiness and health surrounding you. You’ve paid your dues, so have I. I’m just waiting for the stars to align for me, too. I just love you, Judy!! You are a shining star!!!
Lisa
xoxox
Oh I love you too Lisa!!! We just started this journey, and we are on it everyday. I am on this job quest…I NEVER understand it…I NEVER make enough money…and working on that block is whats ahead of me now. I am scared. But I am NOT changing anything. I’m going to give it the best go I can to build my own deal with hair. I will waitress or clean houses. I will work. That’s it. I have nothing else to do. How can I not when it seems that everything else in my life is lined up with so much love? Its crazy. This trip. I’m so glad you are out there!!!!! Sending you love (and a couple shots o whiskey.)
You’re creating a bunch of mentally healthy people! Thank you
.
Thanks, Astrid. I’m trying.
“Self-esteem is an intimate experience; it resides in the core of our being. It is what we think and feel about ourselves, not what someone thinks and feels about us.”
Lisa, I have problems with this definition. If you met someone who thought they were bad to the core you would no doubt challenge this thought and try to point out that they were bad at some things and good at others. Why then do we believe that someone who simply thinks positively of themselves has good self-esteem?
“…it is a realistic appreciation of ourselves that is experienced more as a feeling or emotion than as a thought or belief. It is a form of personal internal security that allows us to function more fully, freely, and effectively in almost every facet of our lives.” Dr. Bednar continues… “the self-esteem of adults does not depend on the approval or praise of others. Rather as adults we regularly notice what we do, how we feel, and how we feel about what we do. Our own feelings about our behavior are the substance from which our self-esteem either grows or withers. He continues… “The quality of character we see in ourselves, particularly when we are confronted with problems we would prefer to avoid, determines are level of self-esteem.
So, I gather Malcolm, that self-esteem is intrinsically tied to self-approval and self-approval comes when we choose to face difficult challenges regardless of the outcome – the process becomes the source of self-satisfaction.
“We do not depend on external judges declaring us the winner and therefore worthy of feeling good about ourselves. In the words of TS Eliot, “For us there is only the trying. The rest is not our business.”
If you are the person who, when confronted with challenges, in the face of opposition, rises to meet them in a way that is congruent with your best character, and provides self-approval, then likely you have healthy self esteem.
*It’s not the thinking positively about yourself, as much as it is acting on those positive thoughts that gives you healthy self esteem. Anyone can think highly of themselves, but not everyone lives up to the reputation they give themselves. Does that make sense?
“It’s not the thinking positively about yourself, as much as it is acting on those positive thoughts that gives you healthy self esteem. Anyone can think highly of themselves, but not everyone lives up to the reputation they give themselves. Does that make sense?”
Well, I’m not sure it does. If I choose not to rise to the challenge in a way that is “congruent” with my “best character” why does that make me a bad person and/or one suffering from low self-esteem? Sorry to press the point but self-esteem seems to me one of those fashionable concepts that everyone bandies about as if the meaning is crystal clear when it clearly is not. You have made as good an attempt as any but I remain unconvinced.
I’m not that articulate – I’ll try one more time
It doesn’t make you a “bad person.” People don’t develop low self esteem because they’re actually bad. ( though later in life they will set out to prove to themselves that they are by making poor choices) Self-esteem is eroded, usually starting in childhood, by parents and family who, every time you’re being yourself, tell you that you’re not good enough, or right, and make you feel that your very person, and all your instincts are wrong, etc. Eventually you start to replace who you are, with what people want you to be. Low self-esteem is a by-product of being diminished in childhood. In time you are left feeling insecure, second guessing your every move, lacking confidence, etc. because you don’t want to be criticized or judged like you were as a kid. In some families it’s very subtle and wrapped up in, “We care” and, “We just want you to be your best.” The message is, you’re not good enough the way you are and, we know better. In other families the message is delivered in a much harsher way.
In order to restore that lost sense of self, it’s imperative that you start taking emotional risks in adulthood and being true to your self – especially in the face of opposition. We are not a reflection of anyone else, though growing up we were often made to feel that way in our families. The task is to break free of caring about what other people think, always looking for approval. People with healthy self-esteem don’t live their lives according to what other people deem is best, they lives their lives from an internal compass that has been strengthened by continual use- living life and making choices that feel right and congruent to their authentic self. Not what somebody else wants them to be.
Silly example… If I go out to lunch with my mother and she doesn’t approve of my outfit she’ll say something like, “Maybe we should go shopping for some nice clothes?” The message is, your clothes are not nice, you don’t look good, you don’t know how to dress, etc. If this was the message you were given your whole life it would be very difficult to feel confident when clothes shopping, you might start picking out things that you think would please your mother, just to get her approval and not feel hurt. You would substitute her sense of fashion for your own.
To break free of this subtle torment I’m suggesting taking emotional risks. Wear the outfit you like and tell your mother you dress for yourself, not to please her. Be true to yourself and in time your sense of self approval, that comes from acting with integrity, will get stronger.
*Some people believe the messages from their youth so completely, that they fulfill them with poor choices as they enter into adulthood. If your dad repeatedly told you you’re, “lazy and no good” your whole life then you might feel most comfortable choosing behaviors that make this message a reality. For those people, I suggest setting out to prove that the original message was faulty and likely the father’s issue- multigenerational.
You are my own personal DSM reference…btw, I’ve got that independent thinking part down to a fine art…hahaha…as always, much love and many blessings from Susie and I and the Gang of 5…be encouraged!
You know how I just adore my independent thinking friends! I wouldn’t want you any other way.
Give the Susie and the Gang love for me!!
Lisa
Thanks…
Pray for little Andy…puberty finally hit and he is very perplexed by the whole thing…we caught him trying to engage in the nasty with a piece of wood we had split for the fireplace…just to give you an idea.
Be encouraged!
Poor little Andy! I hope he didn’t get a splinter! Haha!
This one hits home for me, Lisa. Self-esteem is so important. This is excellent!
Thanks, Amy! I think we can all use a good refresher every now and then.
Loved this!
Thanks, love!
Thank you for being so patient with me. I’m not questioning your techniques for changing, for example, the messages of youth. They are excellent. I’m simply questioning whether the concept of self-esteem, as you defined it in the post is meaningful.
You say in your post, “Self-esteem …resides in the core of our being… is what we think and feel about ourselves”. I repeat, that we have bad tapes from our childhood that we keep playing to ourselves is true and your techniques to reprogram the messages are right on. However, it is the particular messages that need redoing not the core of our being. We are mistaken in thinking that we must have a particular sense of self and high self-esteem, whatever that means. We are all fallible creatures that make mistakes and it is certainly preferable if we can learn to do better at whatever we strive for. However, if we set up this holy grail of ‘self-esteem’ that we must all strive for we just make ourselves anxious and depressed when we feel that we don’t have it. Doesn’t it just make more sense to simply concentrate on changing the particular behaviors that are preventing us from achieving our goals rather than getting distracted by trying to change the way we “think and feel about ourselves”.
I guess I would contend that you CAN’T change the behaviors and choices unless you change your thinking. If your belief is, “This is who I am” and you accept that, then where’s the motivation to change? It’s a done deal. It’s in cement. If I believe that I’m dumb and don’t possess the potential to succeed academically – what would motivate me to fill out a college application? First I have to debunk the faulty message in my head that I’ve bought into and entertain the possibility that maybe I’m not dumb. You can call it whatever you want, but people with “Low self-esteem” struggle to assert their needs because they’ve been replaced with other people’s needs.
I’ve worked with people who don’t even know who they are anymore, because they do everything for approval, they march to the beat of someone else’s drum. This causes depression and anger and anxiety.
Think about the kid who majors in Business instead of Music because his father has convinced him that music won’t make him happy or successful. He gives way to his father’s ideas instead of listening to his own gut instinct. He graduates and becomes depressed and resentful. If this same kid had a good dose of self-esteem he might have said, “Thanks for the suggestion Dad, but I do love music and I know it will make me happy and so I’m going to pursue it.” He risks disappointing his father or having his father reject him – but he does it anyway. By following his own heart he’s just increased his self-esteem and self-approval. (that doesn’t mean it was the right choice, it’s not about outcome – but it was his to make, not his fathers) If we live our lives in this assertive way, then we’ll feel good about ourselves. It doesn’t mean that we won’t make mistakes or bad choices, but they will be our own and not someone else’s.
It’s a process, Malcolm – it’s not a Holy Grail. It’s a journey that we’re all on – learning to be true to ourselves. I don’t want to live an inauthentic life, making life choices that will win approval or secure love from someone. I don’t want to forfeit my sense of right or wrong, or my instincts, for someone else’s. I want to be free to make my own mistakes and have my own successes. I don’t want to live in fear of rejection or disappointing someone. It’s that simple. We’re always being challenged, there’s always opposition, the trick is to believe, trust, and love yourself enough that you can stay true to your own compass.