A random post on cheaters…
Cheaters Never Win – More Importantly, They’re Never Happy
I was thinking about all the beautiful women, inside and out, who’ve been cheated on by their husbands and boyfriends, and a pattern started to emerge.
I’m one of those people who REALLY, REALLY dislikes “the other woman.” At least I hate the behavior and choices of the cheateress. I feel there should be a code amongst women, that we don’t seduce or date married men. We’ve all heard them say, that if there wasn’t trouble in the marriage, the husband wouldn’t have strayed. That’s false. If the husband was evolved and mature he wouldn’t have strayed. If he was honest and caring he would alert his wife, and the two of them would work on the relationship together. If it’s not meant to be, then together they would make a mutual decision to end the relationship. Granted, that takes a level of maturity that some don’t possess. The marriage vows, the covenant, and the promise to be faithful, should be binding and sacred – not taken lightly. We should never enter or exit that contract casually, especially when there are children involved
I also, equally, dislike women who cheat on their husbands. Even as a child watching the stage version of Camelot, I knew something was very wrong. Guinevere was beautiful and she loved Arthur, and he LOVED her completely, so why did she have to ‘get it on’ with Lancelot? (Other than the fact that his name was Lancelot?) What? She had no self-control? She just gave way to her animal urges? Really? Sorry, but the, “I couldn’t help myself” defense is just pathetic.
If you’ve read the book, “Loving Frank,” by Nancy Horan, you’ll know that Frank Lloyd Wright fell in love with Mamah Cheny while he was designing a house for her and her husband. Mamah ended up leaving her husband and two small children in Oak Park, Illinois to flee to Europe with Wright. Wright left his wife and SIX children to be with Mamah. Romantic? Or, disgraceful? I’m going with disgraceful and unconscionable. If you must leave your spouse, do it the RIGHT way, not the WRIGHT way. PS – it didn’t end up so well for Mamah.
Another creative soul, Hemingway, left his first wife and children to become a serial husband. I think we know how that ended up.
Does anyone one think that King Henry the VIII was a cool cat for beheading his wives and moving on to new conquests?
Is there a cheater and liar, someone who has deceived and caused pain to another, that we can feel warm and fuzzy toward? Woody Allen? How about Arnold Schwarzenegger? Prince Charles? Tiger Woods? Oh, I know, Jesse James! And don’t we all love Kristen Stewart? She’s the best.
Psychologically speaking, one theory suggests that people who act out this kind of self-defeating behavior are usually trying to re-create the feeling of shame or the feeling of carrying some sort of secret, from their past. Why? They do this, because on some subconscious level, beginning in their formative years, they learned to loathe themselves. They carry with them a deep sense of shame – I’m bad, unlovable, defective, worthless, you get the idea – that kind of shame. (They learn this at home) By sneaking around and doing something that they know is wrong, and risking getting caught, they recreate the same shameful feeling from their childhood. They’ll prove to themselves, “See, I am bad. My mother and, or, father, was right.” They perpetuate that earlier message because it’s familiar. There’s also the secondary gain of feeling temporarily powerful or in control. There are other reasons, but I won’t get into them now. Arrogance and narcissism, though they appear to be 180 degrees from low self-esteem, are actually born from deep insecurity and feelings of inferiority. Someone who blatantly cheats and lies to their spouse is likely stuck in an adolescent mind-set. Emotionally these individuals are age 15, or there about, and are unable to feel someone else’s pain. It’s ego run amok with adult privileges.
It takes an emotionally intelligent and strong individual to recognize all of this and work to eliminate this self-defeating behavior. It can be done. No one could ever self-approve of living a lie. It’s not possible – only if it is twisted, rationalized, intellectualized and denied. It’s damaging to the already damaged self. Until this deep emotional work is done, they will continue to be unhappy in their lives and repeat the pattern. Self-defeating behavior, of any kind, first feels exciting and powerful, but in the long run it further damages your sense of self by reinforcing the negative message from your past. The only way out is to choose self-affirming behaviors which will lead to self-approval. Hurting other people, running and hiding and telling lies, does not lead to self-approval. Working on your marriage/relationship will.