Family Patterns…
T H E R A P E U T I C T H U R S D A Y
I used to teach a 6 week emotional wellness workshop. The first class was always the same, it was the foundation for all future lessons. Here’s a portion of that class. (FYI – This is a serious post.)
HEALTHY VS. UNHEALTHY FAMILIES
Imagine, if you will, that there’s a continuum with an emotionally healthy family on one end and a toxic, dysfunctional family on the other end. All families fall somewhere along this continuum. I’ll self disclose – my family family of origin was on the more toxic end of the line.
Healthy*______________________*_____________________*Dysfunctional
Family Patterns are multi-generational. It takes a very strong individual to go against a family dynamic and attempt to change the patterns and ways of thinking. Until that happens, members will always be attracted to other people who perpetuate the old familiar feelings that they knew from their childhood. PATTERNS REPEAT!!!!
See if you can figure out where on the continuum your family falls based on the descriptions below. Remember, these are the two extremes.
HEALTHY FAMILIES (Think Brady Bunch)
- Open and Warm
- Maintain Healthy Boundaries
- Have a Sense of Humor – Able to Laugh at Themselves
- Encourage Independent Thinking and Individuality
- Use Assertive Communication – Demonstrates Feelings Openly
- Respectful of Differences – Free to Pursue Dreams
- Forgiving – There’s always Resolve
- Predictable and Consistent / Emotionally Safe Environment
UNHEALTHY/TOXIC FAMILIES
Ordinary People – Directed by Robert Redford
- Closed
- Fearful – Members Need to Be Guarded, Worry What Others Think
- Shame Based – Members Feel Like They’re Never Good Enough so they Create False Selves / This Family Judges One Another
- Unstable and Unpredictable – Never Sure What’s Going On Behind Closed Doors
- Poor Boundaries (Emotional, Physical, Mental, Sexual, etc.)
- Secretive – Family Uses Covert Communication
- False – Afraid To Be Authentic Self (Low Self-Esteem)
- Each Member is Part of the Family Ego Mass, members each play a role – individuality not allowed
- Communication is Aggressive or Passive
- Sense of Humor is Missing – No Light Heartedness
- Members use Blame as a Defense Mechanism
If you feel that this describes your family of origin, you’re not alone. A lot of adult self-defeating behaviors come from this family dynamic. Awareness is a huge part of breaking the patterns. Just remember that the destructive “messages” from your childhood were false. Go ahead and reject them.
I would want you to know, that you’ve ALWAYS been good enough. You’re lovable and worthwhile. You have tremendous potential to become a whole and healthy adult.
Mine is on the dysfunctional side.
I have little to no respect for one of my brothers, he is an utterly useless human being.
It’s amazing how generational it is. Those patterns are difficult to break. Usually families splinter and lose contact. I don’t speak to anyone in my family.
Just because you share DNA doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship with someone. Sometimes it’s better/healthier to keep your distance.
I call them Emotional Vampires. My birth family is on the dysfunctional side, yet, I like to think I broke the pattern, as my two children are on the other side of the chart, despite a messy divorce and Name Redacted and his avoidance of parenting our children for the last 14 years.
You and I have chatted (as it were) about this, and, I’ve said I find the idea of ‘Framily’ works for me–my friends who are my family.
The family of origin/birth family seems to be the most trouble in our lives. Probably because we’re so impressionable and vulnerable as children? Then we carry those wounds with us. Hopefully were strong enough and smart enough to break the old negative patterns when we have our own kids.
The weird thing is that if you tried the Brady Bunch in real life it probably would be so dysfunctional. 6 kids and they’re divided in half as to which parent they belong to? I could see jealousy, incestuous feelings toward step-relatives, at least one kid would have a drug problem.
My family’s pretty dysfunctional but none of us are really bad people. My mom got treated pretty poorly as a kid by her parents so she did her best to not do it to pass it onto us. My dad was an orphan by the time he was 12 so he has no clue what he’s doing as a parent. All-in-all I think it’s important to learn from the mistakes of your parents. At least that’s what I try to do.
Yes! Exactly. That’s what I just wrote on Addie’s comment. It takes emotional intelligence to break the dysfunction cycle. Not easy. We do the best we can. Sometimes it’s comforting to know we’re not alone in these struggles, though. And, naturally, it’s always good to laugh at our situations.
If I was in the Brady Bunch I might be more depressed than if I was in a rough and tumble family! Haha! I guess I couldn’t think of any family that felt emotionally safe and predictable…
I think this is an important lesson for everyone to think about. Not all parents/family members are great. People are born into families and we are conditioned to love them, but that doesn’t mean that they are perfect. Almost every family has some dysfunction. And I think it’s the hardships and trials that can make or break the family.
OMG! That was worded so well! That’s a great comment. I appreciate what you’re saying. Sometimes this topic is difficult because no one really wants to examine painful issues, but that’s where emotional growth comes from. …and THEN we can all laugh about it! haha!
Seriously, thanks for summing it up so well.
My family situation works out well. I leave them alone and they leave me alone haha. I don’t hate any of them I’d just prefer not to spend any time with any of them. Plus most of them live in Scotland where they can stay.
I think the geographical cure is a good one. I’m fed up with my family, so currently I’m trying to disengage with them. Being left alone sounds perfect to me. I like Addie’s belief that friends can actually make for a better family. Framily or maybe fremily…?
Friends are family we choose, our family of our heart. IF we are lucky, family of origin can also be family of heart. Then, we are doubly blessed.
I guess I’m not so blessed.
Oh, you are. Amazingly so–you changed the pattern, too, right?? Plus, don’t leave Bud and LiC out if the blood/heart mix!
Bud and Lils are definitely blood/heart mix, it’s my birth family that’s toxic.