Cars, Carpets and Church
T I M E T R A V E L T U E S D A Y
There are some things I remember from childhood with such disdain that I thought it might be worthwhile to re-visit them — sort of combine Whiny Wednesday with Time Travel Tuesday? After-all, just because I was a quiet kid, doesn’t mean I wasn’t already taking mental notes of the stupid world around me.
I remember the following as being some of the most insufferable experiences of my youth. Come, let’s enjoy!
The Car Dealership
Going to buy a car as an adult is excruciating enough, but for a child, the car dealership is a mind numbing wasteland of open tiled spaces, glossy cars that you can’t touch, rows of uninhabited desks, and sleazy men in polyester suits. There was nothing for a kid to do but sit and pray that whatever transaction was taking place would wrap up quickly. If you were with your siblings at least you could run around a bit, go to the water fountain, check out the bathrooms, pull some brochures from the wall, etc. But that got old pretty quick and eventually your parents would start looking annoyed and disappointed.
If you were flying solo, it was deadly. I once spent 3 and 1/2 hours with my dad at a Peugeot dealership. I thought I was gonna DIE!!! He ended up buying the car, which turned out to be a lemon and then blamed me for making him buy it!! Really? I didn’t know 9 year olds held such power? How ’bout, “You bought a lemon, Dad. Deal with it.”
Carpet and Furniture Stores
Once again, stores, unless they’re toy stores, can be a pretty exhausting experience for a child. I remember going to the carpet store and hiding in between the hanging persian rugs. I’d climb over the rolled up remnants like it was a small mountain, put there for my enjoyment — all the while, my parents oblivious to the fact that I was dying of sheer boredom. (I believe, whole heartedly, that there have been cases of this, children dying of boredom in stores, we just don’t hear about it, they’re covered up, because no parent could live with the fact that they accidentally killed their child with boredom.)
Church
Church service is a time that even adults have difficulty sitting through. For children, that hour or more can be quite torturous. The only thing that makes it manageable is the passing of the sacrament, the hymns that punctuate the talks/sermons, and the occasional comic relief that comes from an ill behaved child sitting directly in front of you. In my church they pass out bread and water. (I remember once when my son was maybe 3 or 4, after having gotten a nice big piece of bread from the tray, exclaimed in a rather booming voice, “Good bread!” Lots of people turned their heads and smiled, likely because they were thinking the same thing.)
By the time I was entering my teen years, my grandmother decided to pass on one of her little secrets for making church service more entertaining, something she did in her youth. She told me to take the hymn book, go down the song titles and add the words, “Under the sheets” to each title. Well, to my surprise and delight, it turns the songs into something slightly pornographic. Church was never the same. Here’s a sample of some church hymns, you add the rest…
- Abide with Me!
- Come, Rejoice
- Called to Serve
- He is Risen!
- How Firm a Foundation
- Rock of ages
- Rise up oh Men of God
- Behold, the Mountain of the Lord
THANKS GRANDMA!!!
I still get bored at all of those places. Even if I’m doing something that I enjoy, like shopping, I’ll get bored after a while. It’s just nice to be at home with your things rather than having to stand around and pretend you’re interested.
lol about under the sheets. So perfect.
Agreed. These are torturous places for adults and children.
Under the sheets was a total life saver! Lol!
I wish I’d had a grandmama to pass on that gem of wisdom. Trouble is, I’m not a quiet giggler.
I never thought of my grandmother in the same way again. tee hee
“Under the sheets” is wonderful! My favorite church thing as a kid was to get the visitor’s cards that were in the rack in front of me and fill them out with made up names and addresses. I still remember my favorite was Jack and Jill Pale. They lived on Hill Drive! HF
Lol! That would have entertained me, as well! (I’m sure the Lord was amused with our antics! I like to think He has a good sense of humor!) I probably have enough church anecdotes to do an entire post on! haha!
Thanks HF, now you’ve got me thinking of funny names and addresses!
You bet he has a sense of humor — he made us! Go and grip life! HF
It is the lessons learned as a child in those situations that let me cope as an adult with waiting for my girl to get her manicure.
I always look over at the poor, put upon, boyfriends and husbands who sit so dutifully by and wait. Guapo, you are so kind! She’s a lucky girl!
(I hate waiting for a manicure – I can only imagine the patience you have!)
Lisa this was most entertaining. I really love your time traveling! As far a places where kids get especially bored goes, I remember going to the bank with my mom and the counters being so high all I could see was the wall in frront of me. There was literally nothing to do but watch the second hand of the big clock. So I feel for you having to go car shopping with your dad and blaming the Peugeot on you! So funny! (Isn’t that what Columbo drives?) And church! (I love your grandma btw!) . I once walked by an used bookstore and out on the sidewalk there were books in a wagon. I picked up a cookbook from 1910, opened it up and somebody had scratched out once cup of water and changed it to one cup of spit. And who knows 100 years from now somebody may be walking but a bookshop and pick up hymnal and read “Behold, the Mountain of the Lord under the sheets! Super Delightful Post!!
Thanks, Linda.
THE BANK!!! You are so right! Ugh! I could never work in a bank as a teller because it would bring back too many bad memories. I get a little PTSD when I enter a bank, probably why I prefer the drive thru?! ha! (The only thing that you could hope for with a visit to the bank was that there would be some sort of Lollipop or chocolate kisses within reach – that was the least they could do.)
One cup of spit!! ha! I can only imagine the back story that goes with that altered recipe.
As I said to the Colonialist, I never thought of my grandmother in the same way again! She was a gem. Of course I’ve since passed this on to my own children – such a beautiful family legacy… haha!
You’re grandmother left the best kind of legacy! I think when all is said and done the only thing that gets passed down is the humor and the funny things that happened.
I think you’re a lot younger than me, when I was little Bank’s didn’t give out candy. I’m not even sure they gave out money — or at least not enough!! HA! 🙂
Hahahaha!!!! Now I’m picturing the banks in the old western saloon towns with the wooden bars and the big safe!
Maybe they gave me candy because they felt sorry for me? Did you think of that?Ha!
Agh I hate churches, I used to go to church as a child, I don’t know why because my parents aren’t religious, maybe it was just something to do on Sundays? I always hated it even more so because I think I wanted some of that red wine they passed around and never got chance to drink anyway.
Pete! You crack me up! Even as a kid in church you had your eye on the wine…such a party boy! hahaha!
Your Grandma made my day here.
The place that drove me to madness was going home shopping in model homes. Oh, for the first few, you were tickled, walking politely, picking your rooms, pretending you were coming home from school to the new avocado or harvest gold kitchen for a snack–after three or four you understood they weren’t going to buy, they were LOOKING. The rest of that day was shot.
Oh wow! I can SO relate to looking at homes. That was my parent’s idea of fun. The sunday real estate section would be scoured and then we’d go “look” at homes. Sometimes we’d go in them, sometimes just drive around a neighboring town and imagine a better life! hahaha!
Haha! I remember fighting for the best room with my sisters — little did we know there was never any intention of buying. Eventually we caught on.
Such great memories… I could probably do a whole post on real estate adventures.
That under the sheets thing is pretty nifty actually.
I hate those places even now. Annoying and stuff. Carpets are an outrageously boring thing to buy as well.
I’d hate to work in one of those places, ugh. Anything with sleazy sales people makes me gag.
The “Under the sheets” thing has been a real life saver, trust me. Who knew my grandmother was such a cool cat?
Ugh, furniture shops… Deadly.
I know, especially when you’re a kid. It’s always hours long. Deadly, is right.
You haven’t done that to Lily, have you? 😉
Lily’s lived in a protective bubble of comfort and happiness her whole life! haha! Now her husband probably wants to kill me! haha!
You’re still such a kid at heart. That’s what makes people like you so much.
The worst place for me to go as a kid was the Drug Emporium. If you’re not familiar, it was like a CVS/Walgreens/Rite Aid but emporium size. I spent 3 hours in there one time with my mom. Usually my sister was around there too so we could run around and do whatever. Mom would in kid time take 5 days (which translates into an hour) looking at what holiday cards to buy people. But the Funions were sold near the register and I knew that if I was a good boy I would get a bag of my favorite onion flavored snack.
My family also played the “under the sheets” game. Mostly with fortune cookies.
That’s so kind. Thank you, Tim!
Haha! 5 days = one hour in kid time! So true! Funions! Oh my gosh, I haven’t thought about those for so long. Yeah, my family always attached a nice food reward to anything that was unpleasant — that way when we were grown we’d all numb ourselves with food. Great parenting! haha!