A Different Father’s Day Message…
F A T H E R ‘ S D A Y {W I T H A T W I S T}
I’m writing this post today for all of the people who go to pick out a card for their fathers and are unable to because the words that they’d like to say don’t exist in cards. In fact, looking at cards only causes them to feel sad for what they’ve missed out on. They walk away because, as it turns out, they don’t really feel like buying this person something to congratulate him for what he didn’t do, for not being there, for not caring and for not loving them.
Sometimes we forget on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day that it’s not always a cause for celebration. These two days can be very painful for some people and we need to keep this in mind. Father’s day for me has become an icky reminder of the love I never knew.
As someone who studies and practices therapy I know that this early wounding can cause a child to grow up and make choices based on feelings of unworthiness. There’s a ripple effect that takes place, and believe me, it’s not a good ripple. I could write a lot here, like a book, but I’m going to refrain. Sadly, that’s the gift I now give my father in return for his actions and neglect–my silence.
No parent is ALL good or ALL bad. I try to keep this in mind and remember that my father had moments of goodness as well, though they were few and far between.
One of the ways I learned to cope while growing up was by remembering that God was my father, my Heavenly Father. Knowing that I had an all-knowing Father, someone who knew every hair on my head and loved me unconditionally, was a huge comfort and it still is. He’s someone I can always turn to and know He’s listening and caring. : )
So if you have the privilege and honor of being a father, remember that you too hold a sacred office. You’ve been given a special gift. No job is more important than the job of nurturing, loving and guiding your children. If you do this job well, giving it your heart and soul, your children and their children (and so on) will thank you.
Happy Father’s Day, Dad! (And no, I don’t mean MY dad.) haha!
I open up my email, this pops in, I read it and cry. Darn you for those emotional tears!! Well written, my blog friend. Let us also not forget the Moms who are often also Dads (and the other way around).
Now, I’m going to have my coffee!!
Thanks Addie. I think I wrote it to be cathartic. So many people suffer in silence, isolating so as not to be reminded of what they never had. To be honest, Christmas is tough for a lot of people, too. It’s a big suicide day — there are always people that seem quiet and withdrawn on that day. I just wanted to add a little needed perspective, I guess. Sometimes it’s comforting to know you’re not the only one.
For what it is worth, I am proud of you, Lisa. You rose above the pain and are a remarkable woman with wonderful children. The Father of whom you do speak gave you that courage and fire and strength to carry on in life. Well done.
Thank you for that, Addie. And I might say the exact same words right back to you. I believe we’re from the same tribe. : )
LOVE this. I’ve thought about this too, from talking to friends who have had mixed or bad relationships with their parents. It’s not all Leave It to Beaver out there.
Thanks Madame Weebs. I think it needed to be said. I’m happy to step in the role of spokes person for the dysfunctional. : )
This is so nice. Thank you for this. We all have those good and bad memories; I guess as I’m growing older I try to focus on the best ones. That’s not always easy and I know some people don’t have any good memories.
But, your post is so spot on for those who have, as you say, “[your] father had moments of goodness as well, though they were few and far between.” I don’t think the “leave to Beaver” Dad exists.
So God bless, and I hope you have a wonderful day. :).
Thanks Brigitte. It’s easy to forget and just assume that everyone has the ideal family life. It’s easier sometimes to walk around with a smile plastered on your face than display a big fat wound. Maybe it will bring some comfort or balance to some who are hurting? Thanks for your sweet comment.
Have a beautiful day!
Lisa
It already has. :).
While the post hinges on sadness for many, it is reality.. Some have wonderful Father’s who deserve to be honored while others would just as soon forget …
I understand and will say instead..Happy Day!!
🙂
Thanks, Lynne. It’s a sad reality for many, myself included. I just figured that it might be comforting for some to know they’re not alone in this issue. I thought it needed to be said.
Hope you’re having a great day!
Lisa
This was a really great post! So well written and true. There’s so much pressure these days in sticking with your family, or family is above all the most important. Like, umm no. I mean, for those who are blessed with a great family, then yeah, that would be the most important. But for those who don’t, it’s not fair to say family is the greatest thing when they don’t have a good one.
I’m lucky because I have a good one 🙂 Well…my immediate one at least.
Thanks my Lily child, I’m sensitive enough to know that those two “special” days can be uncomfortable for lots of people. I’m glad you feel happy with your parents and our little family. We’re a good ol’ group, I suppose : )
Have a wonderful day and know that you’re loved.
Moms
I told God happy Daddy’s Day today too. I have a Dad who was there and did the best he could, but. . . . I thank God that He is the perfect Father. Many would be happier if they’d realize that the only one who can meet all those needs and be the perfect father is God. Some turn against God instead of toward Him when their father’s fail. I’m glad He was/is there for you 🙂 Good post! Angie
Thanks. I felt like it needed to be said. Not everyone grows up in the ideal home.
I read this to my wife. She, too, grew up in a home where love was always conditional, dependent on the moods, needs and wants of her parents and, too often, withdrawn or withheld as a tool to control. This really spoke to her as she also has found an infinite reassurance in the love of her heavenly Father. Thank you for your article.
Thanks, Richard. I’m glad to hear that my words resonated with some readers. It sounds like your wife and I grew up in the same house. Life is not such an easy journey when you start from a place of feeling hurt. It’s such a blessing to know that our Heavenly Father loves us beyond our comprehension. : )
Thanks for the post…a lot closer to home than I would like to admit…
Be encouraged!
Thanks Stephen. It can be a rough day for some. I thought it was worthy of a post.
Hi,
A very moving post, and good on you for being able to move on from that part of your life.
Thanks, Mags. Some of us were not so lucky in the parent department, I’m afraid. Sometimes it’s worth a mention, especially on a day when we might be feeling a little down.
thank you for writing this. I felt this way exactly on Mother’s Day. I stared at the cards and walked away– sending a blank note card instead.
Glad Madame Weebles posted your link 🙂
Thanks Unfetteredbs. I figured I was not alone in that experience. I do the same thing with Mother’s Day cards. I think Mother’s Day is more difficult because the expectation is greater. I always go with the blank card, too. This year I opted for no card. It was very hard.
I didn’t even know that Madame Weebles posted my link. How very kind of her.
Thanks for your great comment.
You put this so well with such wisdom I know you have struggled and won. Beautifullu said.
Blessings,
Carol
Thank you, Carol! Your kind words mean a lot to me.
Have a beautiful week : )
Lisa
I was looking for a fathers day card last Friday and me and my mate were stood there amongst a load of people all looking, my mate picked one out for me saying “DAD YOUR MEGA”
And I said, “But he’s not mega, he’s a knob! Why aren’t there any ‘DAD YOUR A KNOB’ cards?” Everyone around us began laughing 😀 he’s not all that bad. He’s provided me well and given me what I’ve needed in life so I have no real complaints, but when I just sit down on the toilet for a chillaxing 15 minutes, I don’t expect to be interrupted straight away saying he needs a wee!
Anyway, in the end I got him a big card saying “DADDY!” on it. Because I’m super nice.
I would be all set if there were, “Dad your a Knob” cards! haha!
I’m so happy you shared that intimate moment with me and gave me a visual of you on the toilet chillaxing!!!! Thanks Pete!
“Daddy!” Just that one word with an exclamation point, cracks me up. You are super nice, much nicer than I am, apparently.
You have a way with words, A Gripping Life. Always have and always will. My brother was the mother and the father to his two daughters. (That sounded like a math equation.) Or should I say, “What do you call a father who is the father and the mother to both of his daughters?” Answer? Momdy. That is what they called him.
Oh my gosh. That’s sort of sad… Such a burden for anyone. At least family members recognize it and give him proper credit. What about when both your parents are the emotional age of a couple of 12 year olds. Then the children grow up in complete anarchy. Welcome to the Gore family.
It’s good you got this out there and shared with us. Yeah, like you already don’t know sharing things is good for the soul.
Days like Father’s Day I’m sure are tough on lots of people and for all sorts of reasons. Whether because you lost your dad, never had one, or had a rotten one, it’s rough to see everyone else so blissful. But I think it’s a holiday for the good dads as Mother’s Day is for the good moms. It’s another holiday trying to fit the idea of what the American Family should look like. Hopefully other members of your family appreciate the person you are.
Thanks, Moosey. I feel like I got a chance to create the family I wanted with my husband and children. It’s so much better than what I grew up with. No family is perfect but at least my immediate family likes to laugh and can have fun together.
I’m always sensitive about those two days in particular. Not everyone has a rosy situation.
Brilliantly written and sadly, so very true. My dad was everything he should have been, but I have someone very close to me who had a horrible relationship with their father. Every occasion was fraught with difficulty, dishonesty to spare the feelings of mom, false humour and respect to keep the peace. Misery all around!
Thank you kindly. Isn’t that sad…? The best years of our life should be when we’re children, free and happy and secure. Sadly, some of us survive our childhoods. It makes the rest of life’s journey that much harder. I’m always sensitive on Mother’s and Father’s Day because I know there are those who don’t have much to be happy about.
I think when I was growing up I was very observant of other families, even TV show families. I took mental notes because I knew that’s what a healthy family would look and feel like. I think because I’m sensitive and my radar is up all the time (protection) it was natural for me to become a counselor. I feel things very strongly as I’m sure this person who is close to you does. That may be the only positive side to this – we somehow become empathetic, compassionate people. : )
By the way, Charlene, for some reason my wordpress account takes me off of blogs that I’ve signed up for. I just realized that I hadn’t gotten anything from you in awhile and I checked and sure enough, I was not listed as following! Argh! It does this all the time. I’m not sure why? I just re-signed up. I’ll have to keep checking, just in case it does it again.
Also, my kids thought I was brilliant for figuring out how to put my Pinterest account on my blog. haha! I finally told them the truth. Even still, they were impressed : )
Mother’s Day is rough in our house. The kid’s mom died from Lou Gehrig’s disease 9 yrs. ago, and no one even acknowledges the fact that I exist.
Anyhow, your words remind me of the quote: “Any man can be a dad, but it takes a real man to be a Father.” I got lucky when I got my dad, but not everyone can say the same.
It’s painful, isn’t it? I personally understand the desire to have these days disappear, ignored and swept under the rug. It must be very difficult for you to tip toe around their issue, their mom’s life and death. I’m sorry you have that trial.
Not every one can say the same about their fathers. I probably know more who have a strained relationship or none at all with their fathers. I’m always happy to find out when someone had great parents. It’s really such a blessing to be thankful for.