Life is a Beach…

I was recently in Sea Pines, South Carolina trying to shake off my Vegas nightmare. We go there every year and rent the same place. It feels like a second home even though we’re just renters. I like the familiarity, knowing where to go and what to do. It’s a stress free vacation, to be sure.

The best part of this vaycay is going to the beach and just chillin’. I usually rent a couple of reclining beach chairs that the life guards set up for me. I wake up early everyday and get down to the beach by 8:00 am. That’s when you see the dolphins, get a good spot and enjoy the softer sun. By noon it can get incredibly crowded. 


One of my greatest joys is watching the different groups of people; couples, families, what have you, set up their beach gear. This year it was like a circus because the tide was high everyday between 12:00 and 2:00 leaving people only a strip of sand to park their stuff on. To me, it’s all about strategy. The people that arrive around 10:00 am, for some reason, are never smart enough to ask the life guard when high tide is, so they set up their stuff only to have the ocean wash it away an hour later! Oh my gosh, is this fun to watch!! Husbands and wives screaming at each other, total panic and kids acting so confused. When I see people about to make this mistake I’ll say something as long as they seem worthy of my concern; old people, single moms with too many kids, and… well, that’s about it. I’m seriously so beach savvy that I could have gotten a job on Bay Watch.


  • Umm, please don’t set up your chair or umbrella directly in front of me. I’ve traveled from Chicago to see the ocean not your ugly beach hat. This year I dug deep holes around my spot so that no one could come close. (not really but I wanted to.)
  • Learn how to anchor your beach umbrella in the sand properly using one of those screw things first and then placing your umbrella inside. I’ve seen too many umbrellas turn into weapons of mass destruction. No one wants to get impaled on their vacation. (I could write a whole post about people who think sinking an umbrella post 8 inches into the sand is gonna hold. Are you seriously that brainless?)
  • Teach your kids not to sneak up on people in the water. I almost had a heart attack when I felt something rub up against my thigh — no, it wasn’t a sea urchin or shark, just some kid with no boundaries.
  • If you’re a skinny be-otch with a hot figure choose to sit near your own kind. I go to the beach to feel good, not to return home feeling suicidal.
  • Likewise, if you have normal range figure flaws; thighs rub together, bathing suit is old and ill fitting, you’re already burned to a crisp, or your self-conscious, well then, you can park it by me. All chubbies and the figure flawed are welcomed!
  • If you have my taste in music, feel free to play it so I can hear it– if you have crap taste, turn it off.
  • If the sand is hot and you’re exiting the beach pick up the pace! The people behind you don’t want to burn the bottom of their feet because you can’t hustle.
  • Speaking of sand, don’t knock over anyone’s sand castle! I saw someone do this and I was like, What the heck?? Who are you, Satan?
  • If you bring your dog to the beach while the sun is at it’s most hot and you think you’re gonna let him or her sit there without the benefit of water or an umbrella, you will have to tend with me. It might get ugly, I’m just saying.

The beach/ocean is a BEAUTIFUL and GLORIOUS thing. Go to enjoy it and have fun, just don’t be stupid or inconsiderate. : )

*I’m really not this much of a be-otch… well, maybe I am. : D