Life is a Beach…
I was recently in Sea Pines, South Carolina trying to shake off my Vegas nightmare. We go there every year and rent the same place. It feels like a second home even though we’re just renters. I like the familiarity, knowing where to go and what to do. It’s a stress free vacation, to be sure.
The best part of this vaycay is going to the beach and just chillin’. I usually rent a couple of reclining beach chairs that the life guards set up for me. I wake up early everyday and get down to the beach by 8:00 am. That’s when you see the dolphins, get a good spot and enjoy the softer sun. By noon it can get incredibly crowded.
BEACH PEOPLE and BOUNDARIES
One of my greatest joys is watching the different groups of people; couples, families, what have you, set up their beach gear. This year it was like a circus because the tide was high everyday between 12:00 and 2:00 leaving people only a strip of sand to park their stuff on. To me, it’s all about strategy. The people that arrive around 10:00 am, for some reason, are never smart enough to ask the life guard when high tide is, so they set up their stuff only to have the ocean wash it away an hour later! Oh my gosh, is this fun to watch!! Husbands and wives screaming at each other, total panic and kids acting so confused. When I see people about to make this mistake I’ll say something as long as they seem worthy of my concern; old people, single moms with too many kids, and… well, that’s about it. I’m seriously so beach savvy that I could have gotten a job on Bay Watch.
LISA’S RULES FOR BEACH FUN or in my case BE-OTCH fUN
- Umm, please don’t set up your chair or umbrella directly in front of me. I’ve traveled from Chicago to see the ocean not your ugly beach hat. This year I dug deep holes around my spot so that no one could come close. (not really but I wanted to.)
- Learn how to anchor your beach umbrella in the sand properly using one of those screw things first and then placing your umbrella inside. I’ve seen too many umbrellas turn into weapons of mass destruction. No one wants to get impaled on their vacation. (I could write a whole post about people who think sinking an umbrella post 8 inches into the sand is gonna hold. Are you seriously that brainless?)
- Teach your kids not to sneak up on people in the water. I almost had a heart attack when I felt something rub up against my thigh — no, it wasn’t a sea urchin or shark, just some kid with no boundaries.
- If you’re a skinny be-otch with a hot figure choose to sit near your own kind. I go to the beach to feel good, not to return home feeling suicidal.
- Likewise, if you have normal range figure flaws; thighs rub together, bathing suit is old and ill fitting, you’re already burned to a crisp, or your self-conscious, well then, you can park it by me. All chubbies and the figure flawed are welcomed!
- If you have my taste in music, feel free to play it so I can hear it– if you have crap taste, turn it off.
- If the sand is hot and you’re exiting the beach pick up the pace! The people behind you don’t want to burn the bottom of their feet because you can’t hustle.
- Speaking of sand, don’t knock over anyone’s sand castle! I saw someone do this and I was like, What the heck?? Who are you, Satan?
- If you bring your dog to the beach while the sun is at it’s most hot and you think you’re gonna let him or her sit there without the benefit of water or an umbrella, you will have to tend with me. It might get ugly, I’m just saying.
The beach/ocean is a BEAUTIFUL and GLORIOUS thing. Go to enjoy it and have fun, just don’t be stupid or inconsiderate. : )
*I’m really not this much of a be-otch… well, maybe I am. : D
Yet another reminder for me why I dislike the beach so much. I actually don’t hate it. From September-May I enjoy the beach. From Memorial Day to Labor Day it’s hell on earth. Someday I hope you can find a vacation spot without annoying people around. If I find it I’ll let you know.
Did Lily write the beginning of this? Totally saw shades of her.
No she didn’t, but thanks for the compliment! I wish I had shades of her or could channel her humor when I’m writing.
As long as I can enjoy the beach at quieter times of the day I don’t mind the crowds. Sometimes it’s even fun and you can end up near good people. I chose for this post to focus on the less desirable people – at least I get a good laugh.
Goodness, it doesn’t sound as if it was stress-free! Unfortunately when you’re on a public beach, you’re going to run into others that don’t always check high tide and such, they just go. I don’t think it necessarily makes them stupid, just uninformed and maybe they’re not accustomed to living near a beach. What is crap taste in music anyway? One man’s treasure is another man’s….something like that. Although I don’t like it when people blare their music loud, no matter what it is.
Maybe it’s best to go when it’s not so early or busy and you wouldn’t have to worry so much about umbrellas, children, pets and others…? There’s always going to be people that seem to not have any consideration for others on a beach. Sounds as if this beach was really crowded. That happens here at the great big beach nearby and there are those people who seem to be oblivious to others enjoyment. Don’t know why that is!
And those skinny, perfectly-toned people, well, I just don’t look at them and read my book. I was them at one time and it sure was fun. Now I just put on my ugly beach cap/hat and enjoy the waves.
Hope it’s better next time, Lisa!
Hey Brig! I think you may have misinterpreted my post but I’m sure it’s my fault because there’s no way you, or anyone can jump in my dyslexic brain and know how my wheels are turning. I actually LOVE going to the beach there, and like I said, I go EVERY YEAR. I’m just an observer of people and I take it all in. I like to complain (on the blog) but I’m really very nice and helpful. This was just me making my observations into a sort of joke. (I guess not funny?) I get down to the beach early, have my lunch at the beach restaurant when the crowds start arriving, and then I’m usually out of there by 2 or 3. And it is a PRIVATE beach. It’s beautiful. When it’s not high tide there’s a wide expanse of beach for everyone to find their own little spot. It was just funny to me this year because everyday was high tide and no one seemed to figure out that the water was rising! I had some really good laughs.
No, it’s not your brain, it’s mine and I have no excuse for it other than it doesn’t always get things. It WAS funny, I guess I took it too literal, Lisa. It’s not you, it’s me!! You’re great. Me, I didn’t sleep well last night so there you go. Obviously my gray matter isn’t firing on all cylinders today…:).
haha! Mine is NEVER firing on all cylinders! That’s why I always need to double check. And just FYI, you’d be wise to never take anything I say literally. 99% of the stuff I write is intended to be funny and is written/ made up to get a laugh, although I miss the mark 9 times out of 10. Sorry for making you think I was a queen bitch!
Have a beautiful, stress free day!
The people wearing ill-fitting bathing suits are my favorite. I’m no prude, but I fricken hate bikinis on anyone. If they have a hot bod, I just feel jealous, and if they don’t, I’m just grossed out. This summer when we were at the beach I saw so many un-checked wedgies that I started keeping tally of them. Cover that sh*t up.
LOL!!! OMG! That’s exactly the way I feel! I was laughing with Lily because we were thinking if you saw people walking around in these teeny, ill fitting suits anywhere else, say the grocery store, you’d probably lose your lunch. Only at the beach can you get away with those looks. haha! I’ll see someone who I believe has my same flaws and then I’ll inevitably turn to a member of my family and say, “That’s what I look like, right?” It’s depressing and yet funny!
I’m so glad you had a do over for the VegasBirthdayFromHell–you deserved your needed time by beach and water.
I agree with each of your rules, sans one–I’d be the pasty white person huddled under the umbrella with my so less than perfect body shaded by both the umbrella and my enormous hat.
What is it with people who go to the beach with kids or animals and bring no shade for them to rest under? I bet they are the people who think Vegas is a target desired destination vacation.
Congrats on a good time!! Nothing like something familiar and comfy to renew our batteries. And, it’s obvs (look!! LilySpeak!) where Lily gets her SOH; you.
Hey, are you kidding, I sit under an umbrella too, with my big beach hat and sunglasses and zinc oxide all over my face! I just don’t sit directly in front of someone! All pasty white people are welcomed to sit in my vicinity! haha!
The people who think it’s fun to bring their dog to the beach and then neglect to take proper care of it, usually rue the day they sat near me! LOL!
I think this post may confuse people. Please know that I LOVE my little beach trip every year. I think you know my humor by now, right? As Moose said, there are shades of Lily, here. Haha!
I always take your posts with a laugh, unless you point out you are being serious. Let me see if I can make sense here–your posts are obviously light-hearted and full of life. When you get serious, I can actually picture you lecturing in a classroom–your whole tone changes and your pacing in how you write. It becomes very concise and pinpoints your view exactly. Otherwise, it’s this happy expression of what you view around you.
Now, pass the zinc oxide and the latest copy of People while we glare at the couple who just planted themselves in front of our perfect seating arrangements. I’ll throw something if you join me in looking innocent when I finally manage to hit them.
Ahhh…. PERFECTION. That’s it exactly.
You and I would have a ton of fun at the beach. I’d love to throw some Cheez Doodles at the people in front of us. We’d read People magazine along with what ever other crap they’re selling at the check-out and make fun of those people too! Just add a nice cooler full of sodas and we’d be drunk on fun! Sounds like a perfect beach day!
I love the beach but all the things you listed here are precisely the things I hate. Especially the kids sneaking up on you in the water. Get the F away from me. I WILL kick you. Also, the people with the hot beach bodies. Find your own beach and stay away from me, lest I drown myself in despair.
Lol!! YES! That’s too funny! I was with Lily when that kid almost gave me a heart attack. I thought Lily was gonna pee her suit — well, she may have for all I know. But seriously, forget warning the people about Jellyfish, let’s keep those annoying kids to a minimum.
Yeah, the hot beach body people sicken me – that’s why I take extra glee in watching their umbrella fall over 20 times or when they accidentally get sand kicked in their face — oops, my bad.
It’s too bad we’re not in the same city, Grippy, we’d be the ultimate Dynamic Duo.
…I was thinking the same exact thing.
😀
I can see it now. Your new blog! Ask the Beach Beoch! Or maybe you could write the definitive Beach Courtesy Tome! You’re calling awaits you! There are so many funny things in this post I want to talk about. Well first of all, you’re right only Satan would destroy a sandcastle! And you would think the lifeguards who set up the beach chairs for people would mention the tide. But then they probably get as much a kick out of watching them when the tide comes in as you do! LOL! The beaches usually aren’t that crowded in my neck of the woods. But you can accidentally come across a nude beach which can be quite disconcerting and the reason it’s emptier than all the other beaches. Duh!! You’re vacay sounds like it was delightful and that it certainly made up for the place we shall not mention. 😀
Lol!! I’m glad you were amused! It was fun to write. I just love watching all the activity and different ways people have approaching the same thing. You’re so right about the lifeguards, I’ve thought of that so many times. Why don’t they just tell people that the tide will be high at 1:00? That would help people figure out where to set up their stuff. Or put it on a big chalk board at the point where people are sure to see it. Linda, believe me when I tell you that I’m Gladys Kravitz of the Beach. I’m always giving people info and helping them set up their umbrellas. I’m such a back seat driver! Oy! I want everyone to have a nice time so I make sure they do everything right. When people suggest the idea to “Adopt a Beach” I don’t think they have me in mind! haha!
Mind you, if I wanted to walk a little further down the beach where there were less people I could but that would put me further from the sno-cones, food and drinks, so you see my dilemma? Lol! All I know is I have a riot when I’m there, especially with Lily. We laugh the entire time.
I may need to write the definitive Beach Courtesy Tome, just to get it out of my system! They could hand it out at the beach!
I have refreshed my note on the monitor that reads…DO NOT MAKE LISA MAD.
🙂
Be encouraged!
haha! Hopefully everyone knows me well enough to know that I’m not this person, not completely anyway! Just having a little fun. tee hee : )
First, high five on the beach getaway.. I know where you went and it is loverly there. For me growing up in Va. Beach and now living on the Florida beaches Yup, I agree with all you say.. I would also add to your list stop tossing your stale sandwich remnants to the sea gulls so they invade near me like something out of “The Birds” damn near giving me a heart attack. …
So glad you got away fro some sun & relaxation 🙂
Thanks Lynne. It was a lot of fun. I love the East coast beaches best of all.
I totally forgot about the sea gulls! What do they have, like, x-ray vision? I swear that they know which bag contains the chips/food. They just sit their and inch closer and closer. It is like, “The Birds!” And there’s always someone luring them in with “stale sandwich remnants.” haha! So true!!!
I like your rules! I will live by them if I ever go to a beach again (maybe in ten years or something). Nice to know that you defend those dogs. If I’d see something like that, I wouldn’t have the guts to do something, but if I would have them, I’d claw their eyes out or something.
Sorry that I used ‘something’ three times in this sentence.
I feel the most strongly about the dogs. There was once a seeing eye dog that came on the beach with a blind man and his family. They completely neglected him and he was obviously panting and burning up. I approached the family and told them they needed to take care of the dog or leave. I think they were shocked that i had said something and eventually they left because they hadn’t thought to bring the right supplies for their dog.
This dog was a companion and worked for them and they treated it like crap! I was fuming mad.
When you’re sitting there you can observe so much of humanity. It’s very interesting.
Well done, Lisa! There should be more people like you.
I’m all about winter beaches – I’d much rather walk on a rocky desolate beach in the morning than deal with all of the things you listed above. Skinny hot women ruin everything. Esecially ones with no visable embarrasing body hair or stubble.
I’m a total morning person. I wake up everyday between 5:30 and 6:00 because that’s when my internal alarm goes off. That’s a great time to enjoy the beach. By the time lunch time rolls around I’m getting ready to leave. It works out well. I also like dusk on the beach and I’ve been known to sit under an umbrella all bundled up watching a storm roll in. I love a romantic beach. (I’m usually by myself because no one in my family loves it as much as I do.)
The funny thing is, that I enjoy the people, most of the time. I love watching children discovering new things and building sand castles, etc. I also like watching dogs run into the waves to retrieve a tennis ball. Basically all the good stuff.
I’m with you, the skinny, toned people need to go somewhere else. That’s the one thing that I can’t tolerate! haha!
Fantastic and common sense pointers! Take the hint, people!
haha! Yeah, if I was in charge of the beach everyone would have a great time. Too bad I can’t put a whistle around my neck and give people tickets for bad behavior.
Lol!
Define what is good and what is crap music? Curious minds want to know..
Great beach pointers… is this how Marcia Brady would act? what about women that wear jeans and turtlenecks to the beach? Would you let me sit near you? haa
Obviously, if I don’t like it, then it’s crap. (Perhaps you should read the exchange I had with Brigitte, lest you’re thinking along the same lines…)
Anyone who would wear jeans and a turtleneck to the beach is more than welcome to sit near me. Just stay clear if you’re a skinny beotch. : )
Hope you had a great weekend!
Your fired up…
I was serious as to what kind of music you liked.
I m not a skinny beotch.. just a curvy one
I should have put haha! after the music thing. But I did get thrown off my game a little and had to do a re-check of my humor. I must have come off like one scary broad if people read it without injecting the humor. It scared me : o
I seriously love all sorts of music. I’m very eclectic as you could well imagine. My favorite decades are the 60’s and 70’s. But I stay current thanks to my kids. What about you? I should say the only music I don’t like is Jazz, especially if it’s elevator, loosey goosey jazz. It makes me hostile. haha!
Lol this was one of those posts that you could put “Jk…BUT SERIOUSLY” at the bottom. It funny and true, and it’s like on one hand, people are people but on the other hand, they all just need to go away. I think it comes with having been some place so often too. Like, when you see others that don’t know better, it’s frustrating. At the beach I don’t care as much about other people, but at Disney or something, I get annoyed by people who don’t know what to do. Ya know? hehehe
PS this was a very Lily-esque rant! I’m so proud.
There were some people who did in fact state that this had “shades of Lily.” I take that as a compliment, although it scares me when people don’t know I’m joking.
It would be easy to walk down the beach for a less crowded situation but then that would put me far away from the snack bar and we wouldn’t have as many laughs… such a dilemma.
Let’s face it, we’re beach pros. I actually invented the beach. I know, very few people know this.
It’s tough to be the inventor of things. Take it from me–I know how it goes.
Excellent rules!
Hopefully you could see the sarcasm/humor in this post. I’m afraid I might have frightened some people. haha! But yeah, overall, I think very good rules. Thanks : )
Sigh. I love the beach. We don’t get too much tide action in Surfside (which is way better than Galveston, BTdubs), nor are there enough people to block a view.
Kid boundaries? Totally an issue. I always wonder if I’m going to have to pull a lifeguard and save someone’s kid who’s gone out too far or is gently touching my leg.
haha! Lily had a good laugh when I almost jumped out of my skin after this little girl bumped into me. The thing is, I’m sure I was that little girl at that same age. Half of the joy of being at the beach is getting to laugh at the Out of Control situations you find yourself in. Galveston – ugh. I’ve been there a few times. Last time the town seemed so depressed. It has the potential to be better than it is, though.
I was so scarred once because I crept up to this lady at the counter of a convenience store because I thought she was my mom. I was all up in her space, then I realized it wasn’t who I thought it was. For real, I’m still thinking about the embarrassment! She wasn’t scared though. It helps that we weren’t in water.
That was probably more traumatic for you then it was the lady? It’s scary when your little and the person you think is your mom, isn’t. YIKES!
Yeah, being in the water really adds the extra scare. I’m already a little bit of a baby thinking I’m gonna step on a crab or something, I get super jumpy. For all I know I could have scared that little girl, too? It’s like a giant washing machine with the waves and everything.
Grippy,
Based on your reaction of my pic on Madame Weebles’ blog, I will add this one:
. Don’t let Le Clown walk in a Speedo swimsuit.
Le Clown
Unless you’re interested in causing a mass exodus from the beach, I suggest you stick with the surfer board shorts. The masses will thank you.
Grippy,
And here I thought Americans with their big appetite for greasy hamburgers would appreciate Le Clown’s magnificence. How disappointing.
Le Clown
Are you comparing your “magnificence” to a greasy hamburger, ’cause if you are, then I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Oh please.