A Beautiful Bond…
I M P R I N T I N G
A rapid learning process by which a newborn or very young animal establishes a behavior pattern of recognition and attraction to another animal of its own kind or to a substitute or an object identified as the parent.
I was born in Johannesburg, South Africa in 1962. Sadly, Apartheid was in full swing. My father had a job opportunity and he took it, leaving New York and everything he knew behind, well, not everything, he took his wife and children, too. My mother was pregnant with me, and my sister was three-years-old when they journeyed to that faraway land.
After I was born, I was cared for by a Xhosa nanny, Violet. When I see a picture of her, my eyes always well up with tears. One time I was watching home movies with my family. When Violet came on the screen, I remember feeling overwhelmed with emotion. I became inconsolable. I had to leave the room. I was an adult by that time. The feeling behind my reaction is one of extreme longing and sadness – I have no other way to explain it. It’s a reflex that’s buried deep in my heart.
My mother has told me that after we returned to New York, I continued to look for Violet’s beautiful face — Violet had loved me and taken care of all my needs. I’ve somehow equated her face and her spirit with a total sense of security – something on a cellular level. My mother, on more than one occasion, would have to explain to complete strangers, why her three-year-old daughter was pointing and acting so excited to see them. The memory and bond would kick in. Fifty years later, it’s still there. Incredible.
I often wonder why I had this experience and what I’m meant to do with my understanding of it. I know that our first few years of life are precious and that WE DO leave an indelible impression on those we care for. I also know that LOVE is LOVE, it transcends all, it’s something universal that each of us understands.** I hope I see her on the other side so I can thank her for her love and care.
Lisa, what a BEAUTIFUL and moving story. This should be Freshly-Pressed!! The pics are so nice — you were a gorgeous baby and isn’t it strange how some things move us and stay with us throughout our lives? They leave an “imprint” on us. What stories you must have and how fascinating this is. This post is universal and your saying this:
I also know that LOVE is LOVE, it transcends all, it’s something universal that each of us understands.
Amen, my sister. So true. I loved this profound and loving post. This may be my favorite one of yours. Thank you for sharing this, the imprint you have on you.
Thanks Brigitte! I got the paragraph issue sorted. This post has taken me all morning to write and I’m feeling frazzled. It’s a story that I’ve been meaning to write for a while but didn’t know how to condense it.
I actually wrote to Oprah many years ago, hoping that she wold help me find Violet. I never got a response back : (
It’s a beautiful lesson for all of us, especially the people that don’t think we retain any memories as children. Obviously we do. Thanks for loving this post Brig, that means a lot to me.
Wow, that is touching, Lisa. Don’t know what to say, but it’s actually quite cute as well.
Thanks, NBI. It’s an interesting thing, how we retain that emotional bond, right?
It is! That’s really special. I think it’s a good thing, for you won’t be a racist I guess :). Especially not because of your emotional bonding.
And that’s a good thing.
But after all, I don’t think you could be a racist. So ignore all these babblings :).
hahaha! That’s sort of funny. I know what you’re trying to say. : )
I really do love Violet’s face. And it looks like she kept you nice and chunky. Haha. You’ll definitely see Violet on the other side. I wish I could’ve known her!
haha! Yeah, of course you would notice that instead of my abundant beauty. What’s not to love, right?
Grippy,
When I first started reading this, I thought it was a fictitious essay, until I realized it was indeed your story. I can only thank you for sharing this. The feelings you evoke of your memories are touching.
L’Éric
Thanks kind Eric. When you look back at your life you realize it actually has been quite gripping – and I mean that for all of us. xo
Of course you’ll see her!! She waits there for you, we both know that. What a lovely story of your life–I love that you trust all of us enough to gather us together and tell us the tales of Grippy. They quite often make my day.
PS Lily is right–you were quite the cute baby, well fed and very content looking. All babies should have a Violet in their lives. I think you and I were that person to our own little ones–at least I would like to think I am, and, I’m pretty sure you are, too.
Yeah, I think we definitely are. It just goes to show you that we really do retain memory even before we can talk. It must be very deep and sacred in a way… When my eyes well up, it’s not an, “Oh no!” feeling but more of an, “Ahhh…” feeling.
Oh, and those are the best tears!! Do you know what happened to her??
No. I even wrote to Oprah hoping she would help me find her. It seemed like her kind of story but I never got a response.
Oh Lis, this is so sweet and so touching. I would love to hear more about your time in South Africa. This made me think of the book The Help. You were an awfully cute baby! Thank you for sharing. xo
Thanks, Mags. It’s an unusual story, that’s for sure. I could have explained further all the ways in which it manifests itself but I wanted to keep it short. I was thinking of “The Help” as well when I wrote this. That’s probably why I loved that book so much. It just goes to show you how we really do hold on to memories – ones that we aren’t even aware of. Thanks for the cute baby comp! haha! xoxox
At a year and four months, our youngest grandchild is bonding similarly with our friend/housekeeper. She only says a few words as yet – but most of them are Zulu!
Actually, though, Violet looks more Xhosa than Zulu to me, I don’t suppose you would remember if she had explosive clicks in her mother tongue? Zulu ones are generally softer.
Ah ha! Yes! She was Xhosa. She had clicks. Thank you for solving the mystery. I was hoping you would read this post and help me identify her native decent. ( I think I’ll go ahead and edit that.)
How wonderful for your grandchild. It’s a very strong and sweet bond that’s created and I think that bond serves the world well.
That’s quite the varied background you have, Lisa!
A nice post.
hahah! I know, right? It’s always been a nice anecdote when there’s a lull at a social gathering. (Just kidding!)
Lisa your life is so unusual! How about that? (For some reason Violet looks sooo familiar to me.) I hope someday you can find her! Maybe there’s a way you could trace her online? This was a wonderful story and sad too. It’s fascinating to think how powerful our very first experiences of love are. They shape our whole lives.
haha! I’m really starting to flesh myself out here, huh? The more I recount pieces of my life the more I realize, I really did have a gripping life. : ) I think we all do.
I wrote to Oprah Winfrey many years ago hoping that she might be interested in helping me find Violet. I never got a response, though. It seemed like a story she would like. When the book, “The Help,” came out, I loved it, probably because I could really relate. I don’t think we realize how impressionable we are – even as infants. We retain so much more than we know, holding onto memories and early feelings that we’re not even aware of. Yeah, you’re right. I think those first experiences are powerful enough to shape our life.
Also, funny how she looks familiar, isn’t it? hmmm……
Lisa(this post is too wonderful not to use your name)
You know someone commented on my blog recently “thank you for sharing a slice of your life”. And I thought why are you thanking me and why would you really want to hear me ramble insignificantly. BUT then I read this wonderful loving post– and I think wow, I really love hearing and feeling life– your slice of life. (yours was not a ramble..mine was)
I was very moved by :”I know that our first few years of life are precious and that WE DO leave an indelible impression on those we care for. I also know that LOVE is LOVE, it transcends all.” — it hit me with a range of emotions –made me happy for you and sad for me because you are oh so painfully wonderfully right.
I hope you write more like this.. you are one hell of a writer/story teller. (and interesting and insightful.. I could go on but I’ll stop here)
this comment is rambling.. Lord I have had a long day
Audra
Audra, you my friend, are incredibly sweet and thoughtful. I think you’re comment is more moving than my post! haha! I’ve been sitting on this one for quite awhile.
I was telling Eric that when we look back on our lives, they really are quite gripping. There’s so much to learn from our brief mortal experiences. It’s so easy to live superficially and never think about the deeper meaning available to us. In this situation I couldn’t help but look deeper. I wouldn’t trade my understanding of this for anything. It’s made my life richer.
Thanks for being so open and receptive to the message. xoxox
You had Violet and I had Sally…Sally cared for my brother and I while Mom worked until we went to school then she always remained part of the family. I love that woman..your memories are so wonderful and beautiful you make me cry.. It just proves racism is taught by examples we are raised around. You were raised with love.. we are lucky women indeed..
I love this story 🙂
Aww… thanks Lynne. Sally is a woman who had the sweet blessing of shaping your young life, and look what a beautiful, rich life you’ve had. Both women made a lasting impression on our lives – I know there’s a specific purpose for such lessons. I’m happy that we’re both able to see and feel the truth in that.
Yup, we’re lucky indeed… xoxox
Racism would come to a screeching halt if everyone could have an experience like ours. What a loving world it would be : )
So very true.. I watched this film called “Motherland” about the strength and love of African women who have suffered loss in their life..They have much to teach us Western women:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/250191
Oh, good recommend. I’ll watch it.
LIsa, thank you once again for writing an incredible post and sharing another bit of your soul with us…we love you.
Be encouraged!
Thanks Stephen. I’m glad you enjoyed it. It’s always easy to share with good people.
Love you, too. xoxo
Lisa
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This was beautiful, Lisa. It shows a real depth of your character that you wonder what you’re supposed to do with these feelings and this experience. Just know that you’ve done something special with them by sharing this story.
Emily, you always have something soulful and wise to say. I love your comments as much as I love your posts. Thanks for being so thoughtful and always going deep.
Being nurtured builds a bond that is impossible to separate; even in distance. That overwhelming feeling that brought you to tears was that bond being renewed. It reminded you what you thought you had forgotten. The chamber of your heart that introduced you to love. Aren’t you glad you are able to be overwhelmed by such emotions? Aren’t you happy you are able to feel so deeply, that your body couldn’t contain your enjoy. We have something in common; I love African women too and we both was nurtured from birth by one. I get that feeling every time I look into the eyes of my mother. This piece is beautiful….and it brought out the beauty in you!!!! Thanks for sharing!!!!
Yes! The feeling is overwhelming. I’m VERY happy that I can feel so deeply. I can’t imagine how awful life would be without emotion.
Thanks for your very thoughtful and kind comment. : )
That’s so interesting. And sweet! I agree, you were a cutie pie.
Thanks, Jells. I never understood why I got so emotional, it was so weird, and then I pieced it together. It’s kind of cool that as infants we’re so impressionable.
Thanks for the cutie comment – Lily didn’t even know that was me! Haha!
Do her baby pics look like your baby pics at all?
No, not really. She and Eebs actually look more alike. haha!
You certainly do live a gripping life whether you think it or not.
I’m starting to come to the conclusion that we all, to some degree, live a gripping life. Thanks for the comment – as usual, you’re always very thoughtful, Tim.
I was going to try to relate with my babysitter but it wouldn’t compare. I think I like women with the same as I describe it “Clint Eastwood nose” that she had. I feel safe around those sweet slightly pointed upward noses.
It’s amazing how we bond with physical features. I guess we can be traumatized the same way – probably why most of us are repelled by clowns and Santa Claus type men.
Hahaha oh my those men are the worst.
Very powerful! I think that the memories of very young children are too easily dismissed, when for some of us (often “artistic souls”) those memories are indeed almost cellular. I can relate, but will spare the details… this was a very moving piece. Thanks for sharing.
PS) by any chance did you read the amazing NYTimes piece on nannies a few weeks ago… a photography journal story. It was really powerful, and touched on some of what you address here.
I missed that! I’ll have to find it. The book, “The Help” brought up some of these issues, too.
The Help was amazing on so many levels! I imagine it would really touch you, given the circumstances. Here’s the link to the photos… the stories in there somewhere too. May be hard for you to read, frankly. I found it very powerful, from the nature/nurture perspective. http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2012/07/13/magazine/15nannies-storybook.html#
Thanks for sharing that. You’re right, it’s very powerful. I like the way they showed both sides. It takes a special kind of person to assume that role of 2nd mother, for lack of a better description. It’s vey heavy and deep. I think, in order to be a nanny, you have to have that maternal instinct in spades. That’s where that bond is felt. It’s about total trust for all, child, mother and nanny. Amazing!
Thanks again, I loved this.
Thanks, so much. I never understood why I became so overwhelmed with emotion when I’d see a photo of Violet. It wasn’t until I was a young adult that I started piecing it together. Now it all makes sense. I kept this post short but I definitely see it manifested in lots of ways. I’d love to know your story… yes, there’s something about an “artistic soul,” that heightened sensitivity to things carried deep inside…
I’m glad you enjoyed this : )
Do you have any idea what happened to Violet?
No, I wish I did. I actually wrote to Oprah, hoping she would help me find her. It sounded like the kind of story she would love, but I never got a response. I have no idea if she’s still alive? It’s sort of a fantasy of mine to be reunited with her. I know, it sounds crazy.