Emotional Safety
Therapeutic Thursday
This is a last minute offering. Just some things to think about. No need to comment if you don’t feel like it.
What is emotional safety?
When we feel emotionally safe we feel free to be our authentic self without fear of judgment. We are emotionally safe when we feel loved without condition.
What are some things people fear emotionally?
Those of us who grew up in dysfunction and closed family systems often fear…
Judgment
Criticism
Ridicule and put downs
The feeling of not being good enough
Unspoken and covert rules
Complaints
Rejection
Abandonment
Other people’s expectations
Making mistakes or having accidents (no forgiveness)
Comparisons
Threats
Aggressive behavior
Unpredictable or unstable behavior
Unhealthy / inappropriate boundaries (a feeling that your self does not belong to you)
Emotional safety includes…
Freedom to be your authentic self without judgment
Freedom to express your real feelings without consequence
Freedom to set your boundaries – to say “no thanks”
Freedom to change your mind
Freedom to practice self-care
Freedom to make mistakes and be forgiven
Receiving and giving unconditional love
Total acceptance, understanding, compassion, and sensitivity
Ask yourself,
Do I provide emotional safety in my relationships? Who do I feel emotionally safe with?
So much to think about. Do you think it’s important that emotional safety is always there though? I think it’s important we venture out and get kicked around a bit sometimes. Maybe the best emotional safety is to feel so comfortable in being uncomfortable?
That’s an interesting question. I think it’s a given that we’ll get into relationships with emotionally unsafe people, throughout our lives. “Hurt people, hurt people” we can’t avoid them, it will happen whether we look for them or not. Someone who gets into hurtful relationships over and over again is probably not very healthy, likely co-dependent, has poor boundaries, low self-esteem and grew up with an emotionally unsafe family of origin/environment. If you go out looking to get kicked around you might want to see if you’re looking for something that feels familiar. It won’t toughen you up it will just cause you to dislike yourself even more.
I think the key to healthy relationships is to become self-aware, self-accepting, assertive, practicing healthy boundaries, etc. Hopefully if you create emotional safety for others they will respond the same way toward you. Don’t settle for less. (As I did) As corny as it is, sometimes you have to talk about these things to make sure you’re on the same page.
Hmmm I probably forgot the whole “relationship” part of this when I commented. I was thinking more in terms of sometimes it’s important you get an opinion from someone you’re not sure will spare your feelings. Relationships? Yes I think you should get rid of people who don’t let you feel safe.
I don’t think that’s corny at all. Talking about things rarely if ever makes matters like this worse.
The healthier and less ego ruled you are, the less impact opinionated/unsafe people will have on your life. Some people are really good at letting things roll off their back. They take nothing personally. They don’t give their power away. I guess you’d call them healthy. And some people would curl up in the fetal position if they tangled with someone unsafe. It just depends how evolved you are.
Lisa, your posts always make me feel better. I’ve felt many of those things on your list of not feeling emotionally safe. I think some of that may come from seeking people out who are emotionally distant. I think everyone experiences this growing up from family members, friends, people we’ve deemed as role models — for whatever reason and some experience it “worse” and for longer periods of time. It’s cutting those emotional ties to the people who just aren’t willing to give but take ALOT. I hope I give that in my relationships now but maybe I didn’t always.
That emotional safety you describe, I do have that with my husband and its a very “safe” feeling but I did have to go through some tough lessons before he showed up. It was worth every bit of it — the time and the hard knocks.
I hope that you are feeling safe and loved. Thank you for these — I look forward to them every week! Xoxoxo
Great comment, Brig. I totally agree with you. When I was young I was probably living a more sub-conscious life, getting pulled to the wrong people and not making the connection. Live and learn. Now I feel keenly aware of emotional safety issues. I get very uneasy if I sense somebody has that potential. Red flags and sirens go off!
I look forward to the day that I have someone safe to share my life with. No one is perfect but having someone in your life who loves you unconditionally is a must.
I always feel safe with you, Brigitte. I absolutely do. Thanks for that. 🙂
Xoxox!
This is an enormous theme in my life right now as well. Time to cull those who leave us unsafe.
Yes to that! I have been surrounded by unsafe people my whole life. (family)
From here on out I want to nurture relationships that provide unconditional love. We deserve to feel emotionally safe.
Hold tight to that commitment to self. Those people are out there. If it means fewer relationships of much higher quality, then so be it. ((hugs))
Thanks for always validating and totally getting me and understanding what I write. Your comments always feel like a hug. Right back to you, my friend. 🙂
There are so, so many things I want for C, but one of the big ones is that she always feels safe and open in her relationship with my husband and me. Sometimes I’m scared that I will unintentionally seal her off and not be the person she needs me to be for her. Even parents with the best intentions fail; I just hope I don’t fail on this one. Parenting is such a tall order. Sometimes I don’t know how you did it so well.
Parenting is a tall order, you got that right. We all make mistakes, that’s a given. If I had to say one thing to look out for, something that sneaks in, even when we are diligent, it’s repeating the patterns of our parents- not the good ones, obviously, but the little sub-conscious things like pushing for perfection or worrying about what other people will think, etc. I have yet to meet a mom that doesn’t have to bite her tongue when her child is not living up to expectations. It’s WAY subtle but as parents we carry ideas with us. It’s hard to be hands off, loving and accepting when our kids say and do crazy things that fly in the face of what we want them to be. If you can achieve it, creating total acceptance and providing unconditional love and trust, if you can make home a safe haven, your kids will always come to you. They’ll always seek you out during those moments when they’re unsure. That bond is worth everything. Emily, I have NO DOUBT that you and Cee will always be close. You’ll have that bond in spades. I know you and it could never be any other way. No worries. Sit back and enjoy the crazy mommy ride. There’s nothing better. Xoxo
How do you know my brain? 😉 That is my exact fear, that I’ll repeat all the tiny things that my parents – however wonderful they were – did with me. Like not explaining serious things when they were clearly bothering me, etc. Parenting requires constant vigilance of both oneself and the child, and re-calibration when things aren’t working, and it’s so hard to break the cycles.
I’d say I’m one big fat mess.(as you know)
I love Therapy Thursday Lisa.
Ummm…. I hardly think that’s true, Audra. You have wonderfully healthy qualities and your earlier experiences have only made you that much more sensitive and compassionate. Anyone who is in a relationship with you is all the better for it. That includes me, sister. Xoxo
(thank you)
I think this most importantly refers to the relationship people have with themselves.
Getting that support from others is great, but the person has to be willing to step up and be themselves.
Good point. If you’re true to yourself, always striving to be authentic, hopefully you’ll attract like people. If you have low self-esteem and have been raised with unsafe people, you’ll likely seek out the same in your relationships. As we get older, we hopefully become more aware of our self-worth and look for relationships that foster/ nurture our authentic selves. Thanks, Guapo!
Lisa, I’m really enjoying these posts.Thanks for doing them. You ask very good questions.
I’m glad you like them, Amy. This one came in under the wire! Sometimes it’s just good to stir the pot a little and get people thinking, or, better yet, feeling. 🙂
I look forward to Thursdays in order to read your thoughts and advice. I see myself in the first group of characteristics, and I hope I can provide some of the second group for anyone in my life. I know with my children, I tended to think, WWSPD (What Would Surviving Parent Do) and do the opposite. It’s worked so far.
Thanks for giving us this, Lisa. I’m sure it is painful for you at times, and, the fact you are willing to move past that to help others speaks volumes for your soul.
This is actually my oxygen. It’s not painful, it soothes me because it makes order out of emotional chaos.
I think when we’re young we live very unconsciously and get pulled to the wrong people, those who will duplicate familiar patterns. It’s not until we’ve been wounded enough that we start to realize it’s okay to look for safer people. We put boundaries in place and can start to trust again. We need to be honest and open and take emotional risks in order to attract the right people. We need to offer safety, too.
Dishonesty and mistrust will perpetuate old patterns.
As always, well put. I’m glad this is something you do that provides order in chaos. Really, really glad. As my little blurb today said, “….if it weren’t for your so-called issues, problems, and challenges, there’d be no other way you could become even happier, cooler, and more enlightened than you have ever been before.”
That’s so true. It’s only in the context of a relationship that we can grow emotionally and spiritually. Sometimes I’d love to hide out (very much how I’m feeling now) but I recognize that I have to put myself out there again if I’m to achieve more understanding. Too bad we can’t just get it from a self help book! hah!
Your timing was perfect – this has been on my mind today. Thanks for expressing it so well.
Thanks, Diane! It’s a good topic and one that deserves to be examined from time to time.
Beautiful. I think in a lot of ways I became sort of an outrageous person so that I could have room to be what I was. I had all of those emotional fears you mentioned. I don’t think so much because of my parents. You may recall me speaking of suffering from an illness in adolescence that made me very skinny. I started failing in my special progress classes and suffered low self esteem. My parents’ part is that they were too young to know exactly how to steer it all. The boys teased me relentlessly, some of the girls too, but not as much. I felt so beat down by it all — the illness, the teasing. When I got better and blossomed I found myself and became stronger but became an alcoholic probably to deal with all those feelings from the past. Sorry for my mini-post in your comments section! I’m forwarding this one to my sister too!
Wow, good insights, Sandee. It makes sense that your pendulum would swing far to one side, especially when you consider the age at which your trauma took place. When we’re in adolescence everything seems so exaggerated – your defenses, outrageous as they may be, felt like the right protection. The alcohol provided you with a predictable relationship, because it was cemented in your head that relationships with people are hurtful and unreliable. Alcohol is always predictable. Addicts always move away from relationships with people (hurt) to relationships with objects (predictable). That’s when they can feel their feelings safely.
It’s funny because one of the main reasons I’m attracted to your personality is because I sense there’s this kid inside. It’s genuine, vulnerable and refreshing, and now I know the story of where she comes from. Sometimes it’s the challenges and stumbling blocks that create the most beautiful people. That’s you, my friend. Xoxo
Thank you Lisa! Your comment is even really helpful to me and I appreciate the nice things you said. It never occurred to me that maybe people have relationships with objects because they’re safer. Wow!
I would say that I don’t like when people give me criticisms or ridicule me or put me down, but I wouldn’t say that I “fear” it. There’s a difference right? lol…now I’m scared that I’m emotionally unsafe…haha
haha! I wouldn’t say you “fear” it either. I’d say you have a strong reaction to it, though. (no one likes to be ridiculed.) Maybe your reaction is helpful right now and protects you from those who you feel would hurt you. (people driven by their unconscious ego can hurt others unintentionally, too.) Eventually, as your self esteem gets stronger, you won’t respond like that because you won’t take it personally – you’ll see that criticisms and ridicule are more a comment about the other person than they are about you. That stuff will roll off your back.
I think the trick is to always be aware of people and situations that are emotionally unsafe. I think you see people very accurately. 🙂
tanks mommy
It’s definitely something you have to learn. I mean, mostly. Everyone gets insulted in his life I think, and for that I too did not feel very emotionally safe. When you’re like 12 it’s hard to be who you really are, especially when you feel like others don’t really accept that.
But I believe some good friends can really change you for the better and make you feel safe enough to be who you are, without covering it up and stuff :).
I agree. You have to be willing to take emotional risks in this life. We need to be open and trusting and vulnerable to a degree in order to have intimate connections with people. It’s when we get hurt that we slowly retreat and put less of ourselves out there. It’s a fine line. No one wants to get hurt but it’s inevitable that it will happen during our lifetime. I guess the thing to remember is that there are healthy ways to take care of yourself (protection) without going into hiding or altering yourself so that you are no longer authentic.
It’s a process that takes many years. I don’t think we can possibly understand emotional safety issues until we’ve lived a little.
Great post Lisa.. I agree with El Guapo.. When we start to respect, love and set standards for what is/is not acceptable in our lives then most of those emotional pitfalls will not affect us. Not to say that we will not encounter them, I think we will be better equipped to handle them should they arise.
I am the first to admit to having areas that will most likely always need some work, hence I am vulnerable to those emotional hazards..
All I can do is keep marching forward and maybe one day I can breathe easy..
I agree. It’s primarily an ‘inside job.’ The relationship we have with ourselves is a reflection of the relationships we have with others. True. Unfortunately, some of us move into adulthood still carrying the bags around from our dysfunctional families. It’s difficult to respect and love yourself when your earlier experiences make you feel otherwise.
It’s a process. People tend to make it into a black and white issue and it’s not. Eckhart Tolle warns, “At times you may have to take practical steps to protect yourself from deeply unconscious people.” I don’t think when we’re young and making important decisions that we’re equipped to handle and process this type of person. We’re not even aware of our own stuff, much less someone else’s baggage. So we get hurt. Eventually, as we evolve and become more enlightened (obviously some of us don’t…) we start to understand that we can take care of ourselves (“respect, love, and set standards…”) without forfeiting trust, openness, vulnerability and authenticity.
I don’t ever want to be a guarded, suspicious, frightened person – I refuse. I’m going to try and keep taking emotional risks. Lynne, I feel you and I have a sturdy foundation of wisdom and strength from which we continue to build.
I think we’re similar, in that we have the tendency to assume nobility in all people. We tend to elevate people, seeing their potential before they even see it in themselves. It’s pretty high level thinking and indicates a certain spiritual intelligence. It’s a blessing but also the cause of some of our pain. Does that make sense? I also think it’s what makes you so beautiful. xoxox
Great post, lady! I’m lucky to feel emotionally safe right this minute, but this might be the first time I’ve had such security. Coming from a sometimes tumultuous family taught me bad habits in terms of relationships. Took the right guy and a lot of work to un-do them.
Thanks, Tori! I attribute your current state of security to the fact that you’re emotionally intelligent, self-aware and open to re-working issues from your “tumultuous family.” You’re very insightful, that I know. I’m happy that you found the right guy to take the ride with. It makes life so much sweeter. 🙂
This is nice Grippy. It’s interesting to look at how I act around certain people or in certain situations and how other people do too. There is so much to learn from what few words you listed above. Thank you.
A little self-awareness goes a long way. Thanks, Jon!
I must be lucky because i have always felt emotionally safe, never had any problem with people even if they did give me some criticism or ridicule, i will look at what they said and act on it.
If i think they were wrong i would make sure that i told them and look at their attitude to people.
You sound like you’re very healthy, Harry. It’s good to be assertive and express your needs and also to confront people when they rub you the wrong way. It also sounds like you have a good group of people that you surround yourself with – no one interested in taking jabs at you. That’s one less thing you have to worry about. That’s a blessing.
I have friends but i’m also a very private person. I don’t discuss my feelings or worries with anyone i sort them myself.
I know people who discuss their problems with people and i feel that giving information to others/friends they have something to hit you with at a later time.
My outlook on life has always been the same and i think thats the reason that i don’t let things worry me.
I think some emotional safety depends on one’s own security in a feeling of self-worth, even when beset by people who are not geared to provide the sort of support described. People who are screwed up, but with whom one still has a valued friendship or familial relationship.
This is a far more stable form than the one that depends on the actions of others.
You’re exactly right. The relationship we have with ourself reflects the relationship we have with others. If you have healthy self-esteem your less likely to be effected by the list of unsafe behaviors. The problem is, there are a lot of people with poor self-esteem that either inflict pain onto others and, or, are the recipients of that toxic behavior. “Hurt people, hurt people.” I think this is very true.
That pattern is a vicious circle, indeed.
Wow. That’s a thinker. Only, I fear the only person I feel emotionally safe with is myself, but sometimes she’s pretty judgmental, even to me. I think you have just given me a list of things to be more mindful of. That is a thinker.
I think we all have an inner judge who’s hard to get rid of. It is a thinker! It’s difficult to take emotional risks and make yourself vulnerable and open in a relationship when you’re afraid to get hurt. I guess the answer is to learn ways to detect emotionally unsafe people and then walk away or keep your distance. That’s what boundaries are for. Being emotionally healthy is hard work! haha!
Thanks for your comment, Katie!!
Hey, interesting post. I am lucky enough to have been parented pretty well and to not have had any major traumas in my life. I am far from a perfect parent, but I do try very hard to provide that feeling of safety and comfort. I can be critical if I don’t feel like my children are working/trying hard enough though. My partner didn’t come from good parenting – absent navy father, traumatic divorce, non-coping mother etc. I think it’s harder for him.
You’re very lucky, Sara, and so are your children. It makes a huge difference that you had good parents, especially when you consider how these issues are multi-generational. As long as you are aware and know the difference between what an emotionally safe and unsafe environment looks and feels like, things will be fine. Maybe your husband, in the process of watching your parenting techniques, will be able to come to some greater understanding with regard to what was missing in his own childhood. It’s very hard, I know. Maybe he’ll be able to duplicate your style with the kids? Just keep communication open and your family will stay emotionally healthy. 🙂
Great comment.
I feel this is too deep for a caveman such as myself… I reckon blogging has helped me get in touch with my authentic self (no dirty innuendo’s intended), getting approval from people that didn’t know me. There’s probably only a handful of people I’m emotionally safe with and I can open up with fully in the real world, people that really know me and accept my short comings. (for which there are many)
I’ve read many things you’ve written, so I happen to know that you’re no caveman, Pete. Hardly. You’re not a difficult person to love. Everyone has their stuff that they need to work on, but from what I can tell, a mountain of short comings couldn’t diminish the person I know you to be. Anyway, if someone made you feel unsafe I’m sure you’d crush them with your bare hands. 🙂
xoxo
Ya see this is why blogging has helped me, because of people like you 🙂
aww… likewise.
Such a good, interesting and thought-provoking post. Thank you love. I’m on a self-care timeout holiday for a week. I needed to get away for time on my own after the grueling recovery from surgery. People at home are just as fed-up with it as I am. X
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Ach! I hate that you went through anything grueling. Just hate it. Take good care of yourself, Charlene. Be extra kind. No pressure of any sort. I’m thinking of you. 🙂
Emotional safety is always an interesting topic – so many of us don’t recognize the unhealthy people in our life. We just accept what they dish out and make accommodations for them. I do think it can lead to physical illness. I’ve seen my own health deteriorate with too much stress.
Take all the time you need, beautiful lady. You’re in my prayers. xoxox
As you are in mine love x
I have to tell you…this post nailed so MUCH for me! I’m linking it in my blog today as its been riding on my brain since you wrote it. It is such a pain to log in, type password, email, comment on my dum tiny phone…I read the blogs and have a hard time with the stupid keyboard, and loading and pain in the ass way of doing this through my not so smart phone…it takes almost 15 minutes sometimes so I skip it. Then I don’t get on my laptop sometimes….its dum. SO – wanted you to know this post rocked my world.
Aww.. Judy, thank you so much. I do these posts as much for myself as anyone else. It’s so easy to forget about some of this stuff. I think it’s good to stir the pot occasionally and see what comes up. I feel like some of this could be preventative, like a dental check-up. Get it taken care of before it turns nasty and causes real problems, ya know.
Thanks for re-blogging!! You’re the best!!
Lisa
xoxo
it was wonderful!!! And I totally agree with you about the dentist idea!!! Just work it…git er done….git over it. It ain’t no big thang…but standing and waiting and blaming is where things go bad. You are wonderful.
Thanks, my love!!! The feeling is mutual. xoxo
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Reblogging this cuz it rocked my world, and we all need that once in a while. And it caused a blog to come out of me…hehe.
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Great post! Glad I stumbled upon. After much hard work, I am aware ‘now’ that those freedoms can be mine….too! I’m basking in the awareness because I know that awareness ignites the motivation and desire to incorporate change. However, at 51, I feel like a foal taking its first wobbly steps.
Hey, 51 is just a baby in the big picture called eternity! 🙂 Better now, than never. You’re right about it hinging on awareness. Without awareness we have no chance of making needed changes. I think where you are is great! Yes, you’re right, those freedoms are yours for the taking and it’s much easier than you think.
You’re a worthwhile, valuable and lovable person. Start by knowing that – I mean really KNOW that. Once you accept that as the truth, it’ll be easier to make choices that are kind and loving. Not only is it okay to love yourself, but it is a pre-requisite for living a healthy and happy life. From that point you can help others.
I’m glad you stumbled on this post, as well. 🙂
I’m 50 and like you, continue to learn and grow and evolve. It’s nice to be able to root for each other, especially when we’re making big positive changes.
Have a beautiful day, Iceman!!
Lisa
Well, I’m rooting for you too Lisa! And, thank you for the kind and thoughtful words.
I read your reply below, about using “I feel”, “I need”. And, the fact that you can “try” telling the other person, who responds negatively, how you feel. UGH and SIGH on that one. Often, after telling my wife something, she would respond back with “what you are saying”, or, “what you mean”…and then proceed with her own version. When I would then respond back with “No. I said what I mean…or, I explained how I feel” the look on her face was either dismissive or bewilderment, as was her response that followed. The conversation end, we would part, unresolved, inconclusive or both feeling not heard. Until the next time, which would often be ‘rinse and repeat’.
I look forward to following your blog. And, thanks for checking out my blog too!
Peace
You just described my family. I’d say how I was feeling and my mother would literally respond with, “Oh, you don’t feel that way.” gee, thanks mom for letting me have my feelings! sheesh. No wonder I became a therapist!
Hang in there, you sound pretty healthy to me. Keep going 🙂
Your description helps me realize that I don’t feel emotionally safe. And if I don’t feel emotionally safe, am I preventing my son from feeling so? Lots to think about. I want us both to feel free and authentic.
I’m so glad you commented. If you have the awareness you can start implementing small changes that will help you in your effort to become more authentic. Nothing will bring you greater balance and peace than living an authentic life. Work on practicing assertive communication – use “I feel” and “I need” statements when you verbalize your needs. You’re entitled to your feelings. Be aware of negative self messages and try to replace them with more positive ones, things that are self-affirming.
If there are people in your life that are negative, critical, judgmental, etc. you can try and tell them how it makes you feel and ask them to stop. You can also slowly start making changes in your relationships – not easy but sometimes necessary for people who won’t support your efforts.
Anyway, those are some good places to start. Awareness is everything. Be kind to yourself, love yourself, and you’ll start to see changes. 🙂
Lisa
What’s Happening i’m new to this, I stumbled upon this I have found It absolutely helpful
and it has aided me out loads. I’m hoping to contribute & assist different users like its aided me. Great job.
I’m impressed, I must say. Rarely do I encounter a blog that’s equally
educative and entertaining, and without a doubt, you have hit the nail on the head.
The problem is something too few folks are speaking intelligently about.
Now i’m very happy that I found this during my hunt for something concerning this.
You write so well, with sensitivity and thought. Loving it girl 🙂 On Jul 27, 2013 6:57 AM, “A Gripping Life” wrote:
> ** > google referencement site commented: “I’m impressed, I must say. Rarely > do I encounter a blog that’s equally educative and entertaining, and > without a doubt, you have hit the nail on the head. The problem is > something too few folks are speaking intelligently about. Now i’m very > happy that”
You’re a sweetheart, Charlene. I’ve been taking some time off, both in writing and reading but I hope to be back soon. I hope you’re doing well. I have some catching up to do. Did I imagine this or are you traveling again? Maybe it was a post from your last trip to England? As you can see, I need to set aside time and get back on track with the lives of my blogging friends.
Thanks for checking in. It’s always good to see your beautiful smiling face. 🙂
Love and hugs,
Lisa
xoxo
Lisa, I went on Part 2 of The Roar Tour in April, for 42 days! London for a week, Tuscany 1 week with an old school friend. Rest of Italy alone for 3 weeks, Ireland with family for 4 days, then toured for 5 days, Cotswolds for 5 days and home. Absolutely amazing!
I’ve been crafting up a storm since coming home in May.
I need to be more disciplined with my blog too. XxxX
I’m so jealous!!! I knew you were on the move but I had no idea it was so extensive. One day maybe you’ll come to the USA for a visit? I would love to meet you face to face. Wouldn’t that be fun? I wish travel wasn’t so expensive. Anyway, I’m glad one of us is a globe trotter! I couldn’t be happier for you, Charlene. 🙂
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Thanks love, but it took 54 years to realise my dream! I had to go alone due to circumstances. It was also because of my very bad accident 7 years and 3 days ago, and the payout I got, that I could go at all! My Silver lining! 🙂