I drove to the storage unit this morning to look for some documentation that I had packed away. I packed it because I didn’t think I’d need it in my new life in California, at least not right away. As I drove up to the metal gates it occurred to me that I had forgotten the code to get in. I tried several times with no luck. So, I turned the car around and as I was driving away, I remembered it. Typical. Back I went. Once in, I located unit 708 and pulled in front of it. I noticed that the down spout next to the door, now has a block of ice spilling from it, like a frozen waterfall. The last time I was there, my son and I were sweating and couldn’t get cool enough – it’s hard work packing, moving and lifting all those boxes. They’re heavy, all of them. Very heavy.
As I stood there in the bitter cold looking at our mountain of carefully labeled boxes I started to cry. Kitchen. Books. Lily. Bedroom. Closet. Office. Spencer. Christmas. Neil. Living Room. Lisa. Fragile. Fragile. Fragile. Fragile. Fragile….
I didn’t find what I was looking for. How could I? It was just a piece of paper.
As a child, I related to Petula Clark’s song, “My Love,” and Diana Ross’s, “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough.” My wedding song was Ben E. King’s, “Stand by Me.” I’m a believer, an optimist. My faith in good things, including all people, is child-like and unshakable. I love and hope so completely, that I could go on forever, waiting and believing. It’s just who I am. I don’t know how to be any other way. I really don’t. All the messages of my childhood, whether heard from the radio, watched on TV, or taught in a classroom, reinforced the idea that being strong, loyal, patient and loving was good and right.
Today, I’m feeling broken at my core. I’ll never be the same trusting, vulnerable person again. It’s a shame because I liked being that girl, and now she’s gone. Something about being reduced down to a pile of boxes, feeling rejected, and unloved, after a lifetime of trying to move mountains, and years of trying to create a beautiful life for my family, has caused a significant tremor in my heart. Maybe I wouldn’t feel this way if I simply hadn’t tried, if I had given up and walked away? What’s the good of being strong if when you fall, you fall so hard that you break into pieces? All that hope and believing, was it for naught? (No need to comment if you don’t want to – I know how all of you feel and I love you for it.)
Hi :Lisa, You know Susie and I will be here for you no matter what. Sometimes (not all the time) it is good to have these “breaking” moments. We need those instances when we just let go, when the walls don’t have to be up, and we don’t have anything to prove. But we all know there is a time to move on…and just as we all know there is a time, only each one of us individually know when that time is.
A cartoon artist writes the text then draws the bubble…make sure you don’t draw the bubble first…let the emotions flow…the bubble can come later.
Much love and many blessings from Susie, the Gang of 5, & me.
Thanks, Stephen and Susie. I’m just feeling my feelings and then scrawling them down – not sure why…? I know how you guys feel and I’m thankful for your tender hearts. xoxo
We think you’re pretty cool too…be encouraged!
Lisa, it won’t do any good for me to let you know that I’ve dug my life out of some of those storage spaces, picking, choosing, separating and trying to make some sense out of something that is so bewildering. And it will be that way for a time. Bewildering, numbing and it doesn’t make any sense. But it will over time. You’ll go through the motions and you’ll have some new boxes of experiences and life — YOURS — the incredible person that you are, with your childlike, unshakable, optimist view of people and of life. That girl is still there. Any person that can write and inspire the way you do, despite the enormous burden you have right now, is a force to be reckoned with.
That outlook you have is priceless and you’ll feel it again as you maneuver through all the bumps, twists and turns of this journey. You’ll become stronger than you can imagine right now. This is a blip in eternity — a very painful to the core kind of one and certainly not anything to be taken lightly — but it’s a stepping stone to your future, where your life is going to lead you, where you’ll discover things about yourself that you never knew. Things that no one can ever touch or take away from you.
It’s those pieces, those cracks that let the light in. You’ve already got a beautiful light. I promise it’s going to shine even more. I know it. You may feel fragile, fragile, fragile but you are immensely strong. When that realization slides over and into you, and it will, there is no stopping that kind of brilliant light.
Much, much love to you my friend.
Oh Brig, you are a gift to me. Thank you, my sweet friend, for seeing and describing the light, which to me, at this moment, looks awfully dim. I’m just going through the motions, I suppose. I hate all the spontaneous tearful moments. My mind is like a land mine, right now. I feel like I have to be careful where I let myself wander. It’s zapping me of my energy and making me incredibly tired. I’ll get through it. I will. 🙂
Love and Hugs xoxo
A beautiful song…..but it’s ok to cry, too. 🙂
This song has always made me cry. There’s something sad about a person trying to be stoic. I guess that’s why they use it in romantic movies… His tender voice quality only makes me more sad.
Awww cyber Mommy it usually never makes me sad when other people are sad but this actually does. You’re always there for everybody else and making us feel cared for and loved it breaks my heart to see you this way.
There’s not much I can say other than try to look toward the future. I know it may look like it’s not headed anywhere good but I know you’re strong enough to direct it that way. Remember that you are loved and cared about. There is hope and I believe in you.
What’s good about being strong when you fall hard? It’s the strength that’s good. I admire you and everything you have managed to do with your life so far and know you have a lot more ahead of you. I hope you can find something to make you smile today and every day thereafter.
My cyber son, Tim, you never fail to say the kindest things. I don’t want to make anyone sad and I sure don’t want to dump my emotional burden on other people. I was just overwhelmed with grief today and let it spill out on my blog.
I HAVE found something, rather someone, to smile about, and his name is Tim 🙂
Timisgoo. I’ve come to know just how true this is. xoxo
Haha noooo never apologize. We all use our blogs to relieve ourself of that emotional burden sometimes. It keeps us more intuned with each other and it’s probably one of the healthiest things we can do.
I hope my goo’nees has at least helped a little.
Stay trusting and vulnerable, and, if it so happens, be hurt again and again. That is better by far than losing the approval of the person who is of the greatest importance to you – yourself.
Life often doesn’t seem at all fair. That is why the Karmic and reincarnation theories are so attractive. Is one building up credit for later enjoyment by being good and true and unselfish, and giving of your best without anyone seeming to notice? I would hope so. Anyway, the composers and artists, reviled or ignored in their lifetimes but hailed as geniuses now – imagine if they had simply given up?
I know you’re right. Self-approval is what matters, but it’s awfully hard to imagine allowing myself to be so vulnerable only to get hurt again. Although, anything short of complete trust, seems like a lesser approach to relationships. I don’t want to be that person. I suppose one day I’ll get there, but I don’t think it will be soon, not while the pain is so fresh. Of course, that’s what new mothers say after having gone through the pain of childbirth. 🙂
I’ll tell you, after all this, I may have to start believing in Karma!! 🙂
Lisa, sending you happy vibes from across the globe 🙂
I am open to receiving them. Thank you, my friend. Your post today was very timely and I thank you for that, as well. 🙂
Dearest friend (for I think of you as a dear friend),
Your heart breaking this way makes mine ache in sympathy. I, too, have stood in those shoes, looking at my life reduced to boxes and memories and sadness. You can do this, Lisa. You have this courageous spirit and giving soul and enormous heart. We can all say, “He will regret this decision to the end of his days.” and, although that is true, it doesn’t ease the hurt right now. Divorce is worse than death, because that person remains in your life, and, you continue to have to deal with them because you have children.
I can only say that it does become easier eventually. That eventually can come at any time–there is a sudden lifting of spirit, a weight leaves your chest, you feel at ease in life again.
For now, cry all you want. Rage, either on the page (as you’ve said) or by yelling in the shower or sharing with those people (here or in 3D) who respect you, who support you, believe in you, love you and are willing to be there for you.
Smile when you feel like it, cry when you need to, rage when it’s necessary–in other words, be human. We love you just as you are.
You speak the truth… well, you write the truth. 🙂 I always appreciate your perspective, Addie. Everything you say is right on the money. I’m just going through the motions – I was telling Brigitte that my mind feels like a land mine, and maneuvering around the pain is quite draining. I know you’d agree.
The one thing I did, which I know, you of all people will appreciate, I went out and bought the most luxurious linens that I could find — beautiful white cotton linens, a new down comforter and duvet cover and a feather bed, to boot! Ahhh… Climbing in bed is like crawling into a heavenly cloud of delight. At least at night, you’ll know I’m sleeping very well. 😉
I’m feeling every ounce of my humanness — for good or for bad.
Thanks for all the love and encouragement, you’re a dear friend, indeed. 🙂
Luxurious cotton linens? Down comforter and duvet cover and a feather bed??? *drool*
Lisa.. it’s when we “bottom out”, as you are doing now, we only have up to go.. you are not broken, merely the compass is spinning and it will soon settle into your true direction..be easy on your memories, feelings and expectations.. hold your hand each day (literally) for you hold the hand of God..
sister, the end of your pain is near. light, peace and healing are where that compass stops
hugs from my heart to yours
“…for you hold the hand of God.” I read what you write, Lynne and can’t help but feel that your gift with words, coupled with your experiences is being put to good use, over here at a gripping life. 🙂
What you say always resonates with me and then it settles my spirit and I find peace.
My responses always feel inadequate, Lynne, so I have to trust (with you it’s easy) that you know my heart. Sister, I thank you. xoxo
Maybe while you’re rummaging around all those boxes and pieces of your former life you’ll get a new perspective on vulnerability and trust — and find that hope and belief are first seated in yourself, then comes the wisdom to trust and the strength to be vulnerable. I now pat myself on the back for being your first response that sounds like a fortune cookie (on steroids) — but I mean well — hugs, V
haha! Thanks for making me laugh, Vickie!! Fortune cookie on steroids! I think not. I’m very good at reading the underlying motivation behind words and actions, and I know you have only the purest of intentions – you have a good heart, V.
If I could articulate my thoughts and feelings with the same quality and ease that you possess, I’d be writing morning, noon and night. I love what you write. I’m sure it’s just one of your many gifts.
You have deep reserves full of wisdom. Thanks for sharing with me.
As you know, words come hard… in response to this despair. I know you will come back up, but that doesn’t really help you right now. I know. We are a lot alike, as you have pointed out to me. A very good therapist I know says often: “You are entitled to your labor, but not the fruits of your labor.” Some days, I choke on that phrase— but I always know it’s true. We can work on outcomes we hope for, we can try to build and mold a perfect family/life/career/etc, but life happens and we are not entitled to the outcomes we hoped for. I am not saying this now, to kick you harder, but share that it is the work of trying to detach from outcomes, that really will hep you in the long run. You are a caring, wise, and tender hearted person. Much of that serves you well, but sadly, the fruit of the labor in this case wasn’t what you thought. Perhaps the fruit will be in seeing what strong, caring kids you’ve raised… who are supportive and loving, as you go through this loss. Perhaps the fruit will be seeing yourself in a new light, with the strengths and gifts that we all see. In the end, the fruit did not lie in the life you built with your husband, but you may find some very amazing things, when the smoke clears and you begin to stand up strong again. And you will. Surrounded by boxes, many of us would cry. So take your time, and then read some of these wonderful comments and look to other fruit. xox Big hugs, friend.
“You are entitled to your labor, but not the fruits of your labor.” Wow! I think this sums it up. Somehow it’s easier to hear when I know it’s something that someone says “often.” 🙂 Yes, I could see myself choking on it, just a little, but there’s no denying the truth in it. Life is not a simple equation, if I do A, B and C, I’ll get D. (You can tell that math was not my subject.) I’m afraid I believed for a long time that this was true. I didn’t take into account that as humans, we can’t control outcomes, try as we will. It’s hard to wrap my head around that even with great sacrifice and hard work, life is not always fair and people don’t grow and evolve at the same rate. Those were not the messages I put stock in, unfortunately.
On paper, it’s a no-brainer. My definition of love was apparently very different than my husband’s.
“Detach from outcomes.” Yes, this is good stuff that you’ve brought to my attention. Isn’t it funny how we know things intellectually but sometimes we need a good and knowing friend to help us reframe and find the proper perspective? You brought me truth. I love when something resonates with me – it brings immediate relief. I’m going to use this in the coming days, and see how I feel after processing it. I can already tell it’s an important piece.
Thanks for standing with me, Dawn, in this overwhelming storage unit, as I contemplate boxes and new “fruit.”
I struggle with this one EVERY day Lisa. I think it is a particularly hard lesson… Be kind to yourself. You are guilty of loving hard, and hoping for out comes that you invested in— that makes you a kind soul, and pretty normal. I think, at this age, it is an interesting “lesson” to think about and work on. Again, it is my main focus now: I am not entitled to the fruit. But then, (as a friend so wisely commented to me on a recent post): don’t spend time watching your fruit rot. Hugs. xo
How wonderfully wise and beautiful, Dawn.
Lisa, we all feel so much for you, and I can see why you might think momentarily that all of your effort and love, hope and constancy were all for nothing. Not true! In the task of polishing and refining our soul that we do here, your spirit is shining through true and bright.
you will get that girl back, but she will be a bit wiser, and maybe look over her shoulder a little more–but she is still there
we all love you (((((hugs))))
I want to believe she’s still there… thanks for always saying such kind things. You always warm my heart. I’m feeling the love.
Love and big hugs 🙂
Ah Lisa, there is nothing anyone can say to fix things. But I wish you peace and a rediscovery of yourself. Those qualities of love and nurturing and making a home are positives, despite how things have turned out. Don’t allow blame to settle on you – it takes two to tango. Be gentle with yourself, you ARE a good person! Bless you xxx
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
I wasn’t even going to write this post. I was just feeling an overwhelming sense of emotion and I though it would be a good place to get it out of my system. I don’t want to be tiresome, Charlene. As stated in earlier comments my mind has turned into a bit of a land mine and it’s become quite a drain to get from one end of the day to the other without any missteps/mishaps.
The one thing I will tell you, because you couldn’t possibly know, and I understand that, is that I stand blameless. If you knew the whole story, and one day I’ll share it with you in an email, you would know that in this situation, it did not take two to tango. In many cases it does, but not in this one. If I’m to blame for anything, it is for being too vulnerable, too loving, too patient, and too forgiving. Those are the facts. Twenty-seven years of being the dutiful and selfless wife did not make me culpable, maybe stupid, but I’ve done nothing to feel bad about. For this I am thankful. It gives me some degree of peace.
I love your message of rediscovery and the encouragement you give me. I am so thankful for it. (Even the books you had me read came right before the storm!) Your timing was perfect. Thanks, my wise and sweet friend. I hope you’re feeling better, as I write this.
Why does it happen to the loving and devoted wives? I am so glad you read those books too. Maybe take another gander at them from this new perspective. But just go easy on yourself. Lots a love hunny bunny
Those books came at just the right time. As always, your comments are so kind and comforting. 🙂
Hugs to you, Charlene! xoxox
This is me putting my virtual arms around you. Looking through those boxes had to be so hard. I can only imagine how it must have felt to look at that frozen spigot and thinking that the last time you saw it, it was so hot outside. The passage of time is painful, but remember that you’re in the thick of it right now. Little objects are taking on a significance that they almost don’t deserve. It’s OK to mourn the past. It seems like you’re allowing yourself those feelings which is a great thing.
I don’t think you’ll have to wholly abandon the vulnerable, trusting Lisa. Having those personality traits is a gift. There are so many people in the world who lead really guarded, isolated lives because they can’t allow themselves to open themselves up and love the world even though it may not always love them back. Keep being you. You are beautiful and an incredible inspiration to me. xxoo
Yup, I think I’m grieving and the boxes just threw me over the edge. You’re so right about little objects taking on significance they don’t deserve. Every memory is a little bit tender, right now. 😦
I’ve never wanted to be one of those guarded, suspicious types – living life in that way seems so draining and awful. What’s the point? I’ve always told people I’d rather be trusting and get hurt than live life always worrying and thinking the worst. Sure, I said that BEFORE I got hurt. haha!
It will take time but right now I feel like, no, a piece of me was damaged in this whole thing and will not be easily restored. We’ll see… I still have love in my heart, that won’t change, and I can still recognize goodness when I see it and feel it. Yes, I’m looking at you, Emily. “Guarded and isolated” describes my husband, and it is sad – especially when it was so unnecessary. I imagine he’ll sit out the rest of his life as an observer, always afraid to get in the game and play.
Thanks for encouraging me and always lifting my spirit. I love you for that!!
Big hugs xoxo
Your strength will get you through this and time heals all wounds. Sending good Karma your way 🙂
I’ll be happy to receive that good traveling Karma from you, Ingrid. Yes, time is my friend. Thanks for the sweet comment!
This just isn’t freaking fair. It’s not. Nothing about it, no words, no switch that can be flicked. Nothing but time will make this better. But it will get better I promise. And you know what? You WILL find love again. I would bet my last dollar on it. And it will be better for the both of you because what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and to appreciate real love and you will have it with someone so terrific… The memory of this trip to the storage unit will be lost among the boxes you will eventually throw out. But don’t forget it, ever. Cuzzzz someday when you are holding that new hand and are so happy you might just feel as if you are going to burst… this memory will make you appreciate your life even more and be grateful that the experiences you have gone through make you even better. From the support of everyone in your life both physically and cyberally… I know you will be fine.
God has a plan.
Though I know today hurts like hell…
There is a new adventure waiting around the corner for you that you might have never experienced without the pain.
And yes, I do speak from experience.
On days like the storage unit days you want someone to just tell you…
“It’s going to be okay.” And Lisa, you know what? It really is.
Love ya buddy,
Love you, too, Diane. I think that knowing God has a plan is one of the greatest gifts. Letting go and turning things over to Him is the right thing to do. Thanks for reminding me of what may lie ahead. I want to believe it’s true but on days like today it’s tough. I feel rocked to my core. I’m hoping that the pain has a purpose, like you said – preparing me for better things. That’s my prayer.
Blessings to you, my friend!!
And it can be put back together. It will be better than ever,you have the technology and capability to make it Better, Stronger, Faster. Better than before.
(Sorry, I stole from the beginning of the Six Million Dollar Man)
hahaha! Thanks for giving me a good laugh!! Hey, I’d love to trade in some of these old parts for new ones!
You say what good is putting in all that effort and failing.
But having put in that effort tells you (if nothing else) that in the end, it wasn’t your fault.
And while your faith in yourself is temporarily sprained, I have plenty of faith in you.
I guess I’ve just always believed, that if you do the right things, make the hard choices and sacrifice, that your efforts will pay off. Obviously, that’s not true. It’s just a hard thing to accept after close to thirty years.
I married a very wounded person, I hesitate to use the word “damaged,” but sadly, if trying to make positive changes is something you’re unwilling to do, then the word damaged is appropriate. It implies a condition that is irreversible. In my mind, nothing is impossible and love can heal even the deepest wounds. I never stopped trying and I never stopped loving. It’s like bringing a dog home from the pound only to find out that it has issues that were caused by the previous owners. Can you reverse those issues, can you gain the dog’s trust by providing a safe and loving home? You can try, but there’s no guarantee. At some point you accept the dog and his limitations and love him regardless. That’s the tipping point. Acceptance. Then, for the dog to run away after all those years of providing love and safety is confusing, to say the least. It makes you question everything. I think that’s what I was feeling today – what were those thirty years all about? Why did I demonstrate so much faith in someone who didn’t have an ounce of it himself?
I’m glad you have faith in me, Guapo. I need to be around people who are healthy and positive. Thanks for letting me babble on and on!! You really get your money’s worth over here at a gripping life! 🙂
All of this is necessary for forward movement, as you know. If only we could embrace the valleys as much as we embrace the peaks. Perhaps there is wisdom in the saying, “Good grief!”
Yeah, I suppose it’s cleansing and preparing me for something new. Still, it’s hard to keep that perspective. Now, maybe if I were at the beach…. 🙂
Thanks for your thoughtful comment.
A little beach time does a lot of healing – break away to do so, if you can!
I’m going to make that my goal.
Please don’t let go of that trusting, loving and vulnerable person. It’s an asset to you as well as an asset to people around you. This is the kind of aura that helps us to thrive. I know you’re temporarily shut down but I’m hoping that you’ll be open to the possibility of visualizing a positive process and outcome.
After reading your post I thought of the static plan that I had for my life, and the difficulty I had in making it materialize. When I prayed for direction and willingness to be open to God’s guidance, I started to receive the answers that I needed, and the frustration and self-criticism and anger dissipated. The message I received was that I wouldn’t be able to enjoy life completely with the tunnel vision I created by being fixated on a particular design for my life. There might be an even greater life for me as long as I remained open-minded so that I could see it.
There’s pain in letting go, but on the other side of it, if we’re really really honest about our part in the pain, there’s a new strength of character and a life that we can live with a stronger foundation and a better truth.
I feel like such an idiot. But who among us doesn’t believe that if we make certain choices and live a certain kind of life that there’ll be a decent payoff? I feel like I gave 100% of myself for so long and then with no rhyme or reason the whole thing vanished into thin air. I was trusting and patient and kind and it was difficult, very difficult. And this is what I’m left with – questioning the good of practicing those attributes.
I know you’re right. You and Dawn, who is also very wise and beautiful, are saying the same thing, essentially. We can’t control outcomes and we need to get rid of the narrow tunnel vision – God may have a different plan, and try as we will to make ours work, to make ours happen, it ain’t in the cards. 🙂 Of course you wrote it much more eloquently. I have and do pray for God to manifest His will. I ask for guidance because let’s face it, I’ve been in a stupor for a long time. I always feel like if God would do me the favor of just pointing out the way, I’d happily follow. Who wouldn’t? Maybe I didn’t see the more subtle signs along the way (I was being lied to) so I needed a major earthquake to set me off in a different direction — because this feels like a major course correction.
If I could just stay in an elevated place, always maintaining an eternal perspective, knowing that there are higher principles at work here – I’d be fine. It’s just that being human is such a drag – it’s hard to negotiate a smooth course when there are pot holes and stop signs and so much traffic along the way.
I think C.S. Lewis spoke about pain being cleansing and that it prepares us for higher living, a new level, or as you say, “a stronger foundation and better truth.” So there is something to be gained from all of this pain, after all… I just hate that this is the process. 😦
You are a wise and good soul, Sandee. I’m thankful that our paths crossed and for this friendship where we both learn and grow together. 🙂
Hey Lisa! — there will be challenges and doubts, but keep the faith and you’ll see the reward! I’m really glad that our paths have crossed as well. I get so much from what you share and look forward always to hearing what you have to say.
I hope so, Sandee. I’d hate to think that my reward is going to come on the “other side.” haha!
The feelings are mutual, my friend.
Sorry to read of your troubles – semaphore won’t help but you may have a laugh doing it!
haha! If only I had a magic semaphore, all my problems would be solved… 😀
“Today, I’m feeling broken at my core.”
Lisa, you know the answer to this one. It’s OK to be sad, but it’s not OK to be depressed. All of us have done foolish things that we regret, but that doesn’t mean our core is foolish or weak, just those actions. It may feel like your life is reduced to a pile of boxes, but those things aren’t really your life. If they disappeared in an earthquake your life would not be over, it would just take a different course, maybe for the better, maybe for the worse. One person may have rejected you but many others love you dearly (as witnessed by this wonderful community of yours). You may think that the beautiful life for your family has gone, but presumably what is really beautiful is what you put in their hearts and minds and that will always be there.
Thank you, Malcolm. “…what is really beautiful is what you put in their hearts and minds and that will always be there.” These are words that I’ll carry with me during the coming weeks. I’d like to believe this is true. I need to refocus my energies to see the good I’ve done. Thanks, my friend.
Ugh, I hate so much that you are feeling this way. I’d love to fix things. All I can think is that you are stronger than you know or feel right now. Sometimes things break down and sometimes things break wide open. One is good and one is bad and it is impossible at the point of impact to know just one we’re dealing with. Here’s to you, breaking wide open, new things, better things, right around the corner for you 🙂
Thanks, Tori. I hope it’s a case of breaking open. I was talking to Lily yesterday and I was saying, all this sadness is sooo not me – it just feels so overwhelming at times. I’ll just be driving the car and all of a sudden the tears start flowing, out of the blue. It’s like an emotional hot flash! (I guess it doesn’t help that I’m menopausal on top of everything.) I’ll get through it, I hate to be such a downer. This may be the last post of it’s kind. I’m looking forward to writing some good news for a change.
Thanks for the love and well wishes… 🙂
I still feel that people like you deserve a life that is just brilliant and satisfying in every way. It’s a sad thing that you are sad :(. I read you hate to be a downer in the above comment, but hey, I guess it’s really normal to be down when such things happen to you. And it’s probably the best to let it out. Hiding everything will probably make you break someday. (You’re the psychologist though, so I should stop telling you stuff you know 🙂 ).
Here’s a good place to let it all go. We’ll be always here to help you and say sweet things and stuff. Ever.
Hugs hugs hugs
Thanks, Astrid! That’s so kind of you. Yea, I just keep spilling over but I think it’s tiresome – hey, even I get sick of it! I now what you’re saying.
Thanks for your thoughtful words. Hopefully I’ll have something uplifting and happy to report soon.
Love and Hugs!
I know how difficult it can sometimes be to see through fog so thick you don’t know if your next step will be one which tumbles you into the canyon. But know this: being strong, loyal, patient and loving is always the proper path. Always.
Thanks John, I need that confirmation. You’ve got it right. I’m in a fog and questioning my every step. When things that you’ve heard prescribed your whole life have no positive outcome you start to scratch your head, like, “What was that all about? Why did I bother?” Usually those qualities yield good results – my husband must be the exception to the universal laws and principles that guide all human behavior. Haha! Yeah, that’s the ticket. 🙂
I’m never going to forget what you have said here. How very well you write and how perfectly you express these feelings. What you have written is so profound.
And there’s so much symbolism in how things played out. From the heat of summer and your passion for packing up with such high hopes in anticipation of your new life in beautiful California, to a horrible turn for the worse — and left with nothing but the reality of a bitterly cold winter. (Sorry, I’m probably not making you feel any better!)
When you say:
“I’m a believer, an optimist. My faith in good things, including all people, is child-like and unshakable. I love and hope so completely, that I could go on forever, waiting and believing. It’s just who I am. I don’t know how to be any other way. I really don’t.”
I feel happy for you, Lisa, because being a good, kind, loving, devoted person is in your DNA! And if there was ever any “right” way to be in this world, you are a shining example! Unfortunately, it doesn’t do anything relieve the pain. Oh if only I had a magic wand to wave over you and make you feel better, Lisa.
I don’t know if this is any help, but whenever I get overwhelmed about a problem I force myself to live in the now. I only think and pay attention to what I am actually doing in the present moment. Oh I find it very hard to do as my brain Peanuts loves to wonder. But when I make the effort and manage to stay in the present moment, I do feel better. xoxo!
I think that’s excellent advice. I’m going to try and do this. As I’ve said in earlier comments, my mind feels like a land mine – one false move, while my thoughts wander, and I could start feeling sad/hurt. It’s best just to put some blinders on and stay focused on the present, the here and now. You are so right.
It’s funny because when I was describing that part of my personality, the one that doesn’t give up, the one that would win in a war of attrition, I thought of you! I remember you saying that you could relate to and identify with that trait. I think it is an attribute, as long as it’s directed at a worthy relationship. 🙂
You’re like sunshine to me, Linda – you always say just the right thing. Thanks for lifting my spirits 🙂
You don’t know how happy that makes me to hear I can lift your spirits, Lisa!! I think you and I both being the middle children and both having gone through our parents divorces — I think I read you were 14? And I was 13. Those are really big things that I bet we both dealt with the same. That situation revealed to me that I was really strong and someone who could be leaned on in a crisis. So I think I understand your strength. I wish strength could trump hurt!
But I do think when you’re going through something as difficult as you are it’s probably best to just live on the isle of now. Or Hawaii! Or how about both? I wonder if it would be good for you to get away to Hawaii and enjoy some nice weather for a week with your kids? It would be something fun to look forward to and I think a week away in some beautiful weather would do wonders for you! 😀 xoxo!
It’s no wonder we like each other so much – we’re basically the same person!! I relate to everything you say, Linda.
Okay, I’ve NEVER been to Hawaii. Where would you suggest going? It always seems so complicated to me with all the islands and such. I’ve always wanted to visit. Which island do you recommend?