Intimacy…
What Is Emotional Intimacy?
Often when we think of “intimacy” we think of physical intimacy — at least I do. Emotional intimacy is sharing who we really are with another person. It is vital for our sense of well-being. Intimacy is how we connect to one another – it’s the velcro in our relationships. We are intimate when we allow another person to see into us, or to see our true self. Break the word down to, In To Me See.
How Do We Develop A Fear Of Intimacy? We develop a fear of intimacy when our true self is wounded or traumatized while in a relationship. When we have made ourselves vulnerable, exposing who we really are, and are then hurt and, or, rejected, we respond by attempting to hide our true and authentic self. We learn to avoid honest relationships. We live in fear that someone will see who we really are, and will hurt and reject us again. **Please remember that, “HURT PEOPLE, HURT PEOPLE.” Getting blindsided by someone unhealthy, who is mean, insensitive and full of rage, is never about you, it’s about them. (*unless there is a pattern of inviting abusive people repeatedly into your life – then it’s about you, too.)
When we are wounded by our first and most important relationship (parents/family) we learn to fear intimacy.
How Do We Unknowingly Block Intimacy? Here’s a sampling…
- We practice avoidance. We hide intellectually, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
- We DON’T keep up appearances. We repel people with a lack of self-care (Unclean, unkempt, dirty, etc.)
- We keep up appearances – we practice perfection with regard to our appearance, everything becomes about the physical, and the external.
- We are superficial
- We take things personally – Our interpretation of events is always negative. We wait to be hurt or victimized, so we can reinforce how we really feel about ourselves. Or, we create scenarios where we can feel victimized. This gets old quickly. People eventually leave us alone.
- We allow ourselves to be needed but not loved. Those who block intimacy confuse the two. We are comfortable when we are needed (we’re in control) but not when we are loved because we don’t love ourselves or because it feels unsafe.
- We are aggressive, abrasive, harsh.
- We are know-it-alls. No one can tell us anything or share anything with us because we already know everything.
- We are critics and judges. Everything gets discussed and dissected, a thumbs up or a thumbs down.
- We are always busy, busy, busy. We fill our day to capacity, leaving no room to breathe let alone to be. This is also a good way to never be alone with yourself.
- We are needy and often in crisis. When life is about survival it’s difficult to get close or deep with a person. The drama or worries get in the way.
- We abandon friendships when they become too deep. “If you get too close you’ll see the real me, so I’ll break it off before that happens.”
- We are perfectionists – the focus is on external instead of internal affairs of the heart.
- We are always sick. When someone is always ailing it’s hard to get close. It’s also hard to confront someone if they’re ill.
- We are always joking and fooling around. If you can’t get serious you can’t get intimate.
- We are overly independent. We don’t allow people in to help us or share our emotional burdens – we fear vulnerability.
Getting Over A Fear Of Intimacy – I’ll keep it short.
- I’m not broken. My sense of self is shattered, NOT MY TRUE SELF.
- When I truly love, honor and accept myself, I won’t need to hide or be false.
- I’ll share my feelings. I’ll learn to assert myself. I will be seen and my feelings will be felt. I will be understood. I will seek validation and enforce my boundaries.
- I will recognize when I’m trying to cover my wounds with external things. I will develop self-awareness.
- I’ll understand that my fear of intimacy is based on a false belief about myself. If I’m sustaining that lie, then the relationship I have with myself is false.
- I will practice honesty and integrity in all that I do. I will be congruent.
- I’ll stop taking cues from the outside world. I will go by my instincts even if others disagree – this is how I’ll discover who I really am.
- Until I learn to be intimate with myself (heal my wounds), I cannot be open and intimate with others. I will take emotional risks.
Great topic. This is something I have trouble with too. I think a lot of it has to do with how my family behaves/behaved growing up. Now it seems to be as if I’m afraid someone will find one thing about me, not like it, and that will negate everything else. It’s really stupid to do because sometimes the things I hide from people are things other people like most about me. Maybe not always like, but aren’t bothered by. I’m a very forgiving and understanding person. I should give others more credit that they’re the same way.
This is such a great comment, Tim. Yeah, it’s the real stuff and the vulnerability that most people find endearing and can relate too. I feel like I know you well enough to encourage you to go ahead and risk exposing more of the hidden Tim. You are incredibly lovable. Don’t hide the real stuff and definitely don’t replace it with anything either. No matter what message you heard as a kid I can tell you with certainty, it ain’t true. Anything that you put out there, that’s real, is going to be loved and admired. Yes, give people more credit. Take a chance/risk and see what happens. If someone rejects you, that’s THEIR issue, NOT YOURS.
Don’t be so hard on your self and so self-critical – you’re way off the mark. Believe me. Anyone who really knows you, loves you. 🙂
Aww you’re too kind 🙂
I do make a much greater effort now than ever. It’s still tough to convince myself when I am open and it still has negative results that it’s the right thing to do, but again that’s their issue and a common one I find in people.
The first step is always the hardest and when your head already has certain expectations and they aren’t what happen is when people like me retreat back to our holes.
Maybe try not to have any expectations? Let things unfold and see where they go…? I know, it’s harder to do than to sit here and intellectualize the whole thing.
I think blogging is good for people with intimacy issues because you can take emotional risks and see what happens. If someone ONLY had relationships on blogs, though, then that would be unhealthy – goes without saying, I suppose.
Good advice on all fronts.
Losing expectations will be the toughest thing. Lowering them seems worse. But hey, I’ll find something that works.
I see a lot of myself and several others I know well enough (to make this judgement about) in your post. Just the parts I see in myself are kind of scary. I’ve spent quite a bit of time reading blogs today and it has certainly has been an emotional Thursday.
It is uncomfortable when we see ourselves in these sorts of things, but we should remember that we’re not alone. Most of us struggle with this stuff. I know I do. 🙂
Just be kind to yourself. These posts are written in an effort to help us feel “normal,” help us get a handle on things, so we don’t feel so overwhelmed and hopeless. If we can identify with it and we are intelligent, which you obviously are, then we can over come it. Most of us just need some tweaking, anyway. No worries.
Lisa
Thank you.
I did something super stupid today and I am sitting here beating myself up over it– you have absolutely no idea how much this post is hitting me– hard. It is like karma that you wrote it.. you are wonderful Lisa.
The pictures that you chose are beautiful.
Thank you for writing this– I mean this sincerely. Audra
Thanks, Audra. It was something I had created for one of my workshops. Sometimes it’s hard to condense everything. I’m glad you liked it or thought it was timely.
I can’t imagine you doing anything “super stupid”, but I can imagine you thinking you did, and beating yourself up over it. Oh brother. You’re fine. Everyone thinks you’re amazing. Whatever it was, it’s probably minuscule. No worries.
“Getting blindsided by someone unhealthy, who is mean, insensitive and full of rage, is never about you, it’s about them.”
I can understand being disappointed at someone else’s behavior but if I let them really get to me isn’t it my fault because, in retrospect, my expectations were too out of whack with reality.
It’s partially true that “no one can hurt you without your permission.” Eleanor Roosevelt
Sometimes we have relationships with people who are triggered by something we’re not even aware of, something beyond our control. Sometimes the healthiest people can be the target of someone’s toxic agenda. If we live our lives defensively, always looking over our shoulder, thinking that we might get hurt if we let our guard down, are we really living? When we enter into a relationship with someone and open our lives up to them, we are taking an emotional risk. It’s up to each of us to decide how vulnerable we want to be. The more open and honest we are in our relationships the more we stand to gain from that relationship. That relationship will be richer and deeper. The more superficial we are, the less chance we have of getting hurt, but we’ll also miss out on all the rewards.
I love Therapeutic Thursdays so much! These posts are great because you keep them objective and informative. As far as fear of intimacy goes, I think I may be a bit too fearLESS of intimacy because I will pretty much overshare my entire life story to random people at the library if given the chance 😉
Of course you are open and fearless and that’s what makes you so darn lovable. It is a risk we take because we CAN get hurt. (I’ve had family members hurt me in ways that I didn’t think we’re possible.) But, are we really living if we keep it close to the vest and present a superficial front? I say, no. We have to decide individually how vulnerable we allow ourselves to be. I’m trusting to a fault. I always have been. I know the risks, but to me it’s worth it.
Quite interesting.
I have a post in the works (scheduled, actually) that is somewhat related to this one. For whatever reason -and I think I have a good idea of what that reason is, I don’t have a fear of intimacy. The funny thing is, that until just now, that I read this post, I didn’t even know what to call it. Fear of intimacy.
Great read, thanks
Thanks!! It’s a good relevant topic, I think. I figure that most of us could use a little tweaking now and then and these posts help give us a handle on these issues, not to mention a little hope. I write them as much for myself as I do for others.
I’ve never had a fear of intimacy, either, but in the last year I’ve been badly hurt by family members who I trusted completely. It’s been devastating and now makes me want to be a little more cautious when it comes to matters of the heart.
Thanks for the great comment!
I’ll head over to you post. I’d love to read it.
Lisa
Ah yes, I’ve been hurt too but I guess such is life. I can’t complain really, I have also had – and still do, great relationships.
I’ll try and remember to let you know when the post goes out. But my memory is going…
I love this! Thank you.
Boy oh boy, I knew someone who was always joking around and she was really really funny, absurd, etc. She always had me cracking up, but it got tiring. One day I realized that she used humor as a barrier — every once in a while she’d say something dark and revealing and I began to imagine that her upbringing might not have been ideal.
I told her one day that I felt I didn’t really know who she was. She’s someone I worked with. She was so ridiculously funny I miss her humor, but I believe it comes from a really dark place.
I think people who are ALWAYS funny and ALWAYS turned ON, are absolutely blocking intimacy. Humor can be subtly disarming, too. My husband is like this. He turns everything into something comical. He can never just have a serious conversation – it’s way too scary for him.
Did you ever see that film with Sally Field and Tom Hanks, “Punchline?” It’s excellent because it shows that ugly, raging person beneath the humor. You’re so right. It does come from a very dark place.
Glad you liked this!
Love this! In to me see. Wonderful!
I love, “In To Me See,” too! Glad you enjoyed this.
I want you to know that your post has really affected me. It has changed the way I think about intimacy. I have thought about it several times this week. Thank you so much again.
That’s the best thing anyone can say to me. I’m a perpetual student so everything I post has been meaningful to me and helped me to make positive changes. I write for myself as much as anyone else. 🙂 Your comment really makes me happy and makes me feel like my efforts are worthwhile. Thanks for sharing that!!!
Lisa
Nice one mom! Lots of good info and good pictures! Triton Lite here we come…! It makes me sad for people who have this. I feel like I see myself in lots of topics that you cover, but this one not so much. I let people see me so much that if they don’t like me, then I figure something is wrong with them. lol
Thanks, my Lil! I think you have healthy boundaries and are able to take emotional risks. When you feel something is uncomfortable or upsetting, you speak up. A lot of people don’t have that tool in their belt. It’s a good one – it comes in handy. The good news is, with a little practice everyone can have it.
Glad you liked this and the pictures. Now I’m aware of a possible future with Triton Lite! LOL!!
in to me see…oh you had me hooked straight away! like you said in one of your replies, everyone can do with a bit of tweaking in this area, some more than others. I know people who like to be useful (in control) but not loved, I know angry people who hurt blindly, and those who practice external perfection. I am probably a little too independent, but i think parenthood largely cured me of that ;).
Thanks, Sara. I fall into the “being too independent” category, as well. I had to be independent my whole life because my family was so toxic and needy. No one ever came to my aid – I couldn’t count on anyone. After awhile I started to realize I would get less hurt by being independent than I would by waiting for people to help me.
The problem with independence is once you achieve a certain level of it, you can’t go backward – it feels false. You can’t dumb it down. 🙂
I think the most honest relationships I have are with my children. They see the whole me and with them, I can be vulnerable. No wonder I love spending time with them.
Parenthood can be a cure for a lot of stuff! LOL!
So so beautiful!!! Beautiful and informative. You are a talented amazing writer Lisa!! So much to be absorbed here. Thank you as always for your loving information. Reflecting on some of this and going through what I am right now, I can totally see how in choosing ‘bad’ people, it has kept me from being intimate indeed. Subconsciously its like you know THIS WILL NEVER WORK I’M GOING IN SO I CAN FULFILL THAT PROPHECY THAT SAYS I AM NOT LOVABLE.
Amazing stuff.
My fave quote: it’s the velcro in our relationships
love it!!!!
Thanks, my love!! I think having the awareness of when we’re blocking intimacy is half the battle. You and I have been hurt by the people that should have loved us unconditionally. When that happens, is it any wonder that we’re a little frightened of being vulnerable again? Choosing bad people just repeats the pattern and reinforces what we were made to feel about ourselves – basically that we’re not worth loving.
Luckily we have rounded that corner and we KNOW BETTER. 🙂
You’re AMAZING, Judy and YOU WILL find love and YOU WILL be happy. That’s a fact.
Lisa
xoxo
The same fact holds true for you my friend. The universe is doing all it can to hunt us down and give us our best, most powerful self!!
This is a great post, Lisa. I recognized a lot of the signs in people I know, but learned something about a couple my husband and I know. He always finds perfectly beautiful women and seems obsessed with how they look, and it becomes their job to stay beautiful and cook. That’s it. I didn’t realize that he was avoiding intimacy by doing this. It brings a whole lot of stuff about his life and personality into starker focus. We just thought him to be superficial and boring, but from what you’re saying about intimacy issues, that’s the point. isn’t it? Thanks so much for this, Lisa.
Thanks, Yaz. That’s exactly what I think your friend is doing. You’re right about that. Isn’t that sad? I understand that risking intimacy and being vulnerable can lead to getting hurt – at least it did when we were younger because we were ill equipped. As adults we can have the tools to hopefully avoid a repeat of that pain without losing our ability to be soft and open. It’s a trade off, I guess? Some people would rather stay SAFE and avoid intimacy, even knowing that they’re missing the best part of love and life, than risk getting hurt again. I understand it and can empathize. It takes guts to get back to the business of taking emotional risks.
I start to feel a bit paranoid about my mental health :p.
But these posts are great, interesting.
Don’t be paranoid!! LOL! But do be aware of how these minor things can de-rail relationships and can lead to a lot of internal heart ache. The awareness is everything. After awhile you’ll catch yourself or friends when they start down a self-defeating road. 🙂 It can make a difference.
Haha for sure! It certainly makes me think about what I do, and why I do it, and it makes me want to improve it :). And that’s a good thing, so thanks!
I needed this post in the worst way today. Particularly the statement, “I am not shattered, my sense of self is shattered.” Or something to that effect. 🙂 thank you. Great post.
You are as whole and wonderful as the day you were born! Isn’t it sad how we all take such a beating as life progresses — we come up with these strategies to prevent getting hurt, but then they prove to be in effective and self-defeating as adults?
Oh well. Sigh… If we have the awareness that there’s really nothing wrong with us, other than some faulty beliefs and bad coping, we can tweak things and renew our sense of self. That’s what I hope for all of us. 🙂
Thanks for the great comment!!
Lisa
You have a wonderful understanding of intimacy. and Knowledge is power. A great post and one for more thought. Is that someone significant to you in the last photo? what a great picture of happiness!
Actually, I found that photo on Pinterest. I like it, too. Thanks, Ruth. I agree, knowledge is power. It’s amazing how a little understanding of these issues can go such a long way. I’m about to start teaching a 6 week emotional wellness workshop at my house. Sometimes it’s just enough to give people a handle, so that they can make needed changes. I like it as a pre-therapy measure. For some people, the walking wounded, that’s all they need.
‘We are always busy, busy, busy. We fill our day to capacity, leaving no room to breathe let alone to be. This is also a good way to never be alone with yourself.’
I see this so much with work-a-holics – I think it’s to avoid thinking and being alone in one’s head.
Good post! Thank you ~
Isn’t that the truth!? Sometimes being alone with your own thoughts, just with yourself, is super uncomfortable. I had an aunt that was always avoiding her feelings and then one day she got really sick and was bed ridden for a long time. It just about killed her – she had no where to run and couldn’t hide. We all know the type.
Thanks, Denise!!
Exactly. So question – I believe you revealed you’re a counselor/therapist – do your clients ever read your blog? And if so – is it weird?
I’m not currently taking clients. I’ve been on a break for two years. If they did, I don’t think it would be weird only because I don’t present myself any differently in person or on the blog. What you see is what you get. 🙂
I am going to be teaching an emotional wellness workshop starting in March. I enjoy teaching – a little education goes a long way.
If you were in my neck of the woods – I’d totally be in your class…or make you listen to the minutiae of my life. I suspect you are a great therapist.
You’re kind, Denise. It’s no secret that there are some clients you dread and agonize over and others that you look forward to seeing. If you were in my class, or a client I’d be dancing a jig. 😀
I think if I printed out your therapeutic Thursdays, and made them into a booklet, and put them into my purse, I’d have a handy reference to get me through all sorts of situations… Just wanted you to know what a benefit/benediction you give us and express my thanks.
xox, V
That’s so kind, V. If what I write gives even one person some comfort, direction, or hope, then it’s worthwhile.
Hugs xoxo!
Lisa
I’m sneaking in from a boring work meeting to comment so will have to be brief.. I love this post as I can honestly say I have been in both sides of that coin.. Human dynamics on why and how we grow emotionally has always facinated me and I am ever evolving.. I am worrking on allowing myself to be more open and receptive to good, honest emotional intimacy.. I’ll let you know when I get there 😉
Strong women have a hard time letting go of control and making themselves more vulnerable– ahem… at least this strong woman does. 🙂 the difficult part is being fiercely independent but knowing that in many ways this blocks intimacy. Once you become strong or independent, anything less, feels false. It feels like dumbing yourself down. (I know that’s worded badly – but you know what I mean?) It’s hard to reverse that particular trait because it actually is also very constructive, practical and positive. It’s one of the few copings that has a dual edge. We’re encouraged to be strong. I was a Helen Reddy, “I am Woman Hear Me Roar” girl back in the day. It’s just hard to find that balance where you don’t prevent or block people from the opening in your heart.
Good, honest, emotional intimacy is more difficult than it seems. I’ll let you know when I arrive, too.
Such a great, thoughtful and thought-provoking post. Bless you Lisa xxx
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
Lovely Charlene… I’m happy you liked it. xoxo
As always, a wonderful post.
Saddest part of his is that it’s those who should love us that often do the most damage.
Best part is coming out the other side, proving them wrong, and watching them fade in the rearview mirror.
Unless you’ve “accidentally” hit them, in which case the best part might not be watching them in the rearview, but seeing them splayed on the roadside. Too aggressive? Twisted? Me adding my own stuff? 😀
Thanks, Guapo. You’re my true and faithful follower – always providing the best comments. And of course, I agree. The saddest part is those who miss the boat on love (Is that the Loveboat?) and then make us circle around and waste our time/life looking for them.
I wanted you to know that I reposted the photo of the two older people on a new Pinterest board called “Loving the Elderly”…I referred the post back to “A Gripping Life”…the issues surrouding care for elderly parents are the subjects of my blog “A Swift Current”…I thought your photo was just perfect…Thanks you! Hallie Swift of “A Swift Current”…(ps. I hope you can take a look at my blog!. thank you!)
Thanks, Hallie! I actually found it on Pinterest! That’s where I get so many of my pictures. I’ll be right over – looking forward to reading your blog. 🙂
Lisa
Such wonderful words of wisdom. Frank, honest, unflinching yet not unkind. It’s like reading a whole book without all the filler and fluff. Thank you.
Thank you, Viv! That’s a wonderful review! I think I’ll frame it on my wall. 🙂
The worst part of reading those self help books is always the filler and fluff – I’m the sort of gal that stands in the book store and thumbs through to find the valuable bits. The fact that you mention this post, in this light, is a very great compliment, indeed.
Thanks again.
Lisa
I always wished for Cliff’s Notes on parenting books. Just give me the bullet list and leave out the anecdotes. I love it.
Beautiful post, Lisa. I love the photos you chose, too. And, the new look of your blog. Very nice. As I was reading this, I was thinking that people who may suffer from intimacy problems probably don’t know they really suffer from these issues. If only everyone could read your post. Also, I think it takes the experience of a healthy relationship to realize what it is possible in your life. Some people need that positive person who has the capacity that may allow you to take risks. Maybe too often people that have intimacy issues seek each other out. These are things that just came to mind.
Aww… thanks, Amy 🙂 I think you’re right that some of us aren’t even aware what we’re missing or what’s possible in terms of a healthy, open and honest relationship. Most people who don’t have that wonderful intimacy walk around feeling slightly miserable without knowing why. We all need human connection to be happy. And yes, I think people who have intimacy issues seek each other out very sub-consciously. They each meet the other’s needs. I can imagine, for example, two very busy work-aholics finding each other and feeling content with minimal contact. It probably, in part, starts with the relationship our parents modeled for us.
Such a thoughtful comment, per usual 🙂
Well done. I particularly liked the list of how to block intimacy.
Awesome post. In fact, all of your posts are awesome. Love the blog!
You are so kind! Thank you!!! I’ll go and check out yours.
Have a beautiful day!!
Lisa
Lisa, You always write stuff that nails a lot of peoples feeling right on the head! Another great one!
Thanks, Diane. I try to get it right. 🙂
Nice post and a photo that is worth a million words! Hope you don’t mind me asking, Is it yours?
Thanks. No, they’re not mine. I found them on Pinterest, if you know what that is? I use it for most of my picture sources. Intimacy is a great topic- thanks for reading!
Lisa
Is it difficult to get on it, is the system complicated and last question but not least, is it royalty free? My family got me aware of the copyright which I had not known about so, I’m careful since
On my blog, you’ll see the word Pinterest on the right side of my posts. hit that and it will take you to my “boards”. You might be able to get on from there. I think it’s as royalty free as Google is? I don’t know? I don’t see any credits given for anything- there are millions of images.
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Thank you so much! It’s great to be in such good company. I’m honored.
Lisa