A random post on cheaters…
Cheaters Never Win – More Importantly, They’re Never Happy
I was thinking about all the beautiful women, inside and out, who’ve been cheated on by their husbands and boyfriends, and a pattern started to emerge.
I’m one of those people who REALLY, REALLY dislikes “the other woman.” At least I hate the behavior and choices of the cheateress. I feel there should be a code amongst women, that we don’t seduce or date married men. We’ve all heard them say, that if there wasn’t trouble in the marriage, the husband wouldn’t have strayed. That’s false. If the husband was evolved and mature he wouldn’t have strayed. If he was honest and caring he would alert his wife, and the two of them would work on the relationship together. If it’s not meant to be, then together they would make a mutual decision to end the relationship. Granted, that takes a level of maturity that some don’t possess. The marriage vows, the covenant, and the promise to be faithful, should be binding and sacred – not taken lightly. We should never enter or exit that contract casually, especially when there are children involved
I also, equally, dislike women who cheat on their husbands. Even as a child watching the stage version of Camelot, I knew something was very wrong. Guinevere was beautiful and she loved Arthur, and he LOVED her completely, so why did she have to ‘get it on’ with Lancelot? (Other than the fact that his name was Lancelot?) What? She had no self-control? She just gave way to her animal urges? Really? Sorry, but the, “I couldn’t help myself” defense is just pathetic.
If you’ve read the book, “Loving Frank,” by Nancy Horan, you’ll know that Frank Lloyd Wright fell in love with Mamah Cheny while he was designing a house for her and her husband. Mamah ended up leaving her husband and two small children in Oak Park, Illinois to flee to Europe with Wright. Wright left his wife and SIX children to be with Mamah. Romantic? Or, disgraceful? I’m going with disgraceful and unconscionable. If you must leave your spouse, do it the RIGHT way, not the WRIGHT way. PS – it didn’t end up so well for Mamah.
Another creative soul, Hemingway, left his first wife and children to become a serial husband. I think we know how that ended up.
Does anyone one think that King Henry the VIII was a cool cat for beheading his wives and moving on to new conquests?
Is there a cheater and liar, someone who has deceived and caused pain to another, that we can feel warm and fuzzy toward? Woody Allen? How about Arnold Schwarzenegger? Prince Charles? Tiger Woods? Oh, I know, Jesse James! And don’t we all love Kristen Stewart? She’s the best.
Psychologically speaking, one theory suggests that people who act out this kind of self-defeating behavior are usually trying to re-create the feeling of shame or the feeling of carrying some sort of secret, from their past. Why? They do this, because on some subconscious level, beginning in their formative years, they learned to loathe themselves. They carry with them a deep sense of shame – I’m bad, unlovable, defective, worthless, you get the idea – that kind of shame. (They learn this at home) By sneaking around and doing something that they know is wrong, and risking getting caught, they recreate the same shameful feeling from their childhood. They’ll prove to themselves, “See, I am bad. My mother and, or, father, was right.” They perpetuate that earlier message because it’s familiar. There’s also the secondary gain of feeling temporarily powerful or in control. There are other reasons, but I won’t get into them now. Arrogance and narcissism, though they appear to be 180 degrees from low self-esteem, are actually born from deep insecurity and feelings of inferiority. Someone who blatantly cheats and lies to their spouse is likely stuck in an adolescent mind-set. Emotionally these individuals are age 15, or there about, and are unable to feel someone else’s pain. It’s ego run amok with adult privileges.
It takes an emotionally intelligent and strong individual to recognize all of this and work to eliminate this self-defeating behavior. It can be done. No one could ever self-approve of living a lie. It’s not possible – only if it is twisted, rationalized, intellectualized and denied. It’s damaging to the already damaged self. Until this deep emotional work is done, they will continue to be unhappy in their lives and repeat the pattern. Self-defeating behavior, of any kind, first feels exciting and powerful, but in the long run it further damages your sense of self by reinforcing the negative message from your past. The only way out is to choose self-affirming behaviors which will lead to self-approval. Hurting other people, running and hiding and telling lies, does not lead to self-approval. Working on your marriage/relationship will.
Do you see any similarities in these women who were cheated on? What about the men who cheated on them? 
I’ve read a couple of articles saying that it’s unnatural for humans to be committed to just one person for the rest of their lives.
I told my sister that if I should become involved at this late age, I would rather it be an open relationship. She said she wouldn’t be able to do something like that because there would be jealousy lurking.
While I definitely don’t go for married men or men seeing other women — I thought this might be a better arrangement with the independence that I’ve cultivated over the years. It would be a “Don’t ask, don’t tell” relationship.
I wonder if some of the cheaters you mentioned might have benefited by telling partners that they simply couldn’t be committed to just one person — but I guess they might not have been conscious of that.
I don’t think the marriage model works for all of us, myself included. My boyfriend proposed to me, but the marriage never happened — and thank God! I never fantasized about being married anyway. I intuitively knew it was something that wouldn’t fit me. I’m too free-spirited.
I think you’re right, marriage is definitely not for everyone. It shouldn’t be entered into casually. If you know yourself well enough, and feel like your freedom is something you can’t live without, then obviously, you’re wise to stay away from the contract of marriage.
I’ve read articles that say being committed to one person is unnatural, too. I don’t think it’s that black or white, I don’t see it as a one size fits all situation. I think there are lots of variations on marriage. For every person who wanders there is another who holds it sacred and dear. Look at the animal kingdom. I know that Elephants mate for life, as do Geese. I’m sure there are plenty of others – I’m just no Marlin Perkins! haha!
Anyway, I think you have tremendous self-awareness and it’s probably saved you a lot of heart ache, Sandee. Bottom line though, if someone is in a contractual relationship like marriage, they owe it to themselves and their partner to verbalize their feelings and work their way out of the relationship, rather than acting out impulsively, lying, cheating, hiding, and practicing general deception. Yes, being truthful can be difficult and uncomfortable — WELCOME TO ADULTHOOD!! The self defeating behaviors of avoidance (lying, cheating, hiding, etc.) make things 1000 times worse and causes unnecessary pain and suffering.
This is fascinating. I…love…this…post. I’d better read it again so I can make a thoughtful and not a visceral comment. In a minute, but for now…
You go, girl!
V
I was going to ask you if I should trash it. I was feeling maybe it was too much? I’m glad you enjoyed it. I wrote it from a visceral place – sometimes that can be quite liberating. 🙂
Lisa xox
I’m with you. If it gets to the point that something needs to be found outside of a monogamous relationship, (wo)man up and say it instead of sneaking around and upsetting everyone.
Exactly! Well said. “If you love someone, showing them is better than telling them. If you stop loving someone, telling them is better than showing them.” That’s the truth. If you’re big enough to get into a relationship than you oughtta be big enough and (wo)man up to get out of it properly and thoughtfully. That’s the very least you can do.
Nice post madre! I too hate cheaters and don’t understand why anyone would want to hurt someone they love. I mean, I understand–how you said their thought process works, but you would think grow up adults could dismiss those thoughts. Ugh.
So far things are not looking up for Mamah. I have 9 chapters left….! Also, I hate the name Mamah.
Thanks, my Lil. The choice to cheat and lie is so destructive any which way you slice it. It hurts everyone, but probably, especially the one lying. It’s really so primitive and juvenile – on an adult that behavior is just ugly.
Haha! Mamah! I know, I didn’t like her name either. I think you’ll really LOVE the way the story ends. It bugs me how recent articles that examine her life like to applaud her and call her “modern.” Yeah, it’s really modern to leave your children. Boo hiss!
This is a complex subject, indeed. I feel litle sympathy for the shallow flitterers who cannot stay with a commitment. I feel sorry for those in a relationship which works, who suddenly find themselves in lasting love with another. Sometimes it is right for those relationships to break up; at others responsibilities should be shouldered. I have every sympathy for those like Prince Charles who have been forced by circumstances away from the love of their lives. Should he have stuck it out with Diana? Was the sham good for either of them? Who knows, but for the sake of the image of the Royal Family I think he should have – duty above self comes into it at that level.
Doing the sneaking thing, though, is never justified in my view.
I agree whole heartedly. I think the queen could have headed much of that heartache off at the pass if she had not been so tied up in the belief that Charles had to marry a virgin bride from a certain family, blah blah blah. He made his love for Camilla Parker Bowles abundantly clear but was, I think, made to marry Diana with the idea that he could have Camilla on the side. Diana knew she would be sharing him before she ever walked down the aisle. The whole thing was a sham, and because the intentions were false, the outcome for all was devastating.
Sneaking around seems so juvenile and cowardly. If a person want to get out of a marriage or relationship they need to step up and speak the truth. No good ever comes from that sort of deception.
Dear Gripping
The Dandy’s not sure where he stands on this one – probably closest to the notion that it is deceit rather the actual sexual transactions that are at the core of the problem.
Monogamy is not for everyone neither are Kispy Kreme doughnuts or Wagner.
Having the maturity to admit to oneself that a life of fidelity is not for you and seeking out someone(s) with the same mindset to the exclusion of hurting others who have a different view seems a perfectly honourable and I can conceive fulfilling existence.
Embroiling others in a web of lies and betrayals that can only ultimately cause pain is dishonourable and can eventually only to do damage to all concerned.
Yes, I think that’s what The Dandy thinks
Yours ever
The Perfumed Dandy
Yes, Dandy, it is the deceit that is much worse than the sexual transaction itself. I think the behavior that covers the truth is far worse. That’s where the real betrayal lies, at least in my opinion. The sexual transaction has very little weight next to a mountain of deceit.
Monogamy is not for everyone. When we enter into a relationship, falling in love and caring deeply for someone, it only seems right to keep this person apprised of any emotional changes of heart we might have. That’s the honorable thing to do. Sneaking around behind someone’s bad and telling lies is so very hurtful and unnecessary. I find this behavior deplorable.
I thank you for your thoughtful comment, especially since you and I are on the same page. 😉
Gripping
As someone who was cheated on, while I will never bear the burden of his deceit, the signs were there long before he hit the dusty road and I turned a blind eye. Many people are truly blind sided (some men & women are awesome actors) and for them my hands shake and I want to grab the wrong doer and ask “what the hell is wrong with you”.. For those like me who knew yet were so ingrained in the relationship, I say them leaving was the best thing they could ever do and I do bear some of the responsibility.. not for the cheating but for the knowing but not acting on it or making empty threats..
While unlike Sandee I prefer a monogamous relationship, I do know I have no desire to ever marry again.
Mothers leaving their children to be with a man is another post.. they set my back teeth on edge 😉
Oh yeah, mothers leaving there children to be with a man is chilling. Many of my clients have been the children of those selfish mothers. It’s beyond comprehension – I think for you and I who take mothering so seriously, it’s unconscionable. Talk about leaving behind emotional havoc. Ach!
The person in the relationship who is giving 100% of their energy to being the best they can be and loving unconditionally is never to blame. Some people, like myself, take those marriage vows very seriously and love hard, maybe even more when they sense there is something wrong with a spouse. A wound that needs extra care and patience and kindness. That’s me. I’m loyal to the core, and obviously to my own emotional detriment. 😦
Weak Cowards cheat– too wrapped up in the earthly temptations and not thinking of the larger spiritual path they should be paving. They cannot see the bigger,more rewarding picture.
It is hard not to worry and wonder at times because there is so much infidelity out there.
I do think you can be committed and in love with one person for life.Is it fate? Karma? Stars aligned just right? I don’t know. Obviously from the comment stream, we all have a different slant.
I love the subtle humor … some undesirable philandering dudes and dudettes.
haha! It’s funny because even as a child I knew it was so wrong and it would upset me. Flitting about and never creating roots, to me, seems sort of sad and empty. I’m looking for quality not quantity.
I think you’re right. There’s a much bigger eternal picture but apparently not everyone sees it or understands it. I don’t see how you can feel good about yourself if you are dishonest and hurt the ones you supposedly love.
It is interesting to see the different answers. We have some strong personalities in our little sphere – I think it’s good.
I don’t know how and why some people are blessed with a lifetime of love and others are not. Only God knows that. I guess He provides ways for us to grow and be challenged individually but we don’t always understand what it’s all about.
haha! I tried to make it mildly amusing. Glad you liked it.
Cheaters never prosper is a famous quote for a reason.
Even non-relationship wise cheaters almost always get what’s coming to them. Frankly I think cheating in some forms is a good thing when no one gets hurt. Relationship-wise though it’s never good.
Have you ever heard of Dolly Madison? Not the president’s wife, the website. It’s actually called Ashley Madison but I want to have the Dolly Madison reference in here.
Anyway, they are basically a dating/prostitution service for married men. They advertise mostly on the radio, especially satellite. A radio show I used to listen to called Ron and Fez had to do live reads. This is something Ron might saying during a live read for Ashley Madison.
“You’re not just cheating on your wife, you’re cheating on your children and everyone’s emotions! Ashley Madison provides the perfect service for anyone looking to psychologically damage those they care about.”
He read it in complete radio promotion style. Cheating has become less taboo, especially for the younger generation. I think a lot of it starts young when people aren’t in real relationships and they just like the drama of saying they were cheated on. I remember girls all the time complaining a guy cheated on them at 10 years old. No. There’s a big difference sweetie. Stop trying to get attention.
I think one big reason why some men cheat is because they are incapable of communicating problems. Honesty usually helps everything, relationships being placed near the top of the list.
Anyway x 2, nice post as usual with valuable knowledge about the world around us.
I think lack of communication is likely the biggest problem in relationships that leads to divorce. Cheating and lying in a “relationship” that is void of authentic love (something when we are young and stupid) is really not something that can be compared with the emotional trauma that comes from a long term relationship where love is felt deeply. If you add children in the equation it’s even worse. If you’re not pained and devastated and your walking around telling people you were cheated on because you think it’s cool, then you’re in a different sub-league. I don’t consider that a real relationship to begin with.
Bottom line, cheating is deplorable. It is a shame producing, dishonorable choice that selfish, immature, insensitive, and wounded/damaged people make.
This is a complex subject. Not because it’s a “simple” thing that it’s not good to cheat. No matter what. On your partner, on a test, to one up someone. Cheating may make one feel good for a time. It make “get you somewhere” quicker for a time. But always and inevitably, the cheater not only hurts the people he/she loves but hurts themselves as well. Some people cheat when they’re immature or as I’m sure you understand, childhood issues are never resolved and a person keeps doing whatever he/she can to bring that tension, drama, “home-like” feeling back into their lives. It replays over and over. Some never get off that merry-go-round, you know?
I don’t understand why men cheat or women cheat, but I really think it doesn’t have anything to do with desiring this person or that person. I think it has to do with the person who is doing the cheating. For whatever reason, what they have is never enough. They’re always searching for more and most likely have a very low opinion of themselves. And that’s a kind of hell on earth. I’m not excusing this behavior but I do pity those who do it.
I agree. That’s basically what I tried to say in that one paragraph – probably not so well. I’m with you in that it stems from a childhood issue. It’s a shame cycle in the extreme. And I agree it is pitiful – very sad that the person lying and cheating is always on the run, always having to create more lies and look over their shoulder. A life of deception can’t be a happy one. I imagine if they lie so easily, that they have major trust issues – they perpetuate the trust issues by continuing to lie. A vicious cycle. I understand the behavior, but I don’t excuse it. It’s actually one of the more primitive and unevolved choices you can make – it shows a lack of moral integrity, sensitivity, and self-awareness. The behavior, in my opinion, is shame producing. It’s worse than other self-defeating choices because it causes pain to others.
For me, the deceit and betrayal is far worse than the sexual transaction, if you know what I mean?That seems meaningless in comparison.
It is complex and interesting to read everyone’s comments. People have strong feelings about this.
“It’s ego run amok with adult privileges.” I loved that line. Great post.
haha! Thank you! I was writing from my gut, as you can probably tell. 🙂
Reading the comments and your responses was as interesting as reading the post…and the post was V-E-R-Y interesting…I agree the lies, the shame, the cover-ups, the deceit is painful for everyone…no one ever falls (or out-right decides to) alone…we all know the old saw about the grass being greener on the other side of the fence, but it still needs to be mowed…yet from the powerful and wealthy to the losers and poverty stricken, male and female, educated and uneducated, witty and the dull…it seems to make no difference…we go astray and think we’ll never get caught…that somehow our situation is different…there are many things regarding the inner workings of the mind that I don’t understand…this is right up there near the top of the list…and yet I was once one of those who simply would not conform to monogamy…I played the game…I lied, I cheated, I did backflips, whatever was necessary to have my cake and eat it too…so to speak…only when I met Susie did I understand what love is…and how to be in a relationship of trust…be encouraged!
I have tried to be the Susie to my Neil. I can imagine how she lovingly helped to get you on another path. I do think that you were ready Stephen – something in your heart (something healthy and pure) had seen and done enough, and you were ready to accept Susie’s love when she presented it. That makes all the difference. The shame of this behavior is like an addiction, it’s a cycle that perpetuates itself and uses lies and deceit for fuel. It’s very sad. I despise the behavior – never the person. Who ever is acting out in this way is undoubtedly living in their own self-made hell. It’s very sad and destructive to all those people in the path.
Thanks for your honest and encouraging comment! You’re the best!! xoxo
Lisa
You are right Lisa, it is a “self made hell.” Only it doesn’t look that way from the outside and it doesn’t feel that way on the inside, until you slow down and listen to that still small voice who always tells you the Truth. Of course you know the Truth when you are living as a cheat, but a friend of mine put it rather succinctly when he said, “I know the Truth, I just prefer not to hear it now.”
Our hearts go out to you Lisa…we wish you only the best as you get through this…and as always…if there is anything Susie and I can do, please, please, please do not hesitate to ask…we believe in you.
Be encouraged!
Hehehe, for once judging on the looks, hm? But I guess you’re right, because you mostly are! It’s a sad thing there’s so much cheating…
You’ve heard the expression, “Pretty is, as pretty does.” Well, I think we can say, “ugly is, as ugly does” – and it’s very evident from these pictures that this is true. 😉
I agree that the problem lies with the person doing the cheating, especially if the ones he or she cheats with is basically a revolving door. Some serial cheaters are extremely charming and manipulative; one had me drinking the Kool-Aid big time. The hypocrisy was deafening, though – because he called himself very devout and a family man. Some friends on Facebook think he is the greatest. He’s not. I think he justified his infidelities and called himself forgiven, by God. Only problem? He, I’m certain, has learned nothing from his mistakes and will continue to cheat. I was wrong to ever get involved with him, and I regret it. Emotions truly blocked me from clearly seeing how wrong it really was. I am convinced he is destined for failure, because as they say, nothing can be built on the unhappiness that we create for others. He was willing to lie and cheat on his wife, he lied and cheated on many others and there is no trust. He is doomed to be an unhappy man, and worst of all, does not seem to ever learn how to change his behavior. Or maybe he simply isn’t strong enough to. Either way, I spent the entire time trying to get away from him, finally did, and there will never be a time in my life when I will do this again. I agree 100% that it’s done out of pure selfishness, feeding the ego, and at the core, a tremendous insecurity.
Amen to all of your comment. Some of these people are very charming and because they live in their own delusional world they are extra persuasive. They can be very charismatic, which really ends up being part of their sickness. I really like what you wrote about nothing can be built on the unhappiness we create for others. That’s the truth and it’s very satisfying to see it in print. When they don’t learn from their mistakes you can be sure that they are locked in a cycle of addiction. I’m sorry you had that experience, but obviously, you are light years away from the man that took you down this path. Thanks for that great and thoughtful comment. Good stuff.
Lisa
Must be something in the water in Oak Park…both Wright and Hemingway lived there 🙂
That’s true! I didn’t even think about that! I don’t live far from there – like 25 minutes.
Did you say you were starting a Wellness Workshop this week?
http://imgur.com/HYrd5kb
That’s my version of sending you roses (and I hope the link works). xox, V
Awww…. Those roses are lovely, V. What a beautiful arrangement. So thoughtful 🙂 Thank you.
The first class was a success! I had 12 women packed into my living room for an hour and a half this afternoon.This group seemed to be very open and receptive to the material. I think it will be a good run.
Vickie, you’re so kind to have remembered. Life is so busy — it’s those little gestures from caring friends that make all the difference. Xoxox Lisa
You know how I feel about this subject, and you did an excellent job explaining the whole thing. You should do a post on how this can cause problems for the children. Mine still suffer, all these years later. Anne thought she’d never marry and Bud has declared his intentions to remain single. Thanks for this. (Aunt Lee’s neighbor gave me their wireless code. Hurrah for nice neighbors)
I agree. Even when children are grown it’s still destructive to their sense of security and family. Lily is livid. She feels abandoned, so does my Bud. I still can’t wrap my head around the behavior. I think what leafstrewngirl wrote was very true. Nothing can be built on the unhappiness you create for others. These choices cause permanent damage – if one thinks they can shake them off and walk away, they’re sadly mistaken.
I can definitely say I’ve never cheated on anyone although I was at one point “the other man” for about a year and a half. Not that I was proud of it but I wasn’t friends the the girls boyfriend or anything so I can live with it. Though since then I find it extremely hard to trust women I have relationships with because if she could do that to her boyfriend, whose to say my girlfriends weren’t doing the same to me? I’ve opted for the single life for the time, it seems to be the way forward.
You mean you were a boy toy? Haha! You could probably make a good living being a male prostitute, Pete. Only kidding, but not really. 😉
Yeah, I’m not the cheating type. I think if you’re married you’d better work at your relationship and take the commitment seriously. Anything less is a disgrace.
I guess I was the boy toy! I was younger than her and a lot younger than her boyfriend by about ten years haha. Definitely don’t see myself getting married any time soon. Just seems like a massive waste of money. As I keep telling my friend that’s just asked me to be an usher at his wedding haha.
Hahaha!
Sent from my iPad
Oh what a good post and what a collection Of knowledge in the comments. I have no idea why people cheat though When I think about my dad’s cheating, I think the trouble started because of alcohol. I think if there would have never been any drinking those cheating doors would have never been opened. I know it sounds simplistic but when it comes to serious bad destructive decisions alcohol has always been involved.
I think you’re right. Alcohol seems to be the culprit for A LOT of misbehavior. I took down all the pictures of the men and women who have been caught cheating – it was a motley group. When you compare them to the beautiful women they cheated on it’s startling. (they were even too ugly for my post!) It remindes me of that Joe Jackson lyric, “Pretty women out walking with gorillas down my street.” What Woody Allen did to Mia Farrow was deplorable. I remember him saying, “The heart wants, what the heart wants.” Isn’t that the difference between evolved and enlightened people and animals? Shouldn’t he have a moral compass that tells him that having sex with his step daughter is wrong and grotesque? What’s wrong with people?
The post may not have been so “random” tee hee.
Oh you are so right Lisa! Woody Allen is such a perfect example of the ego gone berserk! My god! He’s a dangerous sexual predator. And he ended up marrying Soon Yi ONLY because he wanted to protect his image. I’m sure he had no intention of marrying her otherwise. I watched his newest documentary and he acts like a broken man who hates himself. What is wrong with people? How do they get so off track!!
You’re so right! I think they deserve each other. GROSS! He absolutely looks broken and like he hates himself. I think we start looking like our character. I would not want to look back in my rear view mirror if that was my life. How very pathetic.
My heart hurts for you. I want to share something with you and I am taking a chance because I have grown to care about our friendship so I know this is a touchie subject.
I have a few friends married to cheaters. And I have cried and hated with them. I have judged cheaters all my life. Funny, I have always thought… if you have to go outside of your vows, the only way to do it, is to tell your spouse so that they have the same option. It is so not fair to play anyone while you are having your cake and eating it too. Well, I have to come clean here. I had a blip in my life about two years ago. Not a married man by any sense of the word. But I was married. Maybe not happily but comfortably married. In a rut. When my first love facebooked me. Our break up damaged me to the core. I was honest with my husband. He knew our story and how I HATED my first. He even thought, maybe if we connected (talking) I could get closure and it would make ME a better person. He didn’t give me his blessings but he did give me permission. I was not sneaking. At first at least.
Well, I was bored and feeling unappreciated and this guy came back in my life. He had loved my dad. I had loved his mom (both now gone) He asked for forgivness, he allowed me to talk about my horrible memories. It was validating. He told me that he realized that I was married and that he did not want anything but friendship. He told me he was sorry that he let me go and knew he wasn’t entitled to feel jealous but was. That he had looked for me because he was going through a men’s mentoring group at church and apologizing was part of the process. We got caught up with the memories, which weren’t all bad. And the curiosity…I guess. He sent me a Kindle (which I sent back when my husband found out)
Well, you can imagine the next chapter.
We were playing with fire. Not an opportunity that God was making for us….
I guess my point here and why I am sharing this (NOW that I have snapped out of it!!!) is sure there are some cheaters that know exactly what they are doing. But some don’t start out that way. They are blindsided by how fast it can snowball into something neither one expected.
I hope this doesn’t totally destroy our connection but I felt that I had to come clean. I couldn’t read this wonderful piece and click on LIKE without sharing this since I have posted some of my chapters on my blog and it is based on the abuse I experienced when I was younger. And now I have material for the ending of my book. The message is you can’t go back and in the end, a leopard does not change his spots as much as we would like to believe.
By the way, I never in a million years would have pegged me as a cheater. I guess I was going through something… looking for romance. But have realized I had it all along. I mean how romantic can you get… my husband still loves me.
Oh, Diane, you’re so sweet. Thanks for sharing that. The difference between you and the sort of cheater I speak of, is that your intentions and motivations were coming from a different place. I think you’re highly sensitive and would never disregard someone’s feelings and act casually about an attraction, especially when it heated up. You don’t have a malicious bone in your body and would never act casually about hurting someone. Obviously we’re all human and imperfect and we’re presented with multiple temptations throughout our life. Your situation seems innocent and more like a learning experience, a quick detour on your journey. You probably figured out that it was leading you off your intended path and didn’t like that feeling. The fact that you never lost touch of that awareness says a lot. I also think your dalliance was coming from an empty cup – that makes me sad. Feeling unloved or unappreciated and looking for validation from another is very human.
I think it’s the cover up; the years of lying, hiding, betraying and sneaking around that is the most awful behavior. The sexual attraction and acting out, to me, is almost a lesser offense. It’s what we have to do to cover our tracks that turns us into people we don’t want to be. You’re not in this category – not even close. I’m not the judge of anyone. I try to separate behavior from a person’s spirit. In doing that, I’m able to dislike certain behavior, but always feel love and compassion for the person struggling and making self-defeating choices. You and I know that it is a requirement. Forgiveness. We also know that we have the atonement to lean back on – Heavenly Father knows that we’re not perfect and that we’d never make it back to live with Him if not for the atoning sacrifice of His son. I find that all very comforting. 🙂
You’re a good and wonderful friend and a bright and beautiful spirit that I’m lucky and privileged to know. xoxox
You are amazing. I wish we lived closer. I got a small taste of the covering my tracks. My daughter actually called me when we finally met. To this day, I don’t know why I answered the phone. But if you have kids… you just answer. You don’t think. You wonder if they need you. She asked me what I was doing… it was an innocent casual question. It would be almost funny now if I weren’t so ashamed, I must have known I couldn’t lie to her. It was so stupid. She heard something in my voice. I was never going to ask my child to not tell her dad. I promptly went home and told him. It’s kind of funny but as I write this…. I realize that what my FL wanted to believe (that we were a GOD thing) was ridiculously not…. but that phone call… I am beginning to suspect may have been. 😉
Thank you for your understanding. This post was wonderful and I just couldn’t not share my experience…
Someday, maybe you will write a book. You write in a way that you take the words out of your reader’s heads and they think ~ “that is just what I was thinking!”~
When things aren’t as raw for you… I bet you might just have a BEST SELLER in all this. I mean that just might be the lemonade part of this lemons deal you have gotten!
I wish we lived closer, too. 🙂
I hate cheating to the bottom of my infesting core. Whenever I see or read a cheater’s character I can’t help but hate on them. My dad cheated. My mom never did at first, but eventually she did too. Eventually they separated (though it’s not the only reason, but one of the VERY) leaving us kids in a really awful spot. Thank God that’s a past as pasts can go now. But I can still remember all the pain back then. When I have my first serious relationship, I never thought I would cheat on him. After more than three years, why, I did. It sucked. I hated myself for the few months that it lasted. Eventually I told my boyfriend about it because I can’t bear the guilt already. He was wrecked and THAT wrecked me. How can I be so selfish, inconsiderate, an utter and complete idiot?! But the awesomest thing happened, the guy forgave me. I have never met anyone as good as my love yet. Eventually I forgave myself too. And we’ve worked through our problems and are still doing great now two years later. But there’s still guilt on my part, and that’s because of the other guy. I know I’ve hurt him. And I know maybe he could never forgive me for not “choosing” him. Ever. And that just leaves you feeling bad about yourself, doesn’t it? Knowing you’ve hurt someone deeply. And that he doesn’t forgive you for it. And maybe he won’t. But it’s his right. And you do have to pay the price for all the wrong you did. That is why I HATE CHEATING TO THE BOTTOM OF MY INFESTING CORE because it’s nothing but a mean cause of needless human suffering. As if there isn’t enough going on in the world. The world would be a much better place without this vile thing, thank you very much.
What a brave soul you are to share this. I think some of us are looking for romance, we feel misunderstood and unappreciated and in a rut. But how romantic is it when the one who we have hurt forgives us? I think that we make a big mistake trying to get the “feeliing” back but love is not just about feelings and you have learned that so I don’t need to tell you. You have a keeper! God Bless you! And good for you for choosing to break the pattern your parents started! The good thing about childhood is that we get a second chance to do it right and make our own choices. What we see didn’t work for our parents… has gotta be the lesson we take with us to not repeat the same mistakes. Good job, moving on!
Thank you for the kind words. I have read your story and thought you didn’t do a bad job yourself. And yes, yes, he IS a keeper. God bless you. 🙂
I teach an emotional wellness class and we were just discussing how things from our childhood, unresolved emotions, have a way of rearing their ugly head when we become adults. as long as we can look with our eyes wide open, retrace the steps, and process the subconscious choices so that we don’t repeat them, I think we’re doing all that we can. If you are a feeling and sensitive person, the guilt is punishment enough and usually leads to making ammends. If you’re a person with no conscience then there’s no guilt and no learning or growth. Those are the people that turn my stomach.
Thank you for sharing this personal story – my dad cheated on my mom and treated her badly. I know it takes a long time to get past those wounds from our childhoods. We do the best we can and with the love and support of our friends ( like Diane) we can soar to new heights. 🙂
I love you LIsa. Those in your class are very blessed… though I am sure they know it!
Have a blessed day!
I love you too, Diane. You’re always so thoughtful and kind. 🙂
Thank you for sharing this honest, thought-provoking post. I agree with you 100%. Indeed cheaters loathe themselves…how true…how else would he/she be able to participate in such insensitive, self-centered behavior? The sad part is that the pain caused by a cheater’s bad behavior affects EVERYONE–including the children–forever. I know firsthand. I was married to a philandering SOB for 19 years. The scars he left on me are unimaginable; as far as the scars he left on the kids go…well, I just pray that they are able to attain healthy relationships one day. Childhood trauma/drama…there really aren’t any excuses for this low-life behavior…if adults want to screw around–fine–just get out of the marriage first! What a no-brainer!
What a great comment! I totally agree. They have no foresight and can’t see the lives that they are impacting. They have no sensitivity or empathy because they hate themselves. The relationship we have with others is the one we have with ourself so yeah, it’s very sad. Bottom line, it’s an extremely selfish choice and one that leads down a path of more self hatred, not less. Yeah,, I feel for my kids, too. It’s so damaging. The whole thing is so unnecessary. You’re right, it’s a no brainier.
Thanks again for the thoughtful and honest comment!
Lisa
according to one school of thought, our life is a bundle of appetite and passions. I think fulfilment of a momentary desire brings joy whereas an appetite can never be satisfied. So if I have a momentary desire to make love to someone I consider beautiful, fulfilment of that desire does lead to happiness. However if I have an appetite to get close to women, then no matter what I do, my life will always be incomplete and unsatisfied.
So we really need to view humans in light of this difference between desire and appetite.Every act of infidelity does not have the intention of hurting the partner. The intention is to seek the fulfilment of a strong desire. In some cases the strength of this desire is way stronger than the realization of the consequences of that action on the feelings of one’s partner. Can a man be blamed for actions that may be beyond his control?
This is interesting. I suppose I was probably speaking of those with an appetite who also happen to lack basic sensitivity. I could and have forgiven momentary desire – we are human, after all. It is the deceit, lies and betrayal that accompany the behavior or choice that I find so troubling. An indiscretion is not so bad when the person is honest with you. A mountain of lies, on the other hand, that get told to cover tracks and maintain a secret life or secret appetite, this is unacceptable. It is motivated by fear. I find this person to be very un-evolved.
Raunak, I think man can be blamed for all of his actions – nothing is beyond our control. Is it? This is what separates us from animals, the fact that we can think and reason through our choices and behavior. That’s not to say it’s easy, but following an internal moral compass has to be possible. If man is not to blame for his actions because they are “beyond his control” we would have a lawless society. You’re smarter than I am, so maybe I’m wrong?
Specifically, what is beyond man’s control with regard to his actions?
I’m not smarter Lisa 🙂 There are certain laws of nature that are beyond our control, for examle, the law of gravity. Similarily I think there are laws of action and morality that may be beyond the control of humans.
What drives human action? The Epicurean thought says that it is “the need to rid the body of pain and the soul of trouble”. From this I draw, that if my soul is troubled due to an unfulfilled desire, and if the law of “the need to rid the body of pain and the soul of trouble” is true then my action to fulfil my desire is beyond my control.
Do let me know if I’m completely wrong here…there’s a great chance that I may be 🙂
You mention gravity but that’s not an action or choice that is made by man. Trust me, if it were, I wouldn’t be looking at my aging female body with such dismay. haha!
I still don’t believe that there are laws or action of morality that are beyond our control.
We have a choice as to how we will “rid the body of pain and the soul of trouble.” I can think of many examples.
I’ll self-disclose here. I’ve been deeply depressed as of late, the emotional pain unbearable at times. There is a part of me that has considered pulling the car in the garage and ending it. I’ve never been this low before. I also feel reckless. I don’t drink or take drugs or have any of those sorts of habits, but I think about what it would be like to self-medicate with such things. My pain has been so great that it has caused me to want to isolate, numb myself, and “go off the grid,” as my children would say. Ah, but through all of my significant pain I have a choice on how I rid my soul of trouble. One path is easy and immediate. It’s self-destructive, self defeating and does not lead to happiness, it also has consequences for other people. It’s a temporary fix. The other, more difficult path/choice, is to push myself through the pain. This would mean that I would make choices to stay socially plugged in, talk about my feelings, and pursue healthy things like exercise, improve my diet, get more rest, increase self-care and in the process, increase self-approval. This choice would lead to real long term happiness. Of course it’s not easy. The point is, Raunak, there is a choice! What a wonderful blessing that we get to choose our paths in the midst of such tormenting pain.
I’m not sure who it was that stated that in the Nazi concentration camps, though these people were stripped of everything possible, they still had a choice, they still had their thoughts and could think what they wanted. No one could take this away from them. At no point are we beyond our own control.
Nelson Mandela is another example. Twenty-eight years in prison and he chose to stay in good spirits, to study and to put his energy into all that was positive. I don’t think he would agree with you that when his soul was troubled, and his need was to rid himself of pain that any of it was beyond his control. On the contrary, it was because he could control his thoughts and actions that he emerged a highly evolved and enlightened spirit.
We have a choice in all things relating to our behavior – unless there is an outside force making you behave in a certain way, a figurative gun to your head, etc. It may not feel like we have a choice, but we do. No action/choice is beyond our control.
If you can give me an example of a behavior or choice that is beyond your control, I’d like to hear it. I think it is the divine part of our spirit that knows it has a choice. God has given us the ability to self-govern. He has given us our agency. How we self-govern is completely up to us.
Smile… Lisa… I saw this and wondered how you would reply. You nailed it with that question… Just smiling;)
Thanks, Diane! haha! It made me stop and think, that’s for sure.
Perhaps nothing bad happens that can’t use us and if we don’t step up to be used than it was all for nothing. You my dear Lisa, are a TEACHER!!!!! You have taught here. May “they” learn!!!!
AMEN Sister! 😉
Diane you are so kind. I love Raunak because he makes me think, he challenges my beliefs and I end up learning a few things myself. I once had a blessing given to me and it said that I had the gift to teach. It’s funny, but in my family tree I come from a long line of teachers, and I do love to teach and to be the student, too.
I think you’re right when you say all of our “stuff” is grist for the mill. We can put it to good use – even the stuff that seems “bad.”
I love you for your encouragement and for loving me, when I most need it. You’re like a healing balm to me — seeing your smiling face and reading your words is always a sweet comfort. xoxoxox
I love our exchange. It is very respectful. But I love that you nudge each other out of the box. I kind of GET what he is saying because of my own blip. It is like GRAVITY almost… 😉
(not going to totally say that you have absolutely NO control!) But it does kind of overwhelm you in a firehose kind of way. As if you can’t not do what you are doing. But I did stop even when I didn’t want to and now I look back and see the damage I did and the damage control I was in charge of.
Your points were right on and technically and morally you are right!
As always you teach me!
When Thanksgiving hit you… I was on my way out but not quite… still in contact… your broken heart smacked me upside the head and made me ask myself what the heck are you doing to your life Diane? I may never have had that reality check so head on if I had not grown to love you. God crosses all our paths so DIVINELY. How could we not believe?
YOU my friend were my divine appointment before you ever had an inkling.
You can go on a speaking tour and I will manage you! lol.
I meant I loved YOUR exchange with Raunak not our exchange just to clarify the worst line.
I mean I love our exchange too but just wanted the first sentence to make sense. 😉
One more thing… there are choices that lead up to the firehose moment…right? Maybe those choices are just as important, if not more important, than the final decision/choice? Just thinking…?
(Whoops sorry about posting that twice… I just saw that!)
I love you Lisa! I love being your soul sister! If nothing else ever came out of this blogging business, you’ve been one of the best little serendipidy parts of it hands down!
awww…. the feeling is SOOOO mutual. I guess that’s why we are soul sister? xoxoxoxoxo!!!!
I meant I love YOUR exchange with Raunak… I mean I love ours too… lol. But I meant your not our~ Just to clarify that first line….
“God crosses our paths so DIVINELY.” Those words, I’ve come to know, are so very true. I guess I didn’t realize that the timing for both of us was so perfect. That amazes me. Well, you are my soul sister, Diane. There is no doubt in my mind that we will meet one day and hug it out, and probably cry! LOL!!
Have a beautiful day, my sweet friend. 🙂
xoxox
PS – if I ever went on speaking tour (haha!) I would for sure take you with me!
Because of a recent–dare I call it conversation?–with Mother, I came back to this particular posting, which has stayed in my head since you wrote it.
Mother left my Dad for another man. I was on vacation, visiting the family, and upon waking one morning, I found my Gran crying in her room. I walked back into the enormous master suite to find it full of suitcases and clothing and her two best friends. One was telling her she was making a huge mistake. The other was urging her to hurry up, they had to leave for the airport. I asked:
Mother, what are you doing? I just got here. Where are you going?
She replied:
I’m leaving your Dad. (at this point I literally sank down to sit on the floor) You know we don’t get along. (umm, no, I didn’t) I met someone a few years ago (wait, what?) and we are in love and we are moving to New Mexico together. (where??)
The whole time, she was packing and chattering with her friend who helped with the packing. I asked who this man was.
You don’t know him. (thank goodness for small favors) He’s married with four children (so, 7 kids between you. well done!) and is a mineral engineer. He’s Catholic, but, I’m okay with that. (thank goodness for small favors). Okay, I’m ready to go. Tell our brothers I love them and I’ll call when I’m settled (they were 14 & 8) and let your Daddy know what happened.
Wait. Let my Dad know? You mean, he has no idea, and you are letting ME tell him your wife has left you. Oh, and what do you want for dinner?
Good times.
I’d never told her how it broke me that day. Her laughter, her blowing off everyone–parent, spouse, children–to have what she wanted. Her puzzlement over my shock that she was leaving me, a 19 year old, to deal with the pieces she left behind. So, there in the car, I told her.
She scoffed at it, turned it to ask how my children felt when I was divorced. I pointed out I had been left, and they were hurt, and, it had nothing to do with the subject. As with all narcissistic personalities, she refused to address her wrongdoings and continued on about my divorce.
Go figure.
How did it end up? He left her for a younger woman. My brothers have never forgiven her, and I struggle to be amiable. You never recover from a cheating parent. You can repair it a bit, but, that bond of trust is broken forever.
Wow! She really made some devastating choices, didn’t she? It’s inconceivable how a person can be so insensitive, selfish and destructive. And yet they, these “people” walk the planet. My dad cheated on my mom, too. As it turned out he was a “serial marrier” that’s what he tells people as he laughs. 5 marriages and we know the common denominator for bad unions is obviously him. He sucks at relationships. Nice legacy to leave your children.
Sorry for your earlier pain, trauma and suffering. I guess maybe we could form a club? 🙂
The great children of sucky parents club.
Have a good night, Miss Addie. Xoxo