Chisaya mama

I believe I’m about to rattle a lot of people’s cages with this post. Brace yourself. I want to tell the world, or my immediate world, stop trying to make quinoa happen. Why, because it’s not happening. I’m not at all ready to adopt and adapt to an ancient grain-like seed, known to the Incas as, chisaya mama or, ‘mother of all grains.’

I’m pretty sure these Bolivian farmers are laughing at us.

According to Wikipedia, “Quinoa is a pseudocereal rather than a true cereal or grain, as it is not a member of the grass family.” There you have it, straight from Wikipedia.

First of all, I’ve needed lessons on how to pronounce it.

ME: “Qwin-oh-ah”

EVERY ONE ELSE: “Qin-wah” or “Keen-wah”

I don’t pick up on these things easily. The fact that it has a crazy name only intimidates me and prevents me from ordering/buying it. The makers of Quinoa need to know this. I personally don’t like feeling self-conscious. I feel the same way about the name Joaquin, as in Joaquin Phoenix. (The ONLY reason I ever allowed myself to learn his name and to like him is because he’s an animal rights advocate.) Second, some people seem way too comfortable with it, as if they grew up on it, as if it’s the same as Corn Flakes or Rice Crispies – the only two grains I approve of – and it’s not even close. Third, it came out of nowhere. How can I trust a food product that is closely related to, “beets, spinach and tumbleweeds?” Really? Tumbleweeds? When was the last time you felt like you were tumbleweed deficient? Fourth, it feels like a trendy, hipster, cool food to be involved with – like going to an oyster bar or Starbucks. I don’t like the type it attracts. Quinoa does not make you cool. It makes you an Inca wannabe. I’m just saying.

No comment.

Apparently the Spanish conquistadores forbade quinoa cultivation and forced the Incas to grow wheat instead. Okay, so the conquistadores were disgusting, barbaric, demonic, beasts. Still, on this one point I’ve gotta side with them. They knew what I know. It’s not gonna happen so don’t get too excited or involved. Sure, it’s having it’s day/year, the United Nations has declared 2013 International Year of Quinoa. (They are SO lame.) But I predict it will fall by the wayside like doo dads, Postum, and pizza flavored Doritos. Mark my words.

No one is going to be fooled by making quinoa into cookies.