Food Names I Refuse to Recognize


I was just at a sandwich shop called, Panera Bread, when I witnessed something sort of uncomfortable. A rather large and masculine looking man decided to order some corn bread from the bakery section. They were corn ‘muffin tops,’ so basically a thinner muffin. When he got to the register the cashier asked, “So, how many muffies?” To which this man, whose face was now red, said, “Excuse me?” The girl cheerfully explained, that what he was about to take home, were indeed called, “Muffies.” He was quite embarrassed. All I can say is I wouldn’t be caught dead ordering, “Muffies.”

Now I ask you, why should anyone have to suffer the embarrassment of having to order something with an undignified name? Maybe restaurants feel that they’ll make more money if they create ‘cute’ names for their food items? But why? I for one, would never order “Chocolate Chippies.” Those are pancakes with chocolate chips. Can’t we just call them by their proper name?

Chocolate Chippies... or chocolate chip pancakes. You choose.

Let’s face it, Taco Bell has some doozies, as does McDonald’s and Burger King. (Does Burger King still sell the “Whaler?”) If you go down to Mexico, do you really think you’re gonna find a “mexi-melt” anywhere or a “double decker taco supreme?” Now I see they’ve just added a “Volcano menu” which offers a taco with “lava sauce.” The good people of Mexico would cringe, they might even get angry if they saw how their native food is being abused and labeled. Well, maybe not the Mexicans that work at Taco Bell, they’ve accepted it, but those who live south of the Border probably think it’s an atrocity. The same thing goes for Pizza Hut. Do you think anyone in Italy is selling, “The ultimate cheese lovers pizza with stuffed crust?” I seriously doubt it. It’s just not authentic sounding, right?

Crunchwrap Supreme. No food should end in the word "supreme"

Even Starbucks has names that I refuse to use. There are 3, maybe 4 sizes in terms of food portions; small, medium, large, and extra large. I refuse to recognize “grande,”  “tall” or “short” or my least favorite, “venti.” Who are they kidding with that? Do YOU feel smarter, richer and superior if you order a “venti?”

Would you be caught dead ordering a “Dilly Bar” from Dairy queen? Or “Moons over my Hammy” from Denny’s? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I won’t eat it, I’m just not gonna say it.