A Life in Bullet Points
The Bronx, New York – 1908
- My grandmother’s sister, Lilly, age ten, was babysitting for her three-year old brother, Matthew, when she took her eyes off of him for a brief moment. It was just long enough for him to crawl on the train tracks and get run over by the trolley.
- The train took off baby Matthew’s legs and moments later he died. This incident would forever haunt my Aunt Lilly, altering the course of her life and negatively impacting future generations to come.
- Lilly grew up, got married, and had a son in 1924. She named him Matthew after the brother that had died in her care.
- When Mattie was a young man he fell in love with his childhood sweetheart, Virginia Green. His over protective mother did not like his girlfriend – she feared Virginia would take Mattie away from her. Mattie was used to his mother interfering in his life, and often felt responsible for her happiness. Lilly had smothered him, making him her sun, moon and stars, and he was the ever dutiful and loving son.
- When Virginia got pregnant, Lilly demanded that she abort the baby, stating that Mattie was not ready to get married and start a family.
- Virginia, deeply in love with Mattie, sadly followed Lilly’s instructions in hopes that they would eventually be married and things would be made right.
- Shortly after this incident, Mattie was called to serve in the Merchant Marines for a couple of years and promised Virginia that when he returned they’d get married.
- Virginia waited patiently for her fiancé’s service to end. She was very eager to start their life together.
- Not long after his return, Lilly, sensing the imminent marriage, and ever fearful of losing her son, demanded that Mattie postpone the wedding to get a 4 year college education. Lilly, still haunted by the past, would not loosen her grip. She would not allow Mattie to live his life outside of her control. Mattie was deeply conflicted.
- Virginia was beyond devastated as Mattie explained his mother’s terms. She knew in her heart that Lilly would never allow her son to have a life with her.
- Virginia’s father was a policeman. He kept his .38 caliber pistol on a shelf in the house.
- At this point, Virginia had been pushed to her breaking point. She took her father’s pistol and went over to Mattie’s house. Later, her father would state that she seemed “happy as a lark.”
- The papers read, “An attractive 21-year-old Bronx girl, daughter of a traffic cop, shot her 23-year-old fiance with her father’s service revolver early today in the kitchen of his home and then fatally wounded herself with a bullet to the brain. Matthew Kingston was shot once in the back, the bullet emerging from his chest. Both Matthew and Virginia were taken to Fordham Hospital. His condition was too serious for questioning and the motive remains a mystery. Present and asleep in the Kingston home at the time of the shooting was Matthew’s mother, Lillian Kingston.
My Auntie Lilly was eighty-five years old when she died. I have only wonderful memories of her. She lived in Florida and drove a cool turquoise car. She’d take my sisters and I shopping, played Crazy-Eights with us, and taught us how to roll cigarettes. She had a great sense of humor, though even as a child I sensed a pre-occupation, something heavy in her heart. I loved my Auntie Lilly.
The Aftermath
As with all incidents of this magnitude, there’s a psychological ripple that’s created. In my family, the ripple was more like a riptide. My grandmother, Ruth, Lilly’s younger sister, somehow processed these events to mean that life was treacherous and that no one could be trusted, especially not women. This is how she raised her son. My father. When my mother became pregnant at age 18 and married my father, she had no idea that she had entered into a family with this understanding of the world. Three daughters later, and the ripples are still being felt. It’s been over 100 years since baby Matthew lost his life.
Grippy,
I just don’t know what to say that would give justice to what you’ve written…
Eric
Thanks, Eric. I don’t think we fully recognize how life events, even from as far back as 100 years, can still be impacting our lives today. It’s not what happens to us that defines us, but how we process those events. Thanks. xoxo
Wow, Lisa this was so riveting! This sounds like a best-seller or something. Have you thought about that — developing it into a book?? You should because I certainly want to know more. It’s got everything!!
Did you name your daughter after Aunt Lilly?
WOW. Loved. This.
Thanks, Brig. Actually my husband thought of the name Lily and, because I had a happy family association with that name, I felt it was a good one. I didn’t really understand this story until I was grown. I’ve only recently pieced it all together and realized that my father’s attitude toward women and the dysfunction that he brought into his marriage to my mother, was directly related to the incident on the trolley tracks. It makes psychological sense that Lilly would have been a scared and clingy mother after what had happened to her.
I’d like to make it into a screenplay. I think it could be a good film.
Thanks again. Your input means a lot to me. xoxo
You should! I love the name Lily — I have a family member named that. She is feisty, strong, beautiful and doesn’t take any crap from anyone — sound familiar? Let me know if you need help with that screenplay — we could write together! But I’m sure you’ve got all the help you need, right? ;). xxoo
hahah! That sounds a lot like my child!
Thanks, I might take you up on that. I could always use help in the writing department, especially from those with a natural gift. : )
I’m with Eric. Gripping, indeed.
Thanks, so much. It was sort of hard to write, actually.
Wow, this is quite a sad, complicated tale. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks, John. I think it’s a story worth telling only because it shows how our choices/behavior can be motivated by fear. Had that earlier, seemingly unrelated incident not occurred, I don’t believe that Lilly would have become the controlling mother she was. I think it’s worth peeling back the layers of our lives and looking for events that might explain current attitudes and feelings.
Thanks, again.
Oh, Lisa. I hope you can feel the friendship and compassion and concern and, yes, love in those two words. You own my heart today.
Thanks Addie, my friend. The story doesn’t make me sad as much as it’s aftermath makes me disturbed. It’s so easy, when you stand back, and follow the course of events, to see why people are motivated to act as they do. It ends up being completely understandable. If baby Matthew had not gotten killed, if Lilly had not felt responsible and traumatized, the rest would likely not have happened.
My father’s hatred of women and total mistrust of the universe stems from this.
I’m glad I can see it so clearly. That understanding is a blessing.
I keep coming back to this in my head. How many lives were touched by one moment in time, how you managed to stop the behavior started long ago. How difficult it must have been to grow up with sisters and having a man who hated women for a father. Did your parents divorce, or, am I asking too personal a question? Have your sisters found this same understanding? I sure hope they have followed in your footsteps in that area.
Right. That’s one of the important layers, here. My dad is a misogynist. He’s scared of women and doesn’t trust them so he treats them very badly. It’s been a long hard road figuring all of this out. My dad doesn’t have the ability to see things accurately. I could never approach him with this because he’d get mad, deny it or dismiss it.
I’m a middle child so I was able to stay out of the fray (abuse) and observe. My sisters are smart but not emotionally intelligent in the same way I am. By the grace of God, I’m able to see things in their true perspective. My parents divorced when I was 14. My family is so dysfunctional that I am no longer talking to any of them. Is it any wonder that I became a therapist? I probably did it more for myself than anything else! hah!
My respect for you increases. I can see why you’ve removed yourself from those in your life, and, I hope you’ve found some solace in the distancing.
((hugs))
Hugs to you. : )
I just read Brigitte’s Blog and now yours. You ladies are really hitting it out of the ball park.. riveting indeed and I triple what Eric said. I am heading over to his blog now. I wonder what awaits me there…
Sigh… you can really write lady and you have quite a story to tell. I will be listening
Thanks, Audra. I’ve been sitting on this one for quite a while. I’d love to do something more with it because I love the psychology in it, and of course it’s deeply personal. Brigitte’s post was amazing today, as per usual. I love that topic, as well.
Thanks for the kind words, my sensitive friend. xoxo
This is one of those posts where you look at the comments box for like 10 minutes trying to figure out something intelligent to say. I’m coming up short. This is truly heartbreaking and breathtaking, Lisa. I can really see now why I need to get on Ancestry.
Thanks, Emily. It’s amazing to me how these stories from long ago are still relevant today – especially when you follow the psychological course they take and you arrive at your own current understanding of the world. Yeah, get on Ancestry.com and I bet you’ll see family patterns emerge. Some people feel shame and choose not to go digging around but I think if you can be open, there is so much to be gained. : )
The familial cycle whether it be one of love, insecurity, poverty, abuse, joy, etc..they go on and on until someone breaks the chain. Your story saddens me because the ripple effect of one child’s distraction is still felt in familial waters 100 years later.
Very well written and deeply felt..
Thanks, Lynne. All we need is a little perspective, or maybe a lot, to see the way everything connects. I think it’s a story worth telling, only because we need to be reminded sometimes, that we arrived here today by the choices, attitudes and understanding of those who came before us. Thanks for your kind and thoughtful comment.
In all it’s sadness it is a beautiful post because the common thread is “Love”.. Thank you for sharing this part of your family with us all!!
I’m glad you got that. Some people might not see it. I think there are a few layers here to get through. If you arrive at the Love thread, then you’re seeing the big picture. : )
I smell Freshly Pressed coming your way..!
No, but seriously. This story has always fascinated me. It’s so tragic. I feel strange knowing that we have the same bloodline. It’s crazy how the minute that Lilly took her eyes off of Mattie changed people’s lives all the way down the line.
I know, right! It obviously freaks me out because it was so accidental and yet it’s impact has been long lasting. It’s satisfying to put those pieces of the puzzle together.
Thanks for the comp! It was hard to write, only because I wanted to do it justice.
Wow, this is amazing. The story is so sad and haunting. May I ask — how did you come to find out about this history? Was it told to you while growing up or did you unearth it during research? And I agree with everyone here — award winning novel material indeed ….and would make a great movie too!
Thank you!! I heard bits and pieces of it my whole life but never really put it all together, as far as how it could have impacted my life, until recently. As a child I don’t think I was able to process it accurately. You can only fit it into things that you understand or have a reference for. It would take many years for me to figure it all out and see the relevance.
I’d love to see it as a film only because I think there are lots of good psychological layers to sift through. Thanks for your great comment!
Lisa, powerful and well told. It truly defines, “A Gripping Life.” HF xoxoxo
Thank you, HF. That means a lot to me, coming from you. xoxoxo
An astonishing tale.
I agree with the others; I was dumbfounded by the events but then had to think that this is the stuff of storytelling.
And yet you tell us that your life is far from gripping.
Thank you, CaL. It wasn’t until recently that I realized that a tragic event, as random as Matthew’s trolley accident, over a 100 years ago, could still be psychologically impacting my current life. When you put all the pieces together it is quite astonishing.
Mattie died in 1947. By the time I entered the picture (1962) Lilly had already learned how to manage her emotions and cope with the aftermath. She was a woman with a tragic past and heavy heart and yet as a kid I just thought she was lots of fun. I had no understanding or frame of reference for it. So maybe Lilly had the gripping life?
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This is big stuff, Grippy. It’s amazing how dysfunctional legacies are handed down through the generations. I’m glad you had such a great relationship with Lilly, but I’m sorry about how that one event echoed so far down the line. I guess all families have at least one big event that colored everything and everyone that came afterwards.
Thanks, Weebs. Yeah, I don’t know if most people realize how events from the past shape the people we are today. It seems so cruel and tragic that a random incident from a 100 years ago, would still be rippling through my family’s life. I understand that we all have a tendency to want to brush unpleasant and painful memories under the rug, but unless we sift through them and make real sense of them, they’ll be passed down and carried around like heavy baggage through the generations.
I think we live in a healthier time, thank heaven, where we recognize the need to therapeutically process these sorts of events.
I only knew Lilly from a child’s perspective. I didn’t put all of this together until recently. Thanks for your thoughtful comment. xoxox
What an amazing story… Thank you for sharing
Thanks for taking the time to read it. I appreciate your comment.
I’m amazed you know this much about your family. I’m not even sure what dad’s parents did since they were both gone before 1965.
Hopefully you can take something positive away from this. Realizing one thing leads to another and will effect families for generations is important. It’s a shame it’s a negative thing to run through your family, but being aware may help start some cleansing.
That’s a great comment, Tim. I think it’s important to understand multi-generational wounds, because if you don’t, you just carry them around forever and all the crap /dysfunction that comes with them. Most people don’t realize how important it is to go back and sift through the life events of their ancestors. There are patterns that emerge that can actually help you make sense of your life today in 2012.
If you ever get a chance to try out ancestry.com, I highly recommend it. All you need is your grandparents names usually, but if you have birth and or death dates that’s even better. All of a sudden clues start popping up and the next thing you know you’re in the 1800’s, and then the 1700’s, etc. It’s way cool and makes you feel very grounded. Our DNA is an important part of who we are. It’s worthwhile to see what they were up to. Sorry for the novella! haha!
Very true about the ripples.
My parents are still together for a few more weeks. An while they’ve adapted to each other, some of the controllingness of their antecedents carried into their lives.
There is some behavior I learned from them that when I catch myself doing it, I try to stop and do something else.
You seem to have broken the pattern – I have never read anything bad from you about Lily’s husband.
(Is she named after Lilly?)
That’s kind, Guapo. I think I did break the pattern. Lily picked a wonderful man to be her husband. I think I raised my kids with a lot of psychobabble streaming in one ear and out the other — and I think some of it actually stuck! haha!
My husband actually thought of the name Lily. When he suggested it I thought, hey, that’s cool. I always loved my Aunt Lilly.
Obviously I was a kid and had no real understanding of the back story – I knew her years after these events, when she was slightly worn down from life. She was a good person who didn’t have the luxury of processing and putting her brother’s accidental death in perspective. Nowadays, if that happened to a ten year old they’d be in therapy pronto. Back in 1908 in the Bronx, big Irish Catholic families were lucky just to be getting by. No one would ever think to discuss any of this. It just got swept under the rug and if anything you were probably told never to talk about it.
Isn’t it amazing when we catch ourselves doing the crappy things that our parents do? It’s almost cellular, right? We need, first, the awareness to do something about it. Good for you for even seeing it. I can totally relate.
absolutely riveting. What a great story. I’ll bet there are some wonderful insights into you and your family as well – another post? A book?
Oh, you’re very astute. This is probably just the tip of the iceberg! ha! Thanks for your kind comment. I’d love to make it into a screenplay because I think there are a lot of great layers that would leave the audience thinking about it. Those are my favorite kind of films – heavy on the psychology!
I am looking forward to seeing what you do with it!
I like the bullets — it was a great way to illustrate the ‘ripples’, leading neatly to the present. This made me wonder about the ways that our lives have been affected by our ancestors. Thanks for sharing this. I appreciated reading it.
That means a lot to me, coming from a writer of your caliber, Sandee. You’re the only one that mentioned the bullet points! Yay! I’m glad you liked that. : )
You would love ancestry.com. I know you would. I feel more at home with my dead ancestors than I do with those living! haha!
That’s funny! I think I’ll check that link out. I suppose it’s common to become more intrigued by these connections when you get older.
Oh yes it is. I feel almost like they call to me and want me to find them. Sometimes a picture pops up and it’s so scary cause you’re like, Whoa! There you are! Just do it. You won’t regret it. They’re waiting for you, I swear.
Lisa, this is an amazing and touching story. Write it! Write more! Brilliant!
Thanks, Miss Maggie! I tried to do it justice. It’s a good one because of it’s many psychological layers. Hopefully it will make people think about it after they’ve read it. (A real departure for me – I mean, an actual quality story and not my usual crap.)
what a great illustration of, well, I don’t know what to add, Moving, poignant, gripping. terrible, historical, and a zillion other words. Amazing story.
Thanks, John. Yeah, there’s a lot there. It’s got some psychological layers, to be sure. I wanted to make it brief and yet still do the story justice. That’s how I came up with the bullet points and then I just realized, as a format it sort of worked. Glad you liked it.
It was great. I should steal that and do Lori’s mother’s life in bullet point. A remarkable story as well. maybe some day.
I’d love to read it. Write it, John!!
I’ve come back. I figured that just ‘liking’ this post just wasn’t enough. I don’t know what to say, I just wanted to let you know I was here. I think this story shows the importance of knowing our ancestors. We can learn so much from them, good and bad. Thanks you for sharing this.
Thanks for coming back, Jon. There’s more psychological implications here than can be garnered with a cursory glance, that’s for sure. It’s deep.
I think knowing who our ancestors were is incredibly important. Their choices relate directly to the life we live today.
OMG, I was totally gripped by this story. How crazy are we that we are governed by our beliefs and not by the truth that we encounter? Thanks so much for sharing this part of your own history.
Also, I totally agree with your comments on my article. I don’t socialize with toxic family members either. I’m not burdened with beliefs that tie me to horrible people. Thanks for your wisdom. Lots of love, Yaz
I think if a ten year old had witnessed the death of her baby brother today, she would have been whisked into therapy and processed the event until she was able to see it in it’s proper perspective. It’s amazing and sad that we carry around these false messages our whole lives.
My whole family is toxic and you can’t believe how many people try to suggest that I have relationships with them because they are “family.” I’m actually a therapist, if you can believe it, so I think I’m smart enough to recognize “unhealthy” when I see it. haha!
Thanks for your validation and thoughtful comment.
Lisa
Lisa, I don’t have the capacity within me to shed any new light or meaning to the circumstances you so powerfully relate, but it does make Susie and I love you even more. When we truly open up and be vulnerable is when we are our strongest. We thank you for being authentic. May we all follow your lead.
Be encouraged…in every way!
Stephen, you’re so very kind. I think you see all the psychological and deeply disturbing implications here even though I touched on them lightly. Unless we’re authentic and vulnerable we really can’t connect with one another. This is just a little glimpse into a tragic family history but hopefully there is a message of love and hope in there somewhere. I think if we can look at our histories with the right and proper perspective we can learn a great deal about who we are and understand those things that may have wounded us.
You are a bright light in this community of bloggers, Stephen. I’m so thankful for our friendship. (Susie, too!)
Have a peaceful day, friend.
Lisa
Lisa, I (we) truly value your friendship. It has been wonderful to laugh and cry with you…isn’t that what fully functional families do?
We love you and hope someday to sit down at a meal with you and yours and talk about life while drinking our favorite alcoholic beverages…hahaha.
Be encouraged!
Sounds good to me!! xoxox
It’s amazing how one traumatic event shaped and influenced so many people in your family. You have to wonder how many times this scenario has played out around the world, where one person’s trauma is inherited through each successive generation.
It’s also frightening to think how easily one traumatic event can drastically change your outlook on life and how you approach your relationships. Powerful story, my friend.
Thanks, Eric. It gives you something to think about, doesn’t it? Times have changed and people process things in a much healthier way but still, you know there are multi generational wounds that just keep getting passed down. It’s worth knowing your family history for just this reason. Thanks for the thoughtful comment, Eric.
That’s heavy. From one side, I understand Lilly more or less, but from the other side you can see that it would bring no good. What she did was actually wrong. I feel deeply sorry for all people in this story- they were all victims of the circumstances and at the same time they all somehow did something wrong. Lilly smothered her son, he didn’t stop the abortion (maybe he couldn’t have – don’t know), she shouldn’t have shot him.
But still I feel sorry. For you too, because it’s a heavy burden, even though it’s been such a long time ago since this trauma was caused.
Yes, it’s one tragedy after another. If the accident with the baby had never occurred then I don’t think Lilly would have smothered and controlled her son. She psychologically wanted to keep him close by and safe. He, in turn, felt responsible and obligated to his mother. Virginia was an innocent victim who in her love for somebody got pushed to the brink. You can understand what motivated each behavior, but in the end you realize that all of it was built on the foundation of a random accident and a faulty interpretation of that event.
I read this incredibly heartbreaking (and gripping) post twice. It really got to me. The title was so ironically appropriate, and you are a master at how you weaved this intricate story. So much in one post. Makes me think of a skeleton or two in my family’s closet…
Thanks, Jean. I’m glad you liked it and that it made you think. Yeah, it makes you realize how fragile we are and how the wounds of the past are still influencing us today. Thanks for your very kind and thoughtful comment. You’re one of the only people that commented on the title. : )
Wow! The subject is riveting and the way you presented it is superb! How lucky you are to have the complete back story. You can figure it all out and put the pieces together. It must be comforting to know the source of your father’s problems. My parents had big problems, but whatever they were or whatever cause them was hushed up! How fascinating that everything can be traced to that one incident. This would make a wonderful novel, Lisa. (My daughter is due to have a baby Jan. 19th and they are naming her Lily!)
Oh Linda! What happy news! That’s exciting. Well, Lily and I were just saying yesterday what a great name she has. She LOVES her name. It’s old fashion, feminine and you don’t hear it too often. She was the only one in her high school with that name so it was easy for people to remember her. Tell your daughter that she’s picked a good one!
This story has been rolling around in my head for awhile. I wanted to make it brief and to the point so I tried it with the bullet points and then decided to just leave it that way. I think it worked out okay.
It actually gave me some degree of relief to arrive at this understanding. It makes sense and allows me to be more compassionate. If the trolley accident would have happened today, I’m sure Lilly would have had therapy and been able to process the event – eventually getting free from it. But like you said, in those days everyone just brushed everything under the rug. No one talked about their feelings. Everyone was caught in a shame spiral! haha! I think that our generation is hopefully the last to have gotten the residual of that shame mentality. I think we’ve raised our kids to be much healthier and more open. We have more awareness and a better grasp of how these things play out.
I always tell my clients it’s not what happens to you in life that defines you, but how you handle those life events. And they sometimes believe me! haha!
Lily is such a beautiful name. And how wonderful that Lily loves her name. We are already calling Nikki’s baby bump Lily and it’s the most natural thing in the world!
I think the bullet points really made this story powerful. And I think it was the perfect choice!
And you are so right about everybody being much more healthy today in terms of openness and honesty. People did suffer so much shame even just one generation back. Practically everything was shameful so naturally most everything was kept a secret. Nobody knew what was going on with anyone! It was all so confusing. Of course, looking back on it now, I think I just assumed that my uninterested parents were rejecting me as a person. When really their behavior had nothing to do with me. I”m glad that I gradually came to that realization. That’s one of the really cool things about getting older. You just don’t suffer as much. It’s much easier to understand what is really going on.
I bet you are a wonderful therapist, Lisa, and that you help so many people. You have such a talent! 😀 And you’re right. It’s never the event it’s always your personal reaction and conclusion of said event. (Hey why am I all of a sudden sounding like Mr. Spock?) Ha!
haha! Thanks Linda!!!
This was excellent, just excellent. Every now & then in wordpress you stumble on something distinctly different. No. 1 – I love your header, no. 2 – superb writing.
Thank you so much! That’s very kind of you. I’m glad you stumbled onto it!
Lisa
Quite amazing. A lot of people have little idea of family history, even as recently back as ttheir grandparents. I wonder how many would find that there were defining moments like that one, which would explain a lot of subsequent history if they knew about them?
I believe they would. As a therapist I’m a big believer in creating a ‘genogram’ for my clients so that they can trace their family patterns and gain some insight. It’s actually comforting to find reasons that explain current behavior and choices.
I’m surprised how many people lack interest in finding out about their ancestors.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment.