My husband, Neil, was supposed to arrive home yesterday morning on the red-eye. His plane usually gets in around 6:00 am and he’s home by 7:00 am. That hour had come and gone so I called his cell phone to see if there had been a delay. He answered and said he wasn’t coming home, he was still in California. Then he added, “I think we need to go our separate ways.” Mind you, he’s done stuff like this before and my stomach usually turns somersaults. But this time was different because he added the bit about, “separate ways.” After that I just heard bits and pieces — something about wanting to live an honest life. I remember feeling like I was gonna be sick, my breathing became heavy, and I started feeling dizzy. Oh God, I thought, is it possible I’m bleeding?
Maybe my mentioning “The Perfect Storm” the other day was fortuitous. I had no idea my own perfect storm was brewing. It’s the holiday season and everyone knows there’s nothing like, when somebody you love and have been married to for 27 years, pulls the rug out from under you on Thanksgiving. I have to be out of my house, the one I’ve lived in for 15 years, in 3 weeks. It finally sold after a year and a half. I was planning on moving to LA to live in our two bedroom apartment, but now I have no place to go. I’ll be homeless with my son for Christmas. While I’ve spent the past month frantically packing and doing the heavy lifting, that’s figuratively and literally, Neil’s been in L.A. doing God knows what – zippity-doo-dah and apparently he has a partner. Good times.
I do remember him saying, we’ll all be happy. Really? Is that what you say to people after a Tsunami hits and there’s devastation all around, everyone is afraid and clinging to the wreckage? That’s when you talk about feeling happy? Are those his talking points, is that a script? Such a sensitive soul.
It’s also nice for the kids to be texted multiple times throughout the day to be reminded that they are loved – this from the person who, with very little effort and regard for their feelings, has turned their world upside down. Yes, Neil, it’s important that we all work hard to make you feel better, smooth the way so you can get on with your wrinkle free life. Good plan.
I cried so much yesterday that I gave myself a migraine. I stayed in bed reeling from this casually dropped bomb. It’s a nightmare that won’t go away. I wake up and it’s still there. I’m sure many of you are familiar with this agony. It feels like a death.
I needed to vent this very personal information as I feel like it might help restore an ounce of my lost power. I’m sorry to my readers that this post is a real downer. I don’t think “real downer” covers it, actually.
I need prayers. I need them badly. I’m horribly wounded and I don’t know how to proceed from here. My beautiful friend, Audra, of UnfetteredBS, encouraged me to put this out there. She said this is a very supportive community, which I’ve found it to be, as well. So I’m putting my pain, anger, sadness, feelings of hopelessness and confusion out there. I lack cohesiveness at the present time – please forgive it as it appears in my writing.
A Gripping Life…